Feeling ok and the tide has turned

[Airies]

A year ago I was a mess and for 8 months I was in a dark dark place. Numerous hospital visits, medications, supportive family and lifestyle choices and I'm feeling ok.Being bipolar type 1 I tend to do things to extremes. I'm starting to string a number of good days together... I'm starting DBT in a few weeks which will test me somewhat. I'm putting one foot in front of another, not making any huge decisions and part of me is thinking I could be lulling myself into a false sense of security...I'm expecting a fall... I don't want to go where I was.. I don't know whether I could survive another bad episode.. It was scary and I was over it. I continue to have nightmares at night.. I sleep in some sort f medicated bliss but I have my moments.

cheers Len

[Airies]

Hi Vanessa,

enjoy your mumma time. Used to do respite for a 20 year old boy with autism.rewarding times and nice to give parents time out.Looked at the bike,felt the tyres they were flat.The bike and the xcecise fix i used to get were an extension of myself, not gathering dust. I'm not ready to,get out on the bike. Just can't... Also don't trust myself...Helpd wife wth housework I enjoy this.. Felt sick and dizzy, flat in an instant. So,after lunch despite beautiful weather outside and things to do slept 5 hours. It seems reaching out doing things comes at a cost. Any minor upset, lowering in mood seems absolutelly massive.once able to roll with the punches, now a puff of weed tends to bowl me over.. Not a good day for me. Hope you and fellow BBs are having a better one

cheers Len

[Kazzl]

Hi Len mate. Sorry it's all gone a bit pear-shaped for you. Accepting that mecurial nature of bipolar is hard isn't it. I have that trouble, just when I think everything's OK suddenly it's not. But similarly sometimes when I'm down and feel things will never get better they do. Tis the nature of it.

I guess the best thing to do is make the most of the good days eh? We can't live in fear and self-limiting defeat because we know at some stage we'll go down, or maybe we won't be able to complete something we've started. Maybe we just have to accept that things might happen that get in our way, but try anyway.

Your bike, and anything else you want to do, will be there when you're ready mate. And you will be ready again.

Hugs, Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

big hugs and hope you are doing ok. How things on the work front?. Guess it's cold in Canberra. SW vic has been hit by a cold front. Could be flooding in parts. Was expecting more rain overnight but grateful for any drop as my water tank hasn't a drop in it. yesterday beautiful,and warm, early 20s sun was out potted around the garden a wee bit..Ran out of PRNS the night before. Should have gone to th chemist.so no meds last night, agitated,tense highly strung and ended up watching taped football past midnight..My wife has sensed me not being overly flash this week. I'm not having thoughts as such which is a good thing, but realising more and more there is only so much i can do... So if I can do very little I might as well do it well.It was great to have a few warm days. Eastern Rosellas busy checking out the hollow log in tree, discovered some noisy minors nesting in little Accacia tree and lovelly flowers. Awoke to rain and a pair of wood ducks flying past so it was nice to see a bit of nature .. Love those glimpses... Feel like I've been hit by a semi or run a 10 k run.Funny how this battle manifests itself physically.

Love your positive spin on things and hope this finds you in a good space.Have my DBT orientation on Monday so will keep you posted. Have a good one

cheers Len xx

[Kazzl]

Hiya Len, sounds like you live in a beautiful place! Yes, it's still a bit cool and rainy here. We've had a few nice Spring-like days, but another return to winter today. I am really hanging out for warm sunny days, I need the sun, my mood is so much better when it's sunny.

I'm sorry you've been flattened Len. Take your time mate, you'll come up again. I really hope the DBT orientation goes well. You know, I liked your comment that if you can do very little you might as well do it well. I agree with you. And the things you can do, like housework, are important. It's interesting that we as a society put a hierarchy of worthiness on things we do, yet all things have a purpose, a necessity, and are worthy of doing well. My hubby does all the housework and most of the cooking while I'm working, and the value in that for me is massive. Apart from the practical assistance, and the ease of mind it gives me knowing home things are under control, it's an expression of love and care and that means the world to me.

Thanks for asking after me mate. I've been home all week on the doc's advice, and I'm feeling much better. I've come to the momentous decision that I don't want to go back into the public service (unless I absolutely have to). It's time for a career change. Time to follow the heart ... so I'm looking into possible options in the mental health world.

I have to go back to work on Monday but hopefully only for a few weeks. Once I finish up, I'll walk out with my head high. Then have a holiday, or fall apart. Or both.

Hey, what football do you follow? I guess that's a silly question with you being Victorian and all. I'm a league fan and my fabulous Canberra Raiders are in the finals. Big game this afternoon. Can't wait. My daughter's coming over to watch it with us on tele (tickets were sold out within days).

Chat soon mate, take it easy on yourself eh?

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

enjoy the game. It's great when you're team are in the finals. Hope your team wins! I'm a Carlton fan in the AFL. They were good once. I watch the state of Origon .is that league? It's a great spectacle but Queensland,seems to win all the time.i live on the Bellarine Pensinsula , lovelly part of Sw Vic coastline. That's great that you've made the decision for a career change. Follow your passion. It might just be what the Dr ordered and your health is number 1. I regret returning to the Public Service when I did.it was great when I worked in TAFE, but I've paid a heavy price for working in Corrections.i always said I'd rather have my integrity and walk out with my head held high. I don't miss it any more.Trying to focus on other directions.

I'm having a pyjama day, just watched the taped game between Geelong and Hawthorne. Great game decided on the final kick after the siren. Can't get any closer then that.

Well Kazz, curl up on the sofa, bean bag or comfy chair,load up with munchies,potato chips , maybe a glass or 2, grab your scarfe and may the best team win , hopefully yours ,

cheers Len

[Kazzl]

Well Len, I did everything you said (minus the glass or two - non-drinker), chips, chocolate, scarf and all, even a little Viking figure by the tele ... but the best team didn't win. Bugger.

But, we live to fight again next weekend. Our sudden death round.

Hope you're having a good evening mate. Nothing wrong with a pyjama day! Chat soon.

Cheers

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Kaz,

time to regroup and have another crack. Might have to give the Viking figure a good luck rub. I hope at least it was close. Good luck for next week. I've bee taping and then watching the AFL games when it suits not knowing the results beforehand. Another day in limbo here. At least I can see the warning signs and try and ride it out, but I hate it so. Anyway tomorrow's another day..Have a good one

cheers Len

[Airies]

Had the DBT orientation today. Last night had dreams/nightmares about being in my old room at the hospital and speaking to clinicians at lengh. Funny how the mind works. Well for the year ahead 4 sets of behavioural skills in 3 modules.

1) Core Mindfulness - the practice of being fully aware and present in this moment , without judgement

2) Distress Tolerance - How to tolerate pain in difficult situations, not change it

3) interpersonal effectiveness- How to ask for what you want and say no while maintaining self -respect and relationships with others

4) Emotion Regulation - Understanding emotions and learning how to change emotions that you want to change-including how to reduce your emotional vulnerability and decrease emotional suffering.

DBT is a specialised form of cognitive behavioural therapy developed by American psychologist Marcia Linehan in the 1980s,

so I felt good and optimistic at the end of 3 hour intro. One evening a week will be taxing enough. 1 on 1 post evening with Clinician at length to thrash out the nitty gritty. Did a few sessions early this year but do unwell pulled out and to be honest no recollection of the content.Looking forward to it but tentative steps. It's something I need to do in order to grow, develop and become a better person through it all.

im sure a few demons will raise their ugly heads but hopefully overcome it..

This is my 'job' over the next 12 months and then put the theory into practice till I'm old and grey ( ok older and greyer)

cheers Len

[Kazzl]

Hiya Len - how lovely to see your face! Cool hat too. Well, this all sounds very positive mate. I expect it will be hard going, and some demons will pop up along the way, but you have good support there and the clinicians will be used to the appearance of demons and help you deal with them.

I like your attitude of this is your job for the next 12 months. I think that commitment is very important. My partner took the same approach to getting sober, made that his focus every day, and it worked. He's nearly six years sober now (I'm just behind him, five and a half). It actually brought us together (we met through recovery) so magical things can happen when you focus on getting better 😄.

So, how does it work Len - do you concentrate on one thing at a time or are they interwoven? I'll be really interested to know how it's going, hope you stay with us along the journey so we can learn from you and support you. It's very generous of you to share all this.

Hope you have a good day today. I'm back in the office again, reluctantly, but only for a couple more weeks I think. Now that I've accepted it the last day can't come soon enough!

Cheers mate

Kaz

xx

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

brought somewhere in Greece last year during European cruise. It's one thing at a time with Mndfullness being a core component throughout.Hats off to you and hubby for being sober free for so long. I do apologise for suggesting you have a few during the game the other day.

Now I know .... It's been raining cats and dogs here and we are in for a wet week. How's Canberra going? The end in sight for you at work. One door shuts another one opens.

Had the most hellish nights. Almost rang up to get admitted in hospital. Having the most hellish dreams, getting chased and then waking up feeling sick and more or less having a psychotic episode. Flashing lights, spots, seeing weird things. This was about 2 in the morning . Took some PRN which I've never done at night. I think yesterday's orientation, seeing some familiar faces and the past week tipped me over the edge. It was really scary I didn't know where I was and then I did. I'm ok now but if it reoccurs tonight will go in,

i said to my wfe im not suicidal, I want to be around for the next 30 years, This was a really scary experience.Hope you have a great day at the coal face 🙂

cheers Len