feeling lonely in my sexuality

[june_03]

Hi, so I am a little scared since I have never posted here but I'm giving it a shot. Over the past year, I have realised that I like girls and most comfortably sit with the bi label, although not certain, but I never realised how lonely it can make you feel. I have no friends to talk to about this stuff. I feel awkward complimenting girls who I'm friends with in case they think it's weird or makes them uncomfortable. I can't talk about my crushes in the way that they talk about the guys they like. They are obsessed with guys I barely find attractive and so I feel as if I am missing out, it's isolating. My biggest struggle when it comes to dating girls is I feel like they would never find me attractive, I never used to feel this way with guy 'crushes'. I just feel very inadequate and I don't think any girl would ever want to date me because I am not appealing to girls if that makes sense. It is frustrating because there is this girl I like, but I am not out at school and she is likely straight anyway. My sexuality feels like a barrier that only makes things more complicated. Anyway, this was a just a bit of my experience, I hope there are some people who can relate or maybe someone who will feel less alone.

[Guest_206]

Hi June 03,

I'm really sorry you feel this way about your sexuality. Why would you think that you're not appealing to girls? I think it's just about finding the right match with someone, which can be hard for everyone! Is there a queer club at school or anything like that? Or a queer youth service that you could connect with that would help you to start to feel better about your identity? It would be hard if all your friends are straight and you're feeling like you can't connect with their guy crushes and you can't talk about your girl crush.

It's great that you've posted here and hopefully you will find this place supportive.

Xg

[may_04]

hi june 🙂

it's crazy to me that I feel the same way about everything that you said. I too recently came to terms with the fact that I am bi, and it's absolutely terrifying. I haven't come out to anyone because I am too scared. I have never had a relationship with anyone so I can't "prove" that I'm bi if someone says they don't believe me. I want to wait until I actually date a girl to come out, but I probably have to come out to get a girlfriend soooo...

anyway, it feels like I'm living a lie because I haven't come out yet. everyone just assumes that I'm straight because straight is the default. If I tell my friends I have a crush they automatically ask " who is he?!!". I know that these replies are meant to be helpful but I have no idea how to help because I'm in the same boat as you. I wish there was a way for us and other closeted queer people to feel safe, secure, and loved.

I hope that everything goes well for you and that when you come out (if you haven't already) that your friends and family continue to love and support you. ❤️

- may 🙂

[geoff]

Hello June and May, can I offer another suggestion, if I was bi-sexual (which I'm not) and walking down the street with my best mate and we saw a female he was keen on, doesn't mean I have to agree with him, am I jealous or not, may be but don't forget I'm bi and naturally there will be people I'm not attracted to, and remember the people I like, they may not agree with me and even the person I decide to live with, they too may feel as though they've lost a friend, but they haven't, it's just an adjustment.

Even when you decide you want to live with another person doesn't choice your sexuality, you do it to share the costs and because the two of you get alone with each other and before you ask someone out, you need to form a relationship, go and have coffee together or go the pub to establish any relationship at all, so it's not as soon as you see someone you can ask them out, this takes time.

Who you have an attraction towards, nobody may share your views and remember the may also be bi, once you start talking with them.

Don't be too hard on yourself,it's your right to be bi.

Geoff.

[may_04]

Geoff,

Just you saying "it's your right to be bi" made me feel so much better. You're absolutely right.

Thank you so much for your reply 🙂

[geoff]

Hello May, thanks, no one can tell you what sexuality you should be, that's entirely your own choice.

Geoff.

[june_03]

hello Guest_206,

thankyou very much for your reply. I had never really thought about joining a club or group before but I think I might look around and give it a try. Your advice is really appreciated and thank you for being kind. I’ll take on your advice and hope things go well

x june

[june_03]

hey may ,

I am sorry to hear that you are in the same boat but it’s nice to know that someone else is going through the same stuff. I totally relate to the ‘who is he’ question it’s really frustrating but i hope that one day you feel comfortable enough to tell those around you about your sexuality. your reply may not have been advice but it was still helpful and made me feel seen.

also i wanted to mention that there’s no pressure to ‘come out’ anyway so we can just do this at our own pace.

thanks you so much and I too hope that you have a supportive environment

- june

[june_03]

Hey Geoff

thankyou very much,

I will try not to be so hard on myself in the future (:

your reply is much appreciated

- june

[Guest_206]

Hi june_03 and May,

Just wanted to say that I love that you've said that there's no pressure to come out. I think this is absolutely true. there'll always be people who you meet who you need to decide whether you want to come out to them or not - and whatever you decide is ok. It's ok to feel like you don't want to come out all the time - I mean, straight people don't have to come out!

Some people make it easy and show that they are inclusive by using words like "partners" "they/them" instead of "boyfriend/girlfriend" "him/her". It does make it difficult when people don't use inclusive language and when people assume you're straight. And if you're only around straight people then I hear that it can feel very isolating.

Also, you definately don't need a partner to know how you identify. And you have nothing to "prove" to anyone. No one should be questioning how you identify and if they do question you, I would be questioning whether they are supportive people who actually understand sexuality. And yes, I like Geoff's comment that it's your right to be bi 🙂

By the way Qlife is a LGBTI support line that you might find helpful too.

Xg