Alone in a crowd

[white knight]

Hi, an old neighbour once said to me after I told her I felt disconnected from people- "well Tony, we are born alone and we die alone".

Pretty solemn stuff. Of course some would argue parents mean we aren't alone but that's missing the point. Some of us can be in a crowd of what they call "like minded people" and still feel alone... why?

The answer has plagued me a lot over the years. I have my theories. Humans are the highest intelligence on our planet and that means we are more in tune with the realities of death and survival. We therefore are more in tune with being alone and that feeling we are not accompanied by others. Unlike a lot of animals we look different to each other and we dont form "packs" as often. Modern man doesnt form pack that is, unlike the Indigenous of all continents did, the reason being that we have less need. If you have money you have all the fruits of human labour like food and shelter. We no longer need someone to help us hunt for bark for a roof nor strength to carry a moose back to camp.

Same with queues at a concert- we all have tickets, we dont need the guy next to us for small talk nor his strength... but there is also what I see as automatic segregation. A.S can occur with differences in - age, appearance, religious clothing, over hearing talk amongst others and so forth. There's also perceived differences. People can "guess" they are not suited to engage in a conversation with another based on prejudgements. As a past security guard I've always had short hair and often am asked if I am or was a police member. Maybe that has caused young people to avoid me?

I only ever had one best friend. We went to year 10 together then a gap while I was in the Air Force then we hooked up again and we shared nearly all feelings and experiences. Unfortunately he married and the addition of his wife in the mix kind of set me loose from his moorings. I never felt "alone" when we were close. Maybe that is what is missing in a crowd? A real close friend.

Alas, I have my wife, I dont feel alone with her true. Even in strong marriages you can yearn for that close friend, maybe I'm thinking - mate? 

Do you feel "alone" in life? Amongst family? Is that feeling natural do you think? Are all those people in groups at a nightclub also feeling "alone" as they all clamber to get a word in? Doesnt look like it.

What is your views on loneliness?

TonyWK

So, there is a lot of reasons to feel lonely in a crowd. 

[quirkywords]

Tony , another great post. 
the loneliest I have ever been is in a relationship where I was  ignored and unloved. Others see you as a couple but you are lonely.  I have cried myself to sleep. 
when I am singleI am  okay As I have chosen this . I like my company. I am lucky I have family who care.

[Eagle Ray]

A very thoughtful post again Tony. I have felt alone throughout my life. I believe it began with my birth. It was apparently traumatic for both my Mum

 and myself. I wasn’t breathing properly and put in a humidicrib for 10 days. Years later my Mum told me I had no human contact in this time. She couldn’t bond with me or breastfeed me. She remained unable to emotionally bond, and neither of my parents could hug me or say they loved me when I was growing up. I know both of them experienced extreme aloneness in childhood. So I felt profoundly alone the whole time and have always had this feeling of being an isolate individual, separate from all other humans. I remember wandering around at school by myself, like I was just an observer but not a participant in the social world of others. When I was in a group of friends I was the quiet one, hardly ever speaking.

So I think when the aloneness starts before our conscious memory, it is a kind of ingrained sense of self. Tomorrow I am embarking on a road trip - alone. In some ways this is comforting for me, knowing I can follow my own schedule and be independent. I’ve always been very self-reliant and I think that has a lot to do with childhood aloneness too.

 I would like to be able to bond more closely with others. I actually love people and value the good, kind people in my life greatly. But I do wonder if I will always keep a certain distance from people. I don’t feel the same aloneness with animals. I bonded to nature strongly as a child and in a way that became my family - the tree I loved to climb, the birds etc. I’ve felt very bonded with dogs and find them so easy to be with. I just love all animals.

I grew up to being taught I am responsible for the care of  others and not myself. My mother recruited me from age 5 to be her confidant/parent/support person. I had no idea how to see myself or my own needs. So my aloneness also included being invisible to myself. I was dissociated in a void as far as the human world went. Only in a primal sense in nature did I feel like maybe I began to find myself. So my journey into wild places from 8 days tomorrow I’m sure is that ongoing journey of me finding myself and finding reassuring stability in that. When I hit the open road I feel a kind of peace.

But I know some part of me would like closer bonding with others. I’m just not sure if and how that will play out in my future.

[white knight]

Hi Quirky,

Good caring family members can make all the difference. I look back of my past 3 relationships all over 7 years long and yes there were long periods of loneliness. I cant help but feel in my 11 years marriage it lasted 10 years too long, should have got out of there early. 

As for crying yourself to sleep, I think members here have done that many times and when that happens often the partner sleeping beside you is oblivious to what hurt is happening or simply doesnt care. That lack of wanting to care as most of us know now, is inbred in some people. If thats the case at least you can release yourself from blame Quirky.

We areny perfect as a species, so if we choose the wrong partner because we werent aware of their lack of empathy... its a human mistake. Without that mistake you wouldnt be human.

TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi ER,

You made some good points. My daughter 15 minutes old was crying non stop. Her mum was being "repaired" in the caesar section. A nurse told me to stick my little finger in her mouth. I did, she suckled and was quiet. That primal need to bond, sooth and join was there.

As a child you would be wondering why you should think of everyone before yourself. Perhaps it was a reaction against a selfish society by your mother? My father would always put others first, he'd be watching a western movie and immediately change channels to motorsport when I entered the room. 

DAD’S SMILE

An old porch chair where my dad once sat

A smoke in his hand and slippers on a mat

I remember when he’d laugh and smile at me

And I’d return the honor almost instantly

My thoughts are such now that dad has passed away

I glance at that empty chair each and every day

Sorrow fills my heart and in a way it’s sad

That I still look at that chair and still smile at my dad

But all’s not lost and I don’t waste my time

Cause I still see his face smiling just like mine

Yes in that old porch chair where my dad once sat

Is his smoke in his hands and slippers on a mat….

TonyWK

Your road trip raises some questions. Yes, I can see the benefits "spiritually" in doing one alone. I told a friend after my 1st marriage collapsed "I want to be alone" and her statement was- "But Tony, you need someone to talk to, you are that type of person" After thinking long and hard about that friends view I agreed. But that was me at the time not you ER. We are all so unique and survival for each of us depends on such decisions. I'm sure you will find people to join your campfire as is the case with camping. We do caravanning and it just isnt possible to remove yourself from humans, some good some you want to run lol.

So, getting back to your childhood, as a young person making others your priority you might be feeling you are playing catch up with caring for yourself. "I was dissociated in a void as far as the human world went."  Is that a sad place to be? or a place you want to gravitate to for peace and quiet?

I sat on a rock upon a hill once. I'd been listening to my favourite guru Maharaji Prem Rawat (All is well) and in another one of his videos he speaks of watching the sunset which takes a full 2 hours. So he suggested the hill climb and sitting still. During my sit I closed my eyes and suddenly a small bird landed on my shoulder. Then flew away. I felt strongly it was a sign that I wasnt alone, certainly a sign that I was in harmony with nature. Then I went home and on the way spoke to a couple of locals in my small town and the contrast of aloneness/society was evident. It gave me a new appreciation of how society can soak us with contact/stress/modern life and we are unaware of the level of the flood.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

Yes, that bonding need is so primal. I think in me some part is still bereft of it, while another part has adapted to the aloneness as just how things are, what I had to do as a child. But I do believe there was a brief bond with my Dad when I was a small baby that I can see in photos from the way he is holding and looking at me. I think that made a difference. By the time of my first birthday you can see in photos he has become angry and lost touch with his nurturing self. That’s how he was throughout my childhood and adolescence. He finally started mellowing when I was in my early 20s. Mum unfortunately stayed trapped in her rage trauma response. Both parents carried a lot of trauma.

 I loved your poem about your Dad. I can tell he was important for you and there was kindness in him, and no doubt your own kindness and empathy as a person has a connection with your Dad.

My mother taught me to look after her at a very young age, I think because of the complete lack of love, warmth and nurturance from her own mother who was very cruel to her. It was like I had to be ok to make her feel ok (be her parent), so I could never express any worries or fears, but had to always be responsive to her worries and fears.

 I love your story about the little bird landing on you. Just a few days ago I was lying down resting on a bench by the river. I heard an emu-wren and thought I wonder if it will land on me. About 10 seconds later it landed on my elbow! I also feel these experiences are signs of not being alone.

 I relate to what you say about aloneness in society. It is quite possible to be alone in a crowd and not alone at all in a remote wilderness. In wild places I do not feel alone - I feel connected. However, I know I need people too. I think we are wired for connection, to co-regulate with one another which is essential for our well being. So it is somehow a balance for me. I can feel threat and overwhelm in the human world easily and that’s when I can be compelled to get away alone in nature. I think part of being human is being connected/relational with others.

I expect I will meet some interesting people on my trip. I usually do, even when my focus is on the animals, plants and wild places I encounter and feel at home in.

[white knight]

Hi ER,

In terms of your father. I dont know if it helps but I'm big on symbolic tokenism. For example say I worked with a guy and he spoke behind my back in really bad ways. I'd be so angry. Yet if he came and offered a basic apology and assurance it wont happen again I'd forgive him. Obviously it has limit but with some they wont far more than that to set the balance right.

That photo of your dad would be priceless to me. Photos of nurturing and smiling sometime tell us that life after those photos can often take a turn.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Tony,

My Dad actually came to me when I was 19 and gave an apology in the form of saying, “I know I’ve been hard on you.” He still had a kind of hardness, the way he said it. A few years later he said to me one day, “You’ve given us a lot of love and I really love you.” This time it was said with kind emotion and I can’t tell you how much it meant. It was the first time a parent had said anything like that to me. His mother died when he was a baby and he went through quite a traumatic time growing up. I knew it took a lot for him to express something like that. If I think my early life was hard, I think his was harder and my mother’s too. So I actually have a lot of gratitude for what they were able to give me, even if at times it was pretty brutal and frightening in my childhood. It’s like they did a lot of damage to me but in other ways gave a lot. It’s kind of confusing to reconcile but I’ve been gradually getting there. I draw on what was kind and wise in them, and there were such qualities that came out in the better moments.

 I’m sure both of them experienced the alone-in-the-crowd phenomenon you describe, so it isn’t surprising I have a similar pattern of aloneness. My Dad worked in remote regional areas and I know he loved being itinerant, only stopping this work when I was small because he now had a family and decided not to be away regularly. But I think that was confining for him too. Sometimes on family holidays he would just disappear on a bush walk without telling us he was going to. We just had to hope we’d meet up with him again and he would eventually reappear. Mum was acutely lonely and self-protective. She actually told my Dad to go away for awhile. It was hugely confronting for her to be in a relationship. He wrote to her a few months later and they eventually got married. But being two people with a self-protective loner instinct it was always a struggle for them to be together.

So anyway, here I am tonight in a little town that’s new to me. But as is the way with me I’m quite content being here alone. I’m looking forward to a week of exploring and doing photography on my own. The loner instinct continues on in me. But I still love people and just had an entertaining conversation with a colourful character at the local supermarket:) I think this might be my life pattern, caring about people and enjoying their company, but always wanting that escape route to being independent and doing things on my own.

And yes the photo of my Dad with me as a baby is priceless. I look at it when I want to feel nurtured and remember that someone loved me. I know he was super proud back then and amazed to have a little baby. You can see it in his expression.

[white knight]

That was interesting. My father, a wonderful soul, was the youngest of 7 and his mother died having got septicemia having an abortion by a backyard chemist. So my dad was raised by his 8yo sister. Their father was harsh and didnt have patience.

Also my father was reserved, non physically loving to his two sons but was to my younger sister. I was told many years after he died that he had depression. My guess was he had it due to my mother having (in denial) BPD. 

Nevertheless I think there is parallels there and the  era and the lack of a parent can have huge effects.

When we go caravanning we like the semi outback towns. Camel races is a dream we both have. Just west of the great divide is wonderful from inland of Maryborough QLD down to Echuca. Small towns everywhere and they have APEX parks or showgrounds with cheap rates. 

I did photography a lot years ago as part of my investigative career. Then it went to digital and suddenly it was all easy work. Now, koalas, platypus etc is a wonder I like to capture on pictures. 

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

That would have been really tough for your Dad, losing his Mum and having a harsh father. Being reserved may well have at least in part come out of those circumstances and, as you say, the depression may have been linked to the marriage. I think my Dad was depressed in my parent's marriage too. He never stopped loving my Mum. Although he showed physical aggression to my brother and me he never did to Mum. They had protracted arguments that never resolved, but my Mum usually dominated by yelling very loudly. In turn, Dad yelled very loudly at us, and Mum yelled at me and Dad but not my brother (weird triangulation). I'm certainly a quiet person and it used to be written on my primary school reports that I was very quiet.

I love the semi outback towns too. The trip I've just returned from has been in country that is not super remote/desert but semi-arid. The towns were small. The last one I stayed at had no supermarket or service station, though it did have a self-service fuel pump you use your card with. But I enjoyed those places and they are a bit out of the way, not the main tourist towns.

I love to capture animals too. I saw platypus in Tasmania at the Tyenna River, Cradle Mountain and Deloraine. I remember coming down on the bus from Cradle Mountain and it was animals galore. The German tourists on board were going bananas with excitement as there were wombats to the right, then platypus splashing in a creek to the left, then more wombats including a cute baby one to the right. I've been to Cradle Mountain twice and the wombats, echidnas and wallabies seemed to be everywhere. I would love to go up there again as I have better photographic gear now. I could happily spend a couple of weeks up there.