Hey look, a birdie! (How to function with ADHD.)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

As someone only recently diagnosed with ADHD, I'm still getting my head around what aspects of this crazy critter are thanks to that, and what I can do about it. It was always apparent to me that I was incredibly forgetful compared to others around me, and I've driven many a manager nuts with my tendency to bounce between tasks constantly (mostly they just ran with it because I'm actually pretty competent if left to my own processes and - very importantly - deadlines to work to), so I have a few strategies for working around it after 40-odd years. That said, I'd love to hear from others with ADHD about how you've managed the condition and how you wade through the daily drudgery. Of course I'm equally happy to share any tricks I've worked out for myself.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Ah, the projects and ideas. I am full of those. It's all great until you hit a boring bit, then focus is off with the fairies. Or you have an even better idea! Yeah, someone to take care of the details would be brilliant.

I'm glad your job has variety. Mental stagnation is ugly, it's mind-numbing to be caught in a never-changing cycle. I've jumped about between departments at work a lot (hardly surprising with ADHD) - I learn a thing, I pretty much master it, it becomes commonplace, I get bored, I start to resent it and get angry and unhappy... Next! Make the best of that variety in your job, it is good.

The "Attention Defecit" part of ADHD is a bit of a misnomer. It isn't so much a lack of attention as it is dysregulated attention. Sure we get distracted easily from boring things. But when we're interested - we can focus on that thing and tune out everything else for hours or days or weeks, at times even to the point of forgetting to eat or sleep or go to the loo.

You said "Holding things together on the home front, while working, is HARD! If I goof off, it feels like things fall apart a bit. I have found that routine is my friend, but at the same time I rebel against the routine!" There are many reasons, including ADHD for someone to feel that way, but these things all ring true for me, and in my case they are definitely ADHD related. I'm glad you're getting in walks and stuff, sadly such things are getting largely crowded out for me lately. As you say, the things that keep us sane often get shelved in busy times. They shouldn't.

Yes, it's busy and difficult. He is finally home now, which is good but also places more pressure on me to keep home stuff under control. You make a really good point about “women’s work isn’t really work”. I'm cast in just one more role for which I am constantly kind of invalidated. That's hard. And no kidding being a carer doesn't pay the bills. As you say, so much pressure now, we take it one day at a time, focus on the basics.

I'm still on a journey to find that out. Sometimes I know, sometimes I don't. You're right though, I'm the expert - even experts don't get to stop learning (if they're doing it right).

I understand about meds. We have to make our own choices about those.

Thanks for being here,

Blue.

[therising]

Hi Blue and Jstar49

I can't help but wonder whether you struggle with being wonderful (jam packed with an incredible sense of wonder, to the point of distraction at times). Personally, I'm a shocker, at times completely out of control. As you mention Blue, routine is a must for a wonderful person. Could easily stay in a state of wonder for days if it wasn't for routine pulling me out on occasion 🙂 Is being too wonder filled a form of OCD? I suppose you could label it as such if an obsessive compulsion to wonder is causing some disorder in life. Sometimes I wish I was 4 years old and could get away with it. At 51, if someone said to me 'You can retire early with an endless amount of money', I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd spend the rest of my life wondering about things like 'I wonder what it would be like to fly to Spain for a couple of weeks or buy a house to decorate to the point where its overall appearance led me to feel pure joy and I couldn't wait to wake up in the morning just to experience it or I wonder what it would be like to buy/provide experiences for people that would turn their lives around'. I'd fulfill it all and more.

I've found the ability to easily sense what's boring isn't a problem until it is. Some people have the ability to feel boredom so easily, when it's there. Nothing quite like boredom to trigger wonder. While my husband insists he's never bored, I can't help but ask him 'What's wrong with you? Why can't you feel how boring this is?'. I find that funny in a way, kind of like his 'boredom sensor' is broken 🙂 He really needs to fix that, as this issue makes for an incredibly boring relationship.

Blue, I think people can kinda 'break' our imagination in a way, until we fix it, begin exercising it constructively again. I'm not picking on my husband here, just using him as an example (as he's typically a great reference for examples) but he messes with my imagination something shocking at times. While I've pretty much given up on expecting an exciting life with him, I've questioned him in the past about where he sees this marriage going. His response (brace yourself), 'I just want us to grow old together'. What the...?! I imagine you imagine the same thing I do. Can you see 2 people doing nothing other than sitting around getting greyer and more wrinkly? I have a big grin on my face. As I've said to him 'You do understand this is simply depressing'. He doesn't have a problem with it. His imagination is seriously messed up 🙂

[Jstar49]

Omg yes! I get to a point where I resent my clients suddenly, after weeks or months of finding working with them interesting and stimulating! Wow! Whatever it is, it kinda explains my history of job switching and studying several different courses consecutively...

How about relationships? Du get bored easily? I’m considering that maybe if I was with someone more... easy, I mite ha e gotten bored ages ago. Perhaps the very challenges which frustrate me also keep me interested??

My dog would disagree with you about the walks. The regularity has slipped, and he looks mournfully at me most days. Doesn’t even get excited when I walk out the gate bc nine times out of ten it’s nothing to do with him 😞

I made a point of having one with him b4 leaving for Sydney tho. The memory lingers, cool green trees, no ppl, no pressure. Except then dinner was late and that caused an argument .... 😞

Theorising- LOLOLOL! I would be screaming with laughter if I wasn’t on a train right now! So funny! Yep, growing old and grey together is seriously boring! I mean, if you stay together, sure you get old and grey, kinda at the same time, but as a life goal??? No. Just no!

Love Live Love the wonder-filled life! It kept me wandering and rootless for many years. Funny tho I have a lot of inner judgement about that time in my life, and ambivalence at the time about fitting in, finding my tribe. Altho tbh I kept thinking others in mainstream would somehow begin to ‘get’ me and then I would feel the acceptance I craved. Family too.
thankyou for that mini Aha! moment!

Walking to the best of a different drum has never been easy. Countless artists and inventors etc have testified to that. I inspire myself with such thoughts.
Dancing thru the storm!

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Therising,

Can't say I'm overly full of wonder. I have my moments, mostly I am full of cynicism. Put me in nature though, there is some wonder left in me for that. Haha, I don't think there are many people who would say no if you told them "You can retire early with an endless amount of money". I sure wouldn't! I like your idea about randomly decorating a place in Spain, that's fun. I think if I could retire and be rich, I'd spend a bunch of time just fixing all the painful, mundane problems from being poor. Then the weight would lift off my back and I could stand and look around and get up to all sorts of good-natured mischief with it. I mean, if you're gonna help someone and have all the funds to do it, why not have a Mariachi band turn up at their house and sing a song before presenting them with keys to a new car or whatever? XD

That's interesting. Maybe your husband is genuinely interested in boring things, some people are. Me, I don't feel bored much, exactly. I'm aware of a thing being boring - then I get interested in something else. The problem comes when I'm interested in something else but have to attend something boring - I then feel trapped rather than bored, because it's not like there isn't anything interesting me, I'm just not allowed to play with it. Not a nice feeling, I can tell you!

For me, it's life circumstances breaking my imagination rather than people, but I get what you mean. I certainly see the funny side of your husband's goal of just growing old together. Though some people just don't have a clear long term view, it may just be a hazy idea to him and that's all he can see that he can reasonably predict. I would hope "What would you like to do with me tomorrow?" might elicit a more interesting response than "Grow another grey hair together". Sometimes we just need to ask a different question to get a more satisfying answer. Just a thought.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Interesting, that thing about resenting your clients, maybe try to channel that feeling into the sameness of the job with them rather than the individuals. I understand though, sometimes that's easier said than done. It does seem like you have a hunger for learning and following what's interesting, with all those jobs and courses. Much as my job grinds my gears a lot of the time, being able to hop between departments has at least given me some room to work with my nature whilst also keeping a steady income. I think I'd be in serious trouble otherwise...

No, I don't get bored in relationships. I get hyperfixated on that person, on his mannerisms and features, about his interests and life in general, it's kind of a low level obsession (apparently not that unusual with ADHD). As long as they give me anything positive to feed it I can maintain interest and willingness to work through the less fun parts of being in a relationship. Mind you, if they don't do right by me, there is a point at which the obsession flips to all the things required to get them out of my life. I can't speak for whether the frustrations you feel in relationships are what keeps you interested, it's perhaps a worthwhile question for you to explore.

Oh dear, a forlorn puppy wanting to walk with you, and arguments over late dinner. That's not fun. I'm glad you got in a walk with pup before going away, though. You sell the feeling of that walk so well, sounds peaceful. I actually managed a walk today. Aside from the prickle that got in my sock (that I kept thinking I'd removed but I still felt it in my foot as soon as I walked again, grr!), it was pleasant. Not many people, lots of birds, a few pretty flowers and butterflies everywhere. Loved it.

Your wandering life sounds kind of interesting. I did all my wandering internally. My mind was light years away - I ate, slept and breathed science fiction. Always reading or watching or writing about it. As I trudged through life, putting down roots and paying bills and having bad relationships (present relationship notwithstanding, LM is amazing), I would stay up all night exploring that stuff. Eventually life squeezed that out of me. Trying to claw it back, one episode of Star Trek at a time! LM watches with me, and encourages me to write or draw, or whatever I need to do. Unfortunately he's also unwell and all the boring life stuff is on me, so there goes all my time for following it up. Sigh.

Blue.

[therising]

Hi Blue and J*

I think it's true, boredom is a matter of opinion. I suppose it's more so a lack of excitement. A lack can really mess you around sometimes - a lack of excitement, a lack of adventures (adding ventures as opposed to repeating the same ones over and over again), a lack of inspiration, a lack of energy, a lack of revelations, a lack of direction, a lack of money with which to wonder with and so on. They can all be triggers in one way or another. I think a lack is kind of doing my head in a little at the moment.

Blue, I love the idea of a Mariachi band. It makes me smile. Would definitely raise the energy levels and attract all the outside the square fun loving people. I love such people. I think I need to begin looking for them, so that I can remember who I really am. Reconnecting with nature is another brilliant idea. I miss it.

It's interesting with the fixation on studying people. I think you can study and study and study them until they become so predictable you're almost desperate for them to do something quite stunning or shocking (in a good way). Constantly evolving people would have to be the most fascinating people in my opinion. I find it fascinating how people on the forums here can manage to find what works over time, manage to work so hard in seeking a difference, manage to question so much etc. I find people who struggle with mental health challenges are such hard workers and so desperate to be more conscious. They're so desperate for change. On the other hand, many of those who proclaim to be 'normal' tend to settle for who they believe themself to be, dictating that they've got it all worked out and there's no need for them to change. I beg to differ on occasion 🙂

My husband and I started our relationship off more than 20 years ago as drinking buddies. When I made it out of depression and continued to raise our 2 legendary kids, my husband continued with the drinking after I stopped. I think drinking gradually separates people. While the non drinking member of the relationship struggles and works so hard through so many stressful and depressing things that change them for the better over time, the drinker continues to escape many of the challenges that can lead them to evolve. The paths begin to separate as one evolves beyond sameness and a self destructive form of escapism. I think the sameness can become depressing if we're not careful, not aware of it creeping in. Cue the Mariachi band and any other suggestions 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Therising,

I hear you about the lack. Inspiration, energy, revelations, direction. All those things have been in seriously short supply in my current situation. Money, especially, that's a big one to put wonder in it's place. Re your comment on adventures, I would posit that it would no longer be an adventure if you have the same one over and over, it would then become commonplace. You really hit the nail on the head about triggers here, the lack of these things is definitely hurting me. I can't fault my partner for not dreaming with me and wanting these things. His health says no, and while it does that mine is being pulled down too and no-one gets any adventures. It is hugely depressing for both of us.

Haha, glad you like the Mariachi band. You know, just your talk of wonder, and what you could do without the constraints of work and money fired my imagination. Just for a minute. I value that minute greatly. I also remembered an old practical joke I once thought I'd love to do if I were rich - turn someone's house 45 degrees so they come home and can't find the front door. Hehehe. (Wouldn't really even if I could, but it's a funny thought.) Re nature, do you have any natural spaces near you that you could visit? Today I was feeling rubbish and didn't much want to be out in public, so I took my glass of juice and just sat out in my back yard. I could hear the corellas and the pigeons, and caught sight of a honeyeater or two. I looked at my space and could imagine things I want to do with it. More natives, a little veggie patch. Not the height of creativity, but a spark. It counts.

I do agree, struggle is the biggest catalyst for change and growth. A person who knows no struggle rarely knows growth. Why examine something that doesn't appear to be broken? Problem is those people are often operating on thoughts and values given to them by their parents or authorities or peers, and don't even think to question it. I find it sad.

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? The divergence in your paths does not seem to be making you happy. You clearly crave more growth and adventure and fun. I wonder how he would react to a singing telegram (mayhap of the Mariachi variety). Could showing him a bit of adventure or just something outside the box get him thinking, spark some imagination in him?

Blue.

[therising]

Hi Blue

You're so funny. I laughed out loud over the house being turned. You have a highly amusing imagination. I think my kids brought my imagination back to life. While we imagine things such as what it would take to form a constructive communist society (that would actually work) all the way through to what we'd need to do to successfully survive a zombie apocalypse, our combined imagination stretches from the serious to the ridiculous to the hilarious. Btw, I think I'd do okay with walking zombies. With running ones, I'm too unfit to survive 🙂

It was the lockdowns here in Melbourne that led me to the revelation - Pure nonsense is great natural medicine. As you'd know, life can be far too serious to the point of depressing at times. A daily dose of absolute nonsense is good for the soul. The challenge is to find people with brilliant imaginations who love speaking nonsense. Anyone too serious doesn't cut it 🙂

I have several natural spaces I love to retreat to and just purely feel. As I've mentioned, while great sensitivity can feel like a curse at times, it gives us the ability to feel life on so many levels. To feel the song of the birds, to feel the sound of the breeze running through the trees, to feel the sun kiss your face and so much more reminds us of why we're here - to feel. Life is such an interactive experience. I have so many commitments pulling me out of going to the places I love. I need to seriously restructure my life. I greatly appreciate the wake up call you've given me regarding me re-turning to nature to catch my breath and feel life as it was intended for us to be felt on occasion, through joy.

With my husband, I've tried so many things to lead him to feel pure joy. As long as I'm doing most of the work, he's fine. As soon as I suggest he exercise his sense of wonder and imagination, he declines the invitation to evolve through such things on his own. He likes 'easy'. He's one of those guys who says each year 'What would you like for your birthday?'. While I appreciate the question, I've suggested he think about who I am and let that lead him to imagine what I'd like. He says 'Just tell me'. I'm incredibly proud of all the effort I've put into this marriage. While such great effort (with limited response) used to get me down, now it gives me a sense of pride. My19yo daughter insists I've tried far too hard for my own good, yet this is what's led me to come to know who I truly am, someone who can't tolerate depressing sameness 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Therising,

Glad to give you a chuckle. I do think my imagination works best when turned to humour. It's great that you can have those hypothetical conversations with your kids, sharing ideas both serious and absurd. One thing my partner and I do is play Dungeons and Dragons - there is much scope for imagination there, and even in a fantasy setting, the game brings you to questions about society and morality... and also to some wonderfully absurd characters and events. It's a while since we've been able to play. We both miss it. (It sometimes involves zombies - sometimes they are my minions.)

You're right about nonsense. Nonsense is wonderful, and a great play-space for thinkers. Notice how when you get two highly intelligent people in a room together who have a wealth of knowledge and education between them... they talk utter nonsense. There's just this beautiful place of understanding and knowing we don't have to explain fundamental things to each other, there can be space to imagine and laugh. It's freeing.

You said: "I have so many commitments pulling me out of going to the places I love." I certainly understand that. For me time blindness has a lot to do with those commitments undermining the self care, and forgetfulness of what I could be doing for myself. Are they things you struggle with, or more a sense of overwhelm? Granted my efforts have been a bit upended recently, but generally I lean heavily into minimalism - less stuff, less commitments, even my relationships I curate regularly so any that have gone toxic are removed. And so, less overwhelm. This takes regular re-evaluation as my needs and responsibilities change. For instance, adding a dishwasher to my home now would lessen the time I spend doing dishes. I could then spend that time in the garden with my partner, or doing something else we enjoy.

I'm sorry the effort is all on you. I understand both the disappointment and the pride. You have done a lot to bring joy and I think that is a hallmark of being your authentic self. You know who you are.

I want you to know talking to you has sparked conversation with my partner, about imagination and adventures, and planning even little things he can manage while unwell that are fun to do together. It's been a little seed of positivity in the despair reigning in this household lately, and I thank you for it. I can't tell you how valuable that is to us both right now.

Blue.

[therising]

Hi Blue

So happy to hear your imagination has brought you both to life more. Imagination is an incredible thing, found in so many aspects of life. I wish it was a subject at school, so that kids could understand how it works, how to maintain it, how to ramp it up when need be and how to reign it in when it's getting seriously out of control, when to trust it and when to reject it etc.

I used to believe imagination belonged to kids, something we had before we largely grew out of it. It wasn't until the last few years when my imagination really came back to life that I began to seriously wonder about this amazing aspect of us. The more I explored, the more stunned I was in regard to its impact. From the innocent imagination of a 3yo to the absolutely mindblowing imagination of Nikola Tesla to the incredibly dark, highly disturbing and seriously destructive imagination of someone like Ted Bundy, the scope is fascinating. With imagination basically being the home of imagery, Nikola Tesla's ability to channel imagery (leading him to bring incredible things to life) was truly stunning. One of his many quotes - 'My brain is only a receiver, in the Universe there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength and inspiration. I have not penetrated into the secrets of this core, but I know that it exists'. If he was alive today, and someone was to ask him 'What happens when you open your mind?', I imagine his response to be something along the lines of 'The possibilities in life become endless with an open mind. With a closed mind, they are sadly limited'.

Strange to think that just about everything we see around us was first imagined. From the chair we're sitting on, to the house we're living in, to the clothes we're wearing, all of it was imagined before it was brought to life through careful planning. It's quite a trip when you think about it. To stretch the imagination, to exercise it regularly, makes it fit for life. Suppressing it or having it led in the wrong direction can prove deeply depressing.

Can relate to what you say about 'me' time. Regular re-evaluation and greater consciousness all round, when it comes to working part time and helping others, needs to be my ultimate goal for greater self care. I have to let go of my mantra 'Yes, I think I can squeeze that into my schedule'. Before I know it, I've squeezed out 'me time. Thank you for raising my consciousness. I need more raisers in my life 🙂

Life is always challenging us to manage in new ways.