The skill of worrying or minding less? How is it achieved? What does it mean?

[quirkywords]

Yes you read the title correctly,

How do we mind less ,

How do we learn not to worry over every thing,

How do we stop getting upset over every comment we feel is not positive.

I would like to discuss ways people have learnt to stop worrying about small things,and

how to not mind about what other people think.

Also how can we stop being reactive and turn that into creative response, not sure how to do this but others may have an idea.

Sometimes we can get angry over lots of things and it is hard to learn how to channel that anger.

I know the more I let things get to me, the worse I feel.

I have always tried hard to do mindfulness but I still struggle.

Maybe if I can stop minding about things that don’t matter I can stop overthinking.

I would like this thread to be a place where we can exchange ideas and share personal experiences about what works for them and what does not.

Feel free to post and let’s get the discussion going.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Guest welcome to this thread. Thanks for sharing what helps you to cope with overthinking.

I find setting goals puts pressure on me but am pleased it helps you. 

[white knight]

The skill of worrying less?

At 12yo I started high school and it wasnt long before the most empathetic teacher nick named me "the worrier", such was my frown and words. My mother the same. It was only at 31yo when my anxiety hit an all time high that it was addressed. So 20 years of not realising my worrying was indeed a problem.

Now at 68yo I have all but eliminated my worrying but of course occasionally I worry a bit too much and revert back to a reasonable amount. So thats the first lesson I learned about anything to do with my mental health- 

• That symptoms like excess worry is deeply ingrained into us so they cannot be completely eliminated. This results in a attitude of "how can I lower my symptoms to a reasonable level to enable life to be lived more contently?

Worry, I believe is a product of anxiety. I dont read up a lot on these topics, I've simply applied common sense and trial and error. So when at 31yo my anxiety peaked with panic attack and manic behaviour/reaction I knew it was time to listen to the experts. The results over time were-

• Remove people from my life that caused undue stress and worry. Fear of a relative ringing you up all the time is one example. In my case my mother was a controller, was jealous of my partners, had high expectations and manipulated us. Imagine a phone call from a relative, alarmed that I had said something I hadnt said originated from my mother. This was constant.
• Finances- I used to be a poor money manager. Being manic I was an impulsive spender to get that "hit" of adrenalin. Since about 45yo I've become the opposite resulting in a secure situation, less worry.
• Partner- I've had 4 long term partners and only the last one has brought me a relaxing existence. That might not be fault of the other 3 as I've had mental challenges, but for me, I needed a calm team player that respected my tender situation. As my mother was a controller I needed a partner that wasnt!
• Family- All family know that my levels of tolerance of stress is low. They limit their notifications of their problems upon me. They know that if they are 4 hours drive away and ring me about how a robber stole items from their shed, that they should contact the police in the first instance not me. I'm open to calm discussion on how it turned out but not rely on me to advise them what to do if its obvious.

If a worrier does not mould their life to do the above I'm afraid that their progress will be sacrificed. It all depends on how desperate you want results so you lower your worry to a liveable level. 

Then you can attend a comedy and laugh at the jokes without worrying that the ceiling will collapse...

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Tony, I am always inspired by your courage to overcome challenges and the way you have worked out what works for you and what doesn't. For those of us who are sensitive beings, it really can take time to figure out how to manage our sensitivity in the world. But I think there is an upside too, that by feeling more we also have the capacity to feel good things more, such as the beauty of a sunrise and sunset, or the kindness of others. There is a capacity to really connect with life, perhaps the flip-side to being someone vulnerable to worrying.

Looking back I was an intense worrier from my earliest memory, but having nothing else to compare it with I didn't realise not everyone experiences worry to such a degree. I was basically scared all the time, so worrying on steroids! I think this is typical of people with early life complex trauma where you feel like you could be annihilated at any moment. What is now finally dialling down my level of worry is being able to comfort and reassure myself. As a child I didn't receive comfort so I didn't know it as an experience and could never do it for myself.

These days, the worry still happens but I usually notice it before it gets out of control. I then also now have an inner carer that comforts the inner child in me when that part of me begins to freak out. I'm developing the capacity to calm and reassure myself and it is really amazing how helpful this is. I've been good in the past at calming frightened animals, children and even other adults, because I was primed to be a carer for others from early childhood. But I couldn't do that for myself because I was kind of invisible to myself. Now I am learning to direct that same care to myself and it does make life easier.

I find this capacity for self-reassurance also reduces overthinking. It helps me get unstuck. The energy that would have gone into worrying causing a kind of paralysis, now can be redeployed to give more energy to the things I enjoy and making a better life. The same sensitivity that can be part of being a worrier, I can now use more towards being creative and seeing possibilities more clearly for ways of managing life in more fulfilling ways going forward. I am finding that worrying less means I am starting to make better life decisions, like I am more in tune with what is intuitively the right path to follow. Still a work in progress, but I can feel I am improving in worrying less and gradually embracing life more.

Thank you for everyone sharing your thoughts and experiences here and for a helpful thread Quirky.

Hugs,

ER

[quirkywords]

Thanks eagle ray and Tony for your detailed responses. I suppose I see myself as someone who prepares for the worst while I hope for the best. So nit sure if that is a worrier I see myself as a realist.

Tony am my on my 3rd relationship but have not had a calm partner. 

[white knight]

I would say you are a worrier. The balance isn't ideal. See, it's better to be able to prepare for yhe worst naturally without planning or thinking too much. This "better balance" removes the thinking part of the planning which frees up more happier persona.

As for partners, my wife and I both believe that by allowing each other to have only basic expectations of each other makes our marriage almost stress free. We were married to siblings that both had controlling narcissistic traits so freedom was very important to us both. Our ex's also had low tolerance levels, didn't like anyone that disagreed with them and yet participated little towards household chores. (Lazy). However,  they would criticise you if a dish wasn't fully clean if dinner wasn't to their liking. 

So there is two ways of tackling that. Confrontation or submissiveness.  Submissiveness leads to suppressing your feelings leading to depression and a feeling of entrapment. Confrontation has a more likeliness of success as the partner knows there is a red line not to cross. Without that recline they have no limit to their actions

TonyWK 

[Guest_50272903]

• Read or podcast Covey 7 Habits
• Daily mantras " I will not get upset by comments ppl give me that I would never go to for advice!" Powerful one and the 5/5/5 rules.
• In 5 minutes will this matter, 5 hours? 5 days? I use this with my students a lot too! 
• Good luck - it's a process and is also dynamic!!! 
•  

[ABC01]

Hi Quirky,

I have been a worrier since I was 12 years old that led to anxiety. It was environmental and out of my control, so I have grown up with an over-analysing personality trait. One that looks for danger. I will cut down every shred and detail to find out every possible outcome and then choose the safest one in my control. As you can imagine,that has lead to problems and it is interfering into my everyday life. And has for at least two decades.

Here is my conundrum. I was told by people I trust, that my actions for a specific action would be perfectly fine and that I was over thinking and worrying about the situation. Things like that(my worst case scenario)would never happen or had a blah blah percent of ever happening. So why worry about nothing? But unfortunately, it did happen.(My biggest fear) And what has happened's, after effects, has had a profound affect on me mentally, physically and emotionally. So now if anyone tells me how is anyone going to know/find out or there is a blah blah percent chance of so&so happening in any scenario, but I will be okay, I don't believe them anymore. The cost was too high.

Do you think there is a way I can believe again. Nothing is 100% fool-proof. And if nothing is 100% in my control, how do or will I ever be able to make decisions again and not be stuck at a fork in a road? 

Thank-you for listening and replying.

Grateful, ABC01

[quirkywords]

ABC01

I can relate to your post. I am a worst scenario person. 
I went through a natural disaster about five years ago and people said a week later after  that I must be ok. Even now the trauma and loss has affected me . 
I don’t know how you trust again. I panic when I smell smoke or see a candle indoors. 
You may need to follow your instincts and have boundaries to protect yourself.

[white knight]

Hi Quirky

Re: "I find negative feedback that is not true from loved ones the hardest to cope with."  I get very annoyed with family or friends that offer remedies in a critical tone. 

One problem we sometimes have is our display we emit of a vulnerable person that is asking for guidance and others that interpret that think automatically that they can lecture you. The question you can offer is- "are you trying to help me or lecture me".  I now no longer discuss my health issues woth anyone other than my wife and daughter for that reason. 

Just like a person with no mental health problems can't run sometimes those with mental illness can't think clearly or logically. So if someone is lecturing you ask them "can you run 20km?" If they say "no", then "well I can't think clearly, both expectations are the same- both aren't our fault".

Most people don't get it so I treat them as non expert. 

TonyWK 

[quirkywords]

Thanks for your suggestions. I suppose I usually smile because if I said are you trying to help me or lecture me, the answer would don’t be so defensive or passive aggressive. 
Like you I discuss my health with a few people I trust.