Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

[Summer Rose]

As the old saying goes, Christmas comes but once a year, and judging by my trip to the mall today it has well and truly arrived. Crowds of shoppers, bustling about, looking for the perfect gift. Not all of us here on the forum celebrate Christmas but I doubt than any of us can ignore it.

The advertisers tell us this is the best time of the year. A chance to enjoy the good things in life, spend time with the family and generally eat, drink and be merry. But this simply isn't the case for everyone. The holiday and its associated activities (e.g. shopping, cooking, travelling, etc) triggers stress, sadness and depression for a lot of people. I'm one of them.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, kids and Australian family and friends and I will no doubt enjoy the holidays. But for me, Christmas is always tinged with a hefty dose of sadness, which I carry inside and try to hide. This is because my mum, my sister and her family and all of my extended family live overseas. I've lived in Australia for some 30 years and you'd think I'd be used to this by now but I'm not.

So, I'm wondering how Christmas affects you? Are you looking forward to the holiday, feeling stressed or feeling left out because it's not something you participate in? What are your strategies for protecting your mental health this festive season?

[asdff]

Christmas is good for me. My mother gets overwhelmed with all the preperations. My Mother in Law gets stressed with the cooking. I don't like seeing a large crowd. This year it is less crowds. Yah! I driving to two places. If I was working my kids would be getting more but we are a one income family, so cut back a bit.

[Summer Rose]

Hi asdff

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can certainly relate to all of them!

I think for women Christmas can be particularly overwhelming, as the cooking and preparations in large part fall on our shoulders (I know this isn't always the case and I'd love to hear about stories where it's the reverse) and in many cases we're already tired from work and looking after children. One of the ways I manage this when I'm hosting Christmas lunch--usually for about 25 people--is to plan the menu in advance and ask each family member to bring a dish. As my children have grown, I've also engaged them as "elves" to help with the wrapping.

I dread the crowds at the large shopping centres. I find it noisy and overwhelming, so I cope by getting as much done early in November as possible and by arriving at the shops early. I'm also happy to make multiple trips to the shopping centres to reduce my crowd exposure times.

I'm sorry to hear that money is tight this year but I believe it possible to make a magical Christmas for your children without all the expensive toys and gifts. Kids just really want to spend time with mum and dad. I used to bake with my children in the lead up to Christmas and then we would use the cakes and cookies as gifts. You can also give "service gifts" to each other --coupons for an extra bedtime story, a foot massage, a trip to the beach or a family day at a favourite park. This way the children get something really special, your focused time and attention.

Another idea is to save money on the tree decorations by making your own instead. You will create happy memories and life time keepsakes by stringing the popcorn, painting decorations out of cardboard and using cotton wool for snow to decorate your tree. You can also buy some butcher's paper and let the kids paint and colour it, creating your own gift wrap. Again you get to spend time together whilst helping the family budget.

I really hope it is merry and bright this year for you and your family

[16sundayz]

I really dislike Christmas because for me I feel like I have to be all fake happy and smiley when inside I'm an anxious, depressed mess and it's also a time when my psychologist is away for 6 weeks, so I know exactly how you feel.

[Summer Rose]

Hi 16sundayz

Your post really touched my heart. In just one sentence you powerfully explained why Christmas can be such a difficult time for people with mental health conditions.

I think the lack of professional support over the holiday period is a critical issue for many people. I'd like to encourage you to ask your psychologist where you can turn for support in his/her absence over the holidays and make a solid plan of what you're going to do in a difficult period or crisis. It could also help to make use of various help lines and this forum to help get you through it.

I think it goes without saying that this is a time to practice a lot of self-care. Get plenty of exercise, practise mindfulness and eat well. Avoid alcohol. And do whatever you can to distract yourself from the holiday, read, see movies and spend time in nature. The beach is a great place for escape.

The pressure to be happy is intense over the holidays, so I understand why you feel you have to fake it. I think we all need to give ourselves permission to say "no" (and not just at Christmas). I think it's okay to scale down your Christmas activities by being honest with family and friends and just saying, "I'm not up to it this year" or "I'm not well".

But I wonder what you and others think. Is it better or worse for our mental health to be honest with family and friends about the sharpened impact of mental health conditions at Christmas or even go one step further and opt out of Christmas events and spend time alone?

[asdff]

Absolutely I hate the fakeness. Yes, we are all okay. Inside I am screaming. My psychologist schedules at appointment for me before the school holidays. Then I usually have to wait till after that as I have school aged children. However, I had to take them once this year. I might try and do that over the school holidays. There is a room for them to sit and play in.

[Summer Rose]

Hi asdff

I read a newspaper article the other day that says Christmas is now considered one of the six most stressful life events (right up there with divorce, moving house and changing jobs). I think we know why and the "fakeness" is a big part of it.

Just yesterday my son was expressing great reluctance to attend our big family gathering at his Aunt's house for this very reason. I gave him permission to opt out and spend the afternoon with his girlfriend (her family is overseas). Not sure yet what they will do and dreading the drama to come when his grandmother finds out!! How has one of our most cherished events been turned so pear shaped?

I'm really pleased to hear you can take your children along to an appointment over the school holidays. I've never heard of that but it makes good sense. Otherwise it would be a very long time without proper care and support. I'm really sorry, though, to hear that you are screaming on the inside. I fear that this state is very common at this time of year. Please know that you are not alone and you are welcome to talk about it on this thread or to start your own.

Kind thoughts to you

[Quercus]

Hi Summer Rose (and a wave to asdff and 16sundayz).

Such a valuable discussion. It will be great to have a space like this over the Christmas season. Thank you.

Like many I feel this time of year tears me in two. I am unable to satisfy anyone. If I'm not careful thoughts of failure, inadequacy and worthlessness grow stronger and I go further downhill .

The pull in one direction of my own little family (and my desire to stay home seeing as hubby is working anyway) and the expectation to travel for the extended family gathering. Anything I do lets someone down.

Then there is finances. Christmas is a bad time for us. I've had to learn to accept we don't have money for gifts and often people say the right things but their disappointment is clear. One year we donated to the Salvos who gave us cards to explain what the money goes towards. I felt good about this... Until the underwhelming response from loved ones.

It has taken time for me to learn it isn't my responsibility to try please everyone. Effort goes both ways.

Above all my focus is on my kids. Teaching them there is more to Christmas then gifts and junk food.

Nat

[kanga_brumby]

Well Summer Rose after the events of the past few years I can now say I am a 'bar humbug ' person I did the Santa stuff avoided the ones who I would fight with in the name of nice ness. Only to be some time later to be slapped down by those who I did not fight with

Kanga

[Summer Rose]

Hi Quercus

Thanks for your kind support for this thread and welcome aboard.

I understand completely how you feel that you are "unable to satisfy anyone". I think it's often a case of a lot of competing, legitimate needs clashing at once, so no matter what we do we feel like we just can't win. And the pressure to have a "wonderful", "merry" Christmas just makes it worse, exacerbating our feelings of failure when we can't make everyone happy. I've learned to do the best I can and let the rest go. Your reminder that "effort goes both ways" is really helpful. Thank you.

I think your focus on teaching your children the meaning of Christmas is spot on. In our house I try to focus our family (husband and two kids) on spending time with the people we really care about. Curiously this isn't always family, but rather good friends.

Our Christmas Eve is spent with our best friends and their children. A no stress BBQ in the backyard. And we always catch up with other good friends on the weekends in the lead up to the big day. We don't exchange gifts, just share food, drink and laughter. I think I do this because my family is in Canada, so our friends have become "my" adopted family if that makes sense.

Sorry to hear about the underwhelming response you got to your Salvo gift idea. I thought that was brilliant! Do you think you get agreement to a no gift rule? Or maybe set an agreed reasonable limit for gift giving?

Kind thoughts to you