Extremes, life on a herdy gerdy...

[white knight]

I'm not sure if its my bipolar, my depression or both that dictates my extremes in mood from ultra positive to my world as I know it...ending. Ending meaning marriage collapse and becoming a hobo, sad, homeless individual.

I'm sure I'm not alone, that some reading this will relate to the happy times only to regularly fall in a heap.

For me to be joyous everything must be ok. Finances ok, car running well, wife and I on the same page, the weather fine, no one demanding attention in the family etc. But of course nearly every day something occurs. Thats enough to believe life is fragile. My mood thereafter for a number of hours is desperate, its like you just want to escape but you know from your early days 35-40 years ago that that doesnt work, all it does is create more problems needing more answers, not to mention the hurt it causes others and family and friends dont deserve that.

For just one month to live a stable life, to string along many days whereby life is the same. No mania, no sadness, no self harm, no conflict or uncertainty. No feeling like you just want to enter a hospital...Medication I've learned can only do so much, the rest is huge challenges.

I'm a really positive individual but I've learned that my ills do not allow me to keep my chin up all the time. Its just not possible.

"You've got the theory down pat" said the psych nurse but putting it in practice isnt so easy.

I think with mental illness one has a major problem advancing beyond a certain personal ability. After that its beyond our capability.

Erratic mood, do you have that life of swings, roundabouts and herdy gerdies? If so what has been you best remedy? I'd love to know.

Just to ease the pain.

Tony WK

[white knight]

Thankyou Taurus,

Truly beautiful words. The last few hours have picked me up somewhat.

I understand. I'm swaying from not wanting to be over reactive to being less emotional to getting back where I was and helping others particularly new posters.

So once I've settled with that jumbled if emotions I'll be back.

Tony WK

[Quercus]

Hi Tony,

There are a few things I was wondering if you can consider...

1. Have you been making yourself a priority? Honestly? Its been 7 years since you went to your psych. Have you become complacent about YOU? There are things that are hurting you. Reliving memories, hurtful toxic relationships that are still affecting you. You know all the techniques. You help and help and help others but what about you?

2. You mentioned feeling let down that others are being self involved. Is that such a bad thing? What is wrong with being selfish sometimes? Sometimes it is what we need. You are selfless. You're helping others even when it makes you cry. How about giving yourself a break. Be selfish. You are worth it too. Be gentle on yourself as Paul says. Self involvement is a survival technique too. I use my thread as a diary almost. I choose to invest time in ME as well as others because I matter too. Would you consider giving it a try? Talk to yourself on a thread. Be selfish for once. Regardless of what your Mother told you YOU are worthwhile.

3. On the self harm note... This is the first mention I've seen of this Tony. We can't read your mind my friend. But we do care. We do want to know if this is something you're stuggling with preferably before you are in a world of hurt. Yes I'm sorry it sounds like a reprimand but think of it as me being mothering. A nice mum. One that cares. Talk to us please.

Time to give TLC to yourself. We are all here for you. Please ask for help more often 😊

[CMF]

Hi Tony,

Well I have found your thread and i am so sad to hear of your struggle. You ask '...do you have that life of swings, roundabouts and herdy gerdies?' Oh my goodness - YES! Do I have a remedy? Not sure. I think i tend to wait for the roundabout to stop going round, because I know it will stop at some point. I have also learnt, only recently, that when things are good and i am feeling great, no to take it for granted and get too excited. I now try to enjoy it and make the most of it because i know that something could happen to trigger a downturn in my mood and i will feel helpless once again. When this downturn happens i try and focus on the way I felt when things were good and know that I can feel like that again, after all it about swings and roundabout so no one way that we feel sticks around forever.

I hope this helps somewhat. It is frustrating and sometimes i wish i simply did not care about things but that is not me and i can't be something that i am not. I accept who I am and how I feel. I wait for the roundabout to stop so I cn jump on the swing because i always feel freedom on the swing.

cmf x

[annie45]

Hi Tony

Thank you for this thread. You are quite amazing, that with all that is going on in your life you can still give the rest of us a life lesson. I have seen you posts in other threads and always thought of you as invincible. But that's ridiculous because no one is invincible. Sometimes we need to be reminded to look a little deeper, scratch a little further. Those that appear stoic still need help, still need care and still need compassion. So my promise to you today is that I will ensure that I try to scratch and dig more.

I'm new to this MI game so as far as advice, I'm a bit limited. But can I offer you hope, hope that this will resolve and patience while until it does. You have seen this before, but you have recovered too. Know in your heart that it will happen again and trust the process. My thoughts are with you for as long as it takes. We are all here with you.

Best of luck

Annie

[quirkywords]

Tony

I am sorry I have only seen your thread. I am sorry you felt unsupported , if I had found this thread I would have answered earlier.

To answer your question yes I have extremes of moods and lots of things, I either love something or dislike it intensely, I either want to be alone to be surrounded with lots of people, no middle road. I don't think mine is bipolar just my personality I think. I feel I am on a seesaw of emotions.

I have no remedies no answers. I wish I had wise words to offer. You have always impressed me by your insight into your problems and I am sure you will work this out.

Your words here have moved me on this thread.

Sometimes I have felt like a fraud when I have written to others while my own life is a mess. Sometimes it is easier to advise others rather than tale one's own advice.

Sending supportive Kind Thoughts

Quirky

[white knight]

Thankyou again. To be honest those that posted here in the last two days significantly made a difference.

My name White Knight was chosen as it is a syndrome. Rescuing others in distress. Its my nature and rarely have I wanted any return of favour but this time I've craved it.

At 12yo I pushed my older diabetic brother over the edge of our above ground pool. He was having a fit. I didnt speak a word for 3 months. My mother tried forcing it out of me yelling for days. Eventually I came good but no one knew the details for 30 more years.

My bro took his life in 1979. I was 24yo he 27 a teacher. I'd spent 3 years in the RAAF then 3 years as a warder at Pentridge. At 21 i was the youngest warder in 120 years at the jail. An event occured there that I blamed myself for.

15 years later I reflected on the event, wrote my first poem about it and opened the floodgates. Although I cried easily from 12yo onwards it was my first encounter I had big issues. My mother tried ruining my wedding. I didnt know at the time that she likely had a severe case of denial bpd. A master manipulator and compulsive war person but a nurturer to which made it hard to break away from.

My first wife was effective with emotional abuse

Two daughters, I was so unhappy i had to leave, lost my home too so, built my own. In the meantime a journey down the suicude route went so far but thankfully thought of my kids then 7 and 4yo. I walked my eldest down the aisle last June and wondered who would have, had I went further that day.

I realised my poetry was my therapy and have 250 now. I put them into practice by sending them to victims of crime. Ive made some incredible friends from that, not that it was my intent.

By 2003 it was time to seek a psych and wrongly diagnosed with bipolar1 and adhd. Hence incorrect meds for 6 years. Then the right diagnosis bipolar2, anxiety, depression and dysthymia along with meloncholy traits.

I was to marry my now second wife and my mother stepped in to threaten to ruin it (wedding) ...again. i had no option but to get a court order to keep her away. That was 2010. I havent seen her since and never will.

We married and are happy. After 18 years running my own investigation business I was pensioned off after 2 psychotic episodes in 2013.

I try to hide my scars and challenges. Its a male thing for sure. Yes its not a bad thing to be self indulgent.

But I'm also sensitive at this time. I will return as WK, garrateed. Its what I do.

Love you all

Tony WK

[Guest_3712]

Hi Tony,

I love to hear you write poetry, in fact it is no surprise as you speak so eloquently . I too love to write and in my early childhood, I wrote lots of poems and short stories- pretty grim stuff which obviously reflected my state of mind.

I then turned to journals to chronicle my descent into hell, mainly as a release and also to convince myself I wasn't totally losing it.

As my case involved workers comp, solicitors, and finally the legal system I ended up writing a Guide to navigating the Injury Process at Work , which was adapted by my then employer and used as a training tool.

I have also had a few poems and short stories published, and have a memoir half completed- half because not quiet sure how to end it Ha Ha.

After reading your story I understand more why we clashed a little over differing opinions over nurture and nature, but considering we both suffered abuse at the hands of our mothers , our reactions are totally different- oh well we'll leave that for the experts to sort a little self obsession here Tony, but that differing opinion has been playing on my mind these last few days, and if any of that triggered you I sincerely apologise.

Writing is obviously a release for you and your story is a very compelling one - maybe in the future you should contemplate writing your memoir ?

I certainly would buy a copy - I would of course expect an autographed one.

Take Care Tony

Stressless

[quirkywords]

Tony,

I feel guilty that you had such a hard life and I had a relative easy life but still got bipolar.

Your writing in posts and poetry really moves me. You are not self indulgent, you are trying to look after yourself. You give so much to this forum. You need to care for yourself.

I used to write poetry, now I write lots of prose.

Sending Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Quercus]

Hi Tony,

Yesterday evening you sounded a lot brighter. How about today? How are you?

Thinking of you 😊

[white knight]

Hi Quercus.

Thankyou for asking

Yes, am feeling fully recovered. Amazing but Ive learned my bipolar down periods start mildly for 4-6 weeks then 4-5 days of really low mood and depression. Then for a few reasons it goes away...bit like a climax,,, peak. Then there is this remarkable calm. Absolutely going to see my psych upon my return.

Very different to depression.

Im certainly well enough to answer posts.

Now I'm worried about Quirky. Hope she is ok.

Regards and thanks for your help.

Tony WK