Reacting to the written word

[white knight]

One generation ago there were no forums, no text, no mobile phones, not many anyway. We conversed face to face or by letter that took days to arrive.

Now usually we are within reach and if we arent there is message bank. Things have changed.

When forums came about some understood the animal quickly, they adapted to the better way of handling a situation...others took much longer.

Several years ago I had a car club member take a dislike to me solely because of my success in my business. Much later I found he'd ran a business that failed hence his resentment. So one day he sent a private message "why dont you go to your doctor and get some more meds you nutter".

At the time I was a reacting person so in a rage I reported the abuse to the club president. He made some calls and concluded "its a storm in a tea cup". Clearly I'd done no wrong but I obviously had some learning to do.

Its all about control. What you think you can control and what you think you cant. If you are at the end of an abusive comment, a person that wants to cause conflict you do immediately feel they have control for they have moved and aggressive chess peice towards you. Your move sunshine...take that!

An automatic reaction is hurt then anger then righting the wrong. But the abuse could be approached very differently.

Its a written word. There is no volume, no facial expression to be fearful of, there's no solid weapon and most importantly those written words are not read by all of your family and friends just a few.

Immediately following reading the abuse if we sat back and saw the abuse as a few nasty words for what it is...a few words strung along with the intent to harm that are only effective if we react in the way the bully has meant...then we are permitting the abuse to grow.

In forums however, we do have cyber friends that mean something to us. When an insult is posted we feel embarrassed and we try a number of remedies like- hurling abuse back, defending your honour, intelligent replies. What about not responding? Why is that so hard to do? I'd suggest its even harder with a mental emotional illness for we live in a world of extremes.

What about, if we dont respond, we allow other forum members to respond? What about ignoring the verbal assault and focussing in the interest/topic.

Why not simply remove them from our brain completely?

Food for thought?

Written words are only letters in a sequence designed to hurt you...but they are just letters.

Tony WK

[Guest_128]

Ok Tony,I'm sure you have been following me and know all about it.

So that is wrong of me,how can I assume that?

I am responding to you Tony because I know I can,and I will get responses back from you because you like to help me and grow my soul.

So that is wrong of me,how can I assume that?

I read through your thread and for me I found it very sad. I feel it was directed at all the negativity that's been going on lately here.

I really love reading your post you are a truly amazing man.

I have probably taken this wrong but it really upset me when you said

written words are only letters in a sequence designed to hurt you.....

but they are just letters.

Dose that mean everything you have said is just letters?

or is it like a thought is just a thought that's all it is

Dory

[white knight]

Hi Dory

Thanks for your reply.

This thread is not directed at anyone and it is very general, so we can learn how to react in different ways to make life easier.

You'd be surprised but I dont/cant follow all threads on beyond blue. My attention span doesnt allow it. The "circle of friends" is a good example. There are so many posts on a daily basis that I cant digest them all. So I dont get the theme of that thread so I just read a few posts here and there.

As far as the "written word" effecting us I'm a very good example of falling into the trap of getting hurt by those words. So I'm talking from experience.

I've written over 160 threads here on this forum. They are to assist readers not to take aim at you Dory.

As for letters it means abcdefg etc not letters of the message type.

I dont have any issue with you Dory.

Tony WK

[Guest_128]

Tony,

I know you like me,that is really hard to say.

Im tired,going to snuggle and watch tv.

you know I like you as well.

Dory

[white knight]

Hi Dory

I more than like you, i accept you.

You've come a long long way in a short time. Yes its taken me some time to "get" your humour but now that I get it I love it.

We all have certain abilities. While your communication is hard to sometimes interpret (as you have bravely admitted) I dont have such a problem but, I fall away with expressing love for example....whereas your expression of love for others is clear here with some regulars that return their love and loyalty to you. I love that, its gold. You have quite an ability there.

Throughout your journey here on this forum it is a certainty you will have conflict (I have) and you need to take a short break or have faith that people dont always mean what they say.

Eg my last sentence recently saying "be kind" was totally wrongly put. I apologise.it was meant to say continue to be kind etc. So we all make errors in the small picture...so we can marvel at the "big picture".

So its all ok. Relax and like me dont be afraid of learning. With your heart you'll always succeed.

Tony WK

[Guest_3712]

Hi Tony,

Not sure what I'm trying to say here but here goes. Awhile ago I said that I had started waiting 10 min before responding to a post , particularly if it upset or triggered me. I knew if I took those minutes to take a breath , not take it personally I would be more likely to write a useful and hopefully less emotional reply. I have continued this now for some time.

Whether or not you are referring to the posts on the weekend, I will use them as an example.

I have no problem with people expressing their view or offering alternate action plans, after all I would be pretty conceited to believe I have all the answers. What I do have issues with , is when the complete context of the post is turned upside down, because the responder is not in possession of all the facts.

Had all the facts been known, I believe there would have been no misinterpretation The owner of the thread has no trouble expressing herself, through the written word, and several of us had been offering comfort and support for some time.

This was the case on the weekend. After seeing the reply to the thread in question, I left that thread and went back to it several minutes later. Re- read it again and again, looking to see how it could have been misunderstood.

Please understand I am not a right fighter as such, unless it unfairly casts aspersions on someone else.

Tony my question is , do I ignore something that I know is wrong, that changes the whole context of the post , or do I point our the error ? I totally get the written word being unable to convey, emotions and or feelings as well as face to face.

I can also read each letter that forms the words that form the sentences and quiet clearly see the meaning intended.

Recently I have felt very confused about what I'm doing here and how Ive been doing it. I was under the impression if you were on a particular thread and wanted to comment, you posted there - not the case?

So as directed I leave that thread and go to one of the responders own thread , only to be told to 'stay on topic'. When I started the Circle it was because we had originally met up another thread, and had got away from the original thread - so I do get that.

There was some defending our honour involved, but only because the response was off the mark and completely opposite to what had been advised, if the responder had read the thread in its entirety.

[Guest_3712]

Once again I am reminded that we are all bound together by MI and need to remember that we all handle things differently . Some quick to temper, some use humour , some keep quiet and others assume blame just because their name is on the thread

It is very hard to not allow triggers to influence our responses , purely because these issues are so emotive. I have come to realize though a certain amount of detachment is needed , without losing compassion.

For instance just because my childhood was crap doesn't mean everyone elses was and a disagreement or such doesn't necessarily translate into abuse, just because it happened to me.

Appreciate the support

Stressless

[white knight]

Hi dear SL

Re: "Tony my question is , do I ignore something that I know is wrong, that changes the whole context of the post , or do I point our the error ? I totally get the written word being unable to convey, emotions and or feelings as well as face to face."

Well, its like walking through a minefield but I'll try to answer because freedom of speech is a strong belief.

A golden unwritten rule with conflict IMO is to direct questions straight to the person involved. Frankly I didnt follow the conflict closely. ..I wasnt involved.

Up until a few months ago we didnt have our "own threads". If you commenced a thread and it went off topic, you just made a post to take it back on topic...one didnt get annoyed by showing anger to others that innocently went off topic. So this is a new phenomenon. Personally speaking only, I dont think we "own" threads. All of my threads, over 160 could go off topic and I wouldnt care because my view is that people are talking, posting...thats all that matters.

I hope that answers your question. If your honour is hurt remember, a little time out even a day or so allows you to return with new eyes and a clearer perspective.

Ive done that for 4 years now and it works.

Tony WK