Singles Support on BB

[smallwolf]

Hi,

This might seem like a odd thread for me to create but... In my time here at beyond blue, I have come upon a number of users who have reported about the loneliness of being single, never having a girl friend, never will find a partner, not being in a relationship etc. Many users put there stories in new threads each day, so existing users might not be able to find these other users and therefore might not be able to lend a hand of support. Some users might feel they are the only ones to experience this problem. So to help (?) users with similar problems I thought a thread where users, male or female, might eb able to support each other, and create connections even if in a virtual space. I hope you will find this space helpful...

Tim

[geoff]

Hello Soloyo, contrary to what you have asked can I ask how would being in a happy relationship change your life, and are you surrounded by good people that could one day be your partner.

Let's take it you were madly in love with someone then you'd go out and make yourself look beautiful, hair, clothes etc. then what's stopping you from doing this now while you're single.

Sometimes we just can't be bothered, that's the anchor weighing us down, stopping us from feeling as though we are still beautiful, embark on yourself, do what would make you feel better.

Do we compare the person or situation we are now in with our ex and do we look at another couple which reminds us of our previous relationship, the good bits and not so good parts, making us feel jealous or perhaps envy, these are holding you back.

Cut that cord holding you back and release yourself.

Geoff.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

What I meant is that a lot of articles titled "I have never had a girlfriend" tend to put all their energy in how to go to pubs and bars just to 'hook' up. That's what I refer to as pick up culture. I am not interested in that at all.

[Azzdog]

I also had an observation yesterday. I overheard at work someone saying they were going to have dinner with their girlfriend later that night.

It just got me thinking, and I do this a lot because of my OCD, that will I ever be able to do that? Will I ever be able to say someone that I will be going out to dinner with my “girlfriend”? Will I ever be able to say that someone IS my girlfriend?

It hurts a lot to know that I am missing out on all of this. It does help to know that coming on here that I’m not the only one. But it’s sometimes small consolation in the knowledge that I don’t have anyone in my personal life that is in the same position as me.

Everyone in my family over the age of 18 is in a long term relationship or married, except for me. That makes birthdays and family gatherings painful.

[quirkywords]

Tim,

this is a great thread which is giving people a chance to be honest about their feelings in a safe place.

One thing I have noticed is that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.

The loneliest I have ever been was in a chaotic relationship with someone who was never there there for me emotionally or physically as he preferred to spend most nights at the pub odrinking with strangers. So I felt I was so worthless and lonely where it appeared to others I was lucky to be in a relationship.

Soloya, I am sorry for your experiences. Maybe the question is how can I be content with who I am. Do you think if we lived in a society that valued people whether they were in a relationship or not would that make you feel better about being single?

Is there anything about being single do you like?

Just a few thoughts.

Quirky

[smallwolf]

Aaron (and others),

A little observation if I am allowed.... In a previous post I posed the question about asking someone for coffee. Your reply was along the lines of only if I never saw that person again. It read as though you had setup yourself up or expected rejection. At least in your question above you presented your thoughts as questions as opposed to statements of fact. Between now and whenever, you will ebb and flow between different levels of feeling just as I do about my own situation. One thing my psych suggested was to have a alternative view stored on my phone somewhere, and I have in my special notebook. And it acts as a reminder for me. But I know that it will take time for that reminder to become the statement of fact (or for me to believe in it).

On pick-ups ... because I what I have read in your main thread, i know that you are not happy with dating apps and the like. And you started to find other ways of doing things, like going to the board games group. (Are you still going?) I have also looked at articles on "dating offline" (google search) and there are some interesting articles to read, and highlighted they we are more disconnected as a result, and losing the art of conversation. There are a few article about Appless April - the idea of going a month without apps. The articles I found were on the ABC web site or huffpost.com.

Based on a idea from one of these sites, here is an idea... And I assume that you have to the grocery store sometimes to buy food etc. We tend to go self checkout section? Next time, Go to a regular checkout and say to the checkout "Hi, how has your day been?" which should invite a response? And if they don't respond then either (a) they did not hear you or (b) they are being a bit anti-social? or (c) I don't know. But also notice that I said they you were not be rejected. If someone does not respond, it is not your fault. And I don't know much about what a checkout person does, but if you are regularly swiping bar codes and food items, a conversation would make a nice break?

Now, even though I am married, I have to go to the shops myself today, but I will also do the above exercise and will report back later what happened. It is not an exercise in picking up someone, but in conversation/connection/engagement. What do you think?

Tim

[Soloyo]

Geoff and Quirky, thanks for your comments, and also your questions.

The challenge at my age is that most people are coupled and most people have children. Being single and childless is a completely different life stage so it is difficult to surround yourself with people in a similar situation... let alone guys that I would potentially date.

For me having a partner would be in part about having someone to share adventures with. I’m not so much into dressing up and going out as I am into travelling and weekend outdoor adventures. There is only so many times that you can travel on your own or go camping on your own... and I think I’ve reached it. It’s hard finding friends who want to do the same because you’re either a third wheel and have to go with the flow, or people are busy with their children.

It’s an interesting question about societal attitudes to singledom. Most people think that I’ve consciously made this decision and have no awareness of me really wanting a partner and wanting children. Conversely I get grief from my family about not having provided grandkids which I find unkind.

A few single people I know talk about how they love being single, and I just can’t comprehend this. I would like this attitude, even just a little bit

I’m currently seeing a psychologist to try and understand why I can’t get this part of my life to work.

[Loolee111]

Hello,

I am 44 and been single for 7 years. most of the time I cope ok but when I am depressed being single really makes me feel worse.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me, I’m unattractive, unloveable etc. I have dated many men over the years but it has never lasted. When I am not feeling well I prefer to be on my own. It’s very hard to maintain a relationship when your depressed.

I have done my fair share of online dating. I always have a lot of men contacting me but I end up feeling worse. I think this is best avoided if you are depressed. At these times you need people around you who genuinely care.

Louise

[smallwolf]

@Soloyo - if I have not said it yet... welcome to this thread. When someone else has a problem has a issue I can offer them suggestions. BUT when it comes to myself I cannot. You mentioned camping and so on, so I wondered if you ever thought of advertising (Facebook?) that you want a "friend" to go with? I have seen posts from some friend for movies or concerts. There are also camping groups on FB and I am sure you could some through a google search as well?

@Loolee111 - welcome to this thread and sharing a little about yourself. I am quite familiar with wanting to be alone when the black dog bites. Any my psychologist said I should do the opposite when that happens, as the thing you do becomes a distraction (of a sort) from the negative thoughts. Do you have friends who know about your feeling depressed? The things you mentioned about being wrong with you sound untrue, but it would be the depression telling you that - that you have dated many men, and they contact you based on your profile (?) would indicate they find something in you they like(d). Listening to you.

@Everyone - Do we or how often do we show our vulnerabilities? You don't have to answer, but just reflect on this. I know that I don't as much as I could or should, because I am aware the thoughts I have are dumb/illogical/crazy but they are the thoughts or feelings in that moment.

[geoff]

Hi Tim, that's a good question you ask.

We are all different in how we react to these type of situations, but could it be that most of us feel shame, embarrassment, and fear of rejection and that's why we crawl back into the dark hole.

If someone had told you about their weakness, do we judge them or do we become closer to them.

Once I ask someone how they are feeling and as soon as they say 'I'm fine' indicates to me that there is a problem, so you ask less invasive topics to talk about to try and get their confidence and then they finally open up.

It's so disappointing if someone asks another person how they are feeling and believe they have their full attention and trust, and the only reply they give back to them is 'oh that's no good', the discussion ends, that's the conversation which is harmful.

Whereas if they return a reply wanting to know how they can help you because they can see you are struggling, that's exactly what you want.

If you want to show your vulnerabilities then instead of telling a person everything all at once, just start off with one concern and see if this will draw their attention, and please I'm not referring to your doctor or psych or perhaps you may want to talk about this.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Azzdog]

I am often told I give off an "aura of death" (actual quote from a mental health practitioner. If you read my main thread, you will probably know that I have been developing a distrust of MHP).

While there may be truth to that, and I am working on it, I am not sure if I will ever truly get over it. I have dealt with so much rejection in my life (I am yet to get past the first date and yet to ever be in a relationship). I don't know how I am meant to shake it all.