Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Dear ER & Croix,

While you are both taking a break I promise Paws will get up to no shenanigans. 🤗

Well after a few days of not getting up around dawn today I was at least close this morning & I have managed to do a few things...  I have finally started doing the shredding after weeks of just having the shredder sitting in my lounge.  I am honestly surprised it is still working as it must be around 40 years old & I haven't used it since I moved here which is around 10 years ago.   

I've made my shopping list for when I go into big town & put it in my handbag so I don't forget it.  

I rang to make an appointment with my GP as I need new scripts & had a couple of things I wanted to talk to her about.  Just as I have started to feel comfortable enough to talk to her about things I find out today she has left the practice. I will have to see a male GP as they now have no female ones.  I'm stressed by having to see a male & won't be talking to him about things.  I just can't.  None of the GPs have stayed much longer than 18 months. I know harking back to how it used to be isn't helpful, but what happened to GPs staying in one practice for decades & providing continuity of care.  It takes time to build trust.  

It was a lovely foggy morning & it didn't fully lift until lunchtime.  

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and anyone else reading,

I’ve been awake for hours so reading your post at around 5am here. If you do feel up to any shenanigans, MK has been over at Croix’s thread and might be up for some iceberg antics - hee hee!

It would be so disappointing having the doctor you like leave as it sounded like you had built good rapport with her. You may find the male doctor has a nice manner, but I totally understand you not wanting to open up to him about certain things. Another option could be to look for other practices in big town. Are there a few different ones? I recently, after a long search, found a trauma-informed doctor in another town who I think finally might be a good fit for a GP. I just could no longer attend the practice in my town where I have not felt comfortable with the doctors, especially with the complex issues I’m dealing with. If you did find a doctor elsewhere you can get your health records transferred across if you wanted to. You could look at the websites of other practices in big town to see if there are any and read the profiles of the doctors. I have found it’s really worth it finding the right practitioner as feeling safe and not stressed when going to the doctor is so important. The one I’ve just started seeing is a quiet, gentle person like me and non-judgemental so I can feel myself relax a lot more and I feel safer.

It’s great if you feel you are making progress on things such as beginning the shredding. It’s just one step at a time isn’t it. I hope you have a nice trip to big town.

I’m in what feels like a potentially dire situation at present so I’m not sure how much I’ll be here on the forums, but saw your post and I know how hard it is to find a GP to feel safe with, so just wanted to try to give you some support and encouragement that it can still be possible to find the right doctor for you. Right now I’m in a scary situation as due to the failure of the strata management to be legally compliant and failures of non-disclosure by them, my home may have to have expensive remediations that I can’t afford. I had to address the non-compliance issues, but in doing so I could also be in an untenable situation that severely impacts me financially. I will call Consumer Protection for further advice this morning. In any case, I know for sure now I can’t continue living here much longer, but my ability to sell may even be affected by the situation. I have been misled by multiple people and it’s now put me in a very frightening position. But I’m doing everything I can to try to stay on top of things and go one step at a time. The value of my home could also be affected, thus limiting my options to find a new home in the current housing market with extremely high prices. In a worst case scenario I may have to go back to renting and with current rental prices that will most likely mean going back to share-housing. I don’t necessarily mind share-housing as I’ve done heaps of it in the past, but at 51 I feel a bit out of it if most people are younger. Though in the current climate I imagine many older people are share-housing now too. But I’m really hoping I may still be able to get another home.

The foggy morning sounds lovely. It certainly sounds like where you are that fogs often do stay around, whereas here they usually lift not long after sunrise. In the inland town I was just staying in, they persisted up to mid-morning and then lifted.

Hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I was wondering how you went with the doctor visit? Did he seem ok/friendly?

I just thought I'd mention that I saw the new GP I'm seeing for the second time the other day and she is so nice and supportive. So I just wanted to share that it really is possible to find a doctor you feel comfortable with, it just takes a bit of time and trial and error sometimes. But what is so good about this doctor I'm seeing now is I can really relax in her presence. She really gets trauma and mental health issues in a sensitive way. So she really took her time with me and checked in that I was feeling better at the end of the appointment than I did at the beginning, which I really did. This is the opposite of how I usually feel with doctors. So hold out for a good GP experience Paws - you deserve it.

Sending hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass you do have everything piling on top of you at the moment.  Problems with your property are the last thing you need.  I do hope the folk at the citizens advice bureau were able to give you some useful suggestions.  Just a thought... do the strata meetings have minutes of meeting?  Having things in writing even if it is an absence of what should have been discussed might be helpful for you.

I haven't coped well with the gp appointment.  He didn't do anything wrong, but it was a very small room & there was very little space between us, whenever he turned away from his pc to face me our knees almost touched.  It really triggered me & I've been jumping at nearly everything since then.  I am trying all the things I've learnt about grounding myself & letting the fear go, it will get better I just need to be gentle with myself & have patience.

I have tried getting into other clinics in the past, but have had no luck as each time they have had their books closed to new patients.  I haven't tried for a couple of years so it's probably worth giving it another go.

I will be keeping everything crossed for you

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Minutes are kept from strata meetings but we haven’t had a meeting since the recent events. However, I have email documentation of all my correspondence on the relevant topics with strata management and other strata council members. That information backs me up and demonstrates I am doing the right thing. I think things will probably be okay now but it just looked really scary there for a while. I had to develop real strength to deal with it, but my drive for honesty and integrity has held me through it.

I do understand how the visit to the GP was triggering. I get how it can affect you for a while afterwards too. I can have a lot of difficulty with people being in close proximity to me and often have a strong recoil reaction. With me it is trauma related as well. With regard to men, I’m slowly learning in a titrated way that there are safe men and being around the safe ones does slowly reduce the level of fear and reactivity. But I know how involuntary and impactful the fear responses are. So know that you are not alone in such reactions.

A while back I read the autobiography of Peter Levine who developed the Somatic Experiencing method that I’ve really connected with. He experienced some trauma throughout his childhood, the most dramatic being a violent sexual assault when he was 12. The book does tell that story though not too graphically just as a content warning in case you read it. But I just mention it because he had huge terror himself about intimacy and people being close to him and he talks about how he worked through that gradually over his life. He’s in his 80s now. He inspires me because I have a huge fear of intimacy and people being close to me, but Peter shows that men can suffer that way too, and somehow I think it helps knowing there are sensitive men out there who are the opposite of harmful, who are nurturing, kind souls who are safe and trustworthy. Peter writes about his dog too. It just made me think of you and Woofa and how he was safe for you.

It could be worth having a look at other clinics. I don’t know how large big town is. The town where my new GP is located is quite large and there are several clinics. It took me a while but I’ve found a good match finally. She has mental health training too, so that might be something to look for. I feel like you need someone gentle and kind who will take the time to get to know you. You deserve that dear Paws.

Sending warm hugs 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so pleased that things might not be as bad as you originally dreaded.  That must be a huge relief.  I will still keep everything crossed for you though, at least until it is all finally sorted.

I've been having nightmares ever since the gp appointment, so my sleep has been awful & I've been finding myself avoiding going to bed.  The day times haven't been much better with me spooking at every noise.  Thankfully today I've found my nerves are finally settling as I had something fly into the window earlier & I didn't jump like a scalded cat.  

At least my sorting & clearing out things is still progressing in small bursts.  Having said that I did end up tipping the two boxes of paperwork already 'sorted to throw out' onto the floor & went through everything again.  It wasn't a complete waste of time as I've now decided if something can be shredded then I will shred it, whether it needs shredding or not. 

I've been shaking my head at some of the things I have held onto.  I opened an old suitcase I had just kept without ever going through it as I though I knew what was in it.  Mum made scrapbooks of the cards they got on their engagement, another for the wedding cards & scrapbooks for each child of the cards they got on their birth & each birthday.  This I knew & thought that was all that was in there.  How wrong can a person be.  It turns out she kept the cards we made as kids for mothers day, fathers day, & invites to kids parties &... etc etc... you get the idea. 🙈🙈   No wonder the case was so heavy.  Well anything loose is being shredded so as few things as possible go into the 'just throw out' box.  Because I am limited as to how much weight can go in the big bin each month it will take months to be rid of everything & if things are shredded then they are gone & won't end up pushed back into a wardrobe when I get annoyed with the piles.  

I am my mothers daughter when it comes to holding onto things that really don't need to be held onto, so 'my head shaking in disbelief' is also happening with things I'm finding that have lived in filing cabinets or storage boxes for years. Most of the things I had forgotten even existed.  I had been rather chuffed with how much I threw out before moving here 🙄🙄  I'm discovering I had barely scratched the surface.  

Huggily hugs

Paws