Managing boundaries with people - how do you do it?

[Eagle Ray]

One of the most anxiety-producing things for me is managing boundaries with people who push my boundaries and I often haven’t known how to handle this. Much of this links with not being taught healthy boundaries as a child. My mother taught me to take care of her but not really myself. So I grew up thinking it is my job to look after other people. Also, complex trauma issues often led me to appease others as a form of self-protection, thinking that if I help and support others they will be less likely to hurt me.

Even now in my late 40s I still struggle to deal with boundaries with certain people. With some friends it is fine. These are friends who are quiet and gentle like me. We never impose on each other and there is a healthy absence of co-dependency.

I’m finally learning to recognise the people who are likely to push my boundaries in ways that can be stressful. Sometimes these are needy people who are trying to find ways to get me to take care of them. Other times they are people with dominant personalities who want someone else to have control and influence over. I’m recognising these situations more quickly before they develop. But I still struggle at times managing these people.

Both my strength and weakness is that I can see the other person’s vulnerability and I’m caring towards them, but that often leads to them forming an intense attachment to me that then becomes stressful. I find the person can then become quite resentful if you then try to put some distance with them. I’m dealing with someone now who is a bit challenging in this way.

So I’m wondering, how do others handle people who put expectations on them to meet their needs? Have you found ways to politely but assertively and skilfully handle such people?

My sense is a lot of it is energetic. For example, I think certain people sense that I’m kind and gentle and quickly latch on before I know it. I still want to be kind and gentle, but in a way that protects me and my interests as well. I think how I come across energetically can potentially make a difference.

Not sure if that all makes sense? But just curious about other’s means of keeping a healthy boundary.

[smallwolf]

hey eagle,

trying to put in place boundaries if you have not done so before can be hard - it is something I can struggle with.  Two things ....

Brene Brown was talking about this once and said that putting in place a boundary can make you feel guilty even when it was/is the right this to do as the cost of not installing the boundary could be worse. In that regard, it can be easier to say "yes" vs putting in a boundary. 

Switching to my own psychologist asked me (in relation to boundaries) said to rock the boat a little as see what happened. Part of this is associated with being assertive. Rather than people hating me, it was accepted. I started small of course. 

Knowing that boundaries are important is one thing. Enforcing is another. I guess some things you could ask yourself is - what I am being asked, does it fit with my beliefs and values? do I have time to do it? is it my problem to fix?

hope that helps.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you smallwolf, that is all very helpful. I’ll have a look at Brene Brown’s ideas on boundaries.

Yes, I can feel guilty if I think saying no to someone is going to hurt their feelings. But I have to remind myself that I always have a choice and if something really doesn’t suit me I can choose not to do it.

 I am starting to get more assertive and I have noticed that when I do so people don’t impose so much. It often actually works out fine. I’m finding people usually respect you more when you’re assertive. If I’m overly accommodating people will often take as much as they can, using up my energy.

Probably most importantly I’m learning to not only listen to my gut feelings but act from them. So if someone is asking something of me and I get a bad feeling I don’t just override it by trying to tell myself everything’s fine (which I used to do). I’m in a situation like this at the moment and I’m choosing not to follow what someone else is wanting from me because I have a bad feeling about it. But it does create a kind of anxiety initially when I do that. Then I remind myself I have every right to act in my own interests and not do something that doesn’t feel right.

So I think I’m in a state of flux as I transition from being always so giving and accommodating without thinking/questioning/listening to my intuition, and starting to really be intuitive and respond in my own best interests. It just feels a bit wobbly and anxious in the middle of that learning curve, but think I’m starting to get there.

Thanks again, including the questions I can ask myself, which definitely help.