right time to come out

[may_04]

hi all,

I hope everyone is well. I wanna talk about coming out.

I am 99.9% sure that I am bisexual - the 0.1% is denial.

I have never been in a relationship with anyone. I have had crushes on both guys and girls though, and when I think about relationships, sometimes I can see myself with a guy, and other times a girl.

Since I've never been in a relationship, I feel as though if I come out to someone they won't believe me. That's why I feel like I should come out once I get a girlfriend (if I can actually get one). But I feel like I'm living a lie cause I haven't come out yet. And I don't want to come out then it turns out I'm not actually bi and everyone will be right - 'it was just a phase'.

Hopefully, someone can understand where I'm coming from.

I wish you all happiness and health.

- may ❤️

[may_04]

Hi Guest,

I've never talked to another queer person about coming out so if you don't mind me asking, when did you come out? How did you know the timing felt right? Also, had you, dated people, with different genders first?

I understand if you don't want to answer, I'm just curious.

- may 🙂 ❤️

[Guest_206]

Hi May,

Sure, happy to share. When I was a teenager, I dated boys, because that's just what we did, and I didn't know any queer people and everyone around me was straight. Though I did have an inkling that I was into girls. I think I liked the boys I was with, but i certainly felt like I wanted to fit in.

Then I was really lucky, at uni, I made a really good girl friend, and we were friends for ages before we fell for each other. Before we got together though, my mum starting asking me questions, basically asking me if I wasn't straight. And somehow my brother just knew. So I didn't have to come out to them- they just knew and asked me. And some friends I waited to tell until I had my first girlfriend at uni, and others I think I told that I was interested in girls before that, probably at the end of year 12. I think I probably told my closest friend first.

I think I used to try to broach the subject of queer stuff generally with my friend first to gauge what her attitude was towards queer people. Then I think when I felt confident enough that she wasn't homophobic, I told her about me.

So that's kinda my story. It sounds like you are struggling with knowing about the timing about coming out to your loved ones and that you definately want to come out at some point. And it's lonely for you having no-one know your sexuality. It's good that you can post here to work out how you feel in the meantime.

Xg

[Learn to Fly]

Hi may.04,

Thank you so much for this beautiful and most thorough answer. I have a better understanding now and agree with everything you said. You are one amazing and a very brave person. Your integrity is inspiring. I truly hope all puzzles eventually fall into a bigger picture for you as you are so worth it.

[YorkeYorke]

Hi May, thanks for sharing.

I can appreciate what you said about feeling like you are 'lying' by not coming out. You sound like you just want to be your authentic self and share that with others. However, just know you are no less authentic or honest as a person, if you need some extra time to work things out. You will come out one day if you feel it is best for you, and you shouldn't be begrudged by others for taking the time you need -- it is your journey.

In terms of what you wrote about needing to 'prove' it to others, I can appreciate that stigma, especially around bisexuality, to prove you are not either straight or gay. However, your feelings, attraction and sexuality are no less valid whether or not you have had a girlfriend. If anyone treats you differently for being out and not having a girlfriend, that is a reflection on them and not you.

There are so many 'what ifs' that can come into your head to do with coming out that it can be overwhelming. Please continue to share on here whenever you feel like it.

Yorke

[may_04]

Hi Guest,

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Would you say that by your brother and mum figuring it out on their own was better than having to come out to people? I just wish that sexuality wasn't such a big deal and that 'coming out' wasn't a thing.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my discussion, you have all made me feel a million times better 🙂

[kashiic]

Hello may.04,

The worst thing about being something other than heterosexual is that you pretty much have to "come out" repeatedly throughout your life. The best thing about that though is that you're given lots of chances to come out. Each time is individual and has many factors (including safety). Choosing not to come out and/or constantly wave visibility flags doesn't invalidate who you are, or how you choose to identify. You don't owe "proof" to anyone.

people always ask "do you like anyone? who is he?!!" or "have you got yourself a boyfriend yet?!", but I have to lie to their faces

I'd recommend starting to refer to people/relationships in a gender neutral way wherever you can (e.g. "their partner") so that your answers, when given, don't stand out in a suspicious way. What I did for a long time was answer most questions, but in a way that was technically true (e.g. "yes, but I don't want to talk about it" or "nope, I don't like anyone at the moment"). If you do like someone, you can talk about their personality or their interests in a non-specific way (e.g. "my crush is into chess") and misdirect with questions ("can you help me practice my chess skills?"). I usually just stuck to my guns and refused to answer, but here's hoping that this comment of mine helps you come up with some other options. 🙂