Married with 2 kids but im gay and living a lie

[Steven1]

Hello everyone. This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it. I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but here goes..

I am 31 and been married 5 years and have two children but have been attracted to males since I was 11 years old. Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men.

Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage. I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it's my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me.

I feel sexually frustrated all the time and am constantly wondering what it would be like to be with a guy and explore the fantasies I have had all these years. Then I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this.

My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't begin to imagine the devastating impact on everyone if I came out. The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children. I love them all so much and don't want to hurt them. I can't see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.

I will most likely remain miserable but I don't think I will be happy if I come out either. It will cause waves everywhere and I worry I will lose everyone important in my life. I don't see a solution at all.

[Steven1]

What I really want to achieve is to share how I'm feeling and to gain advice and or perspective from others. I don't expect a magical fix but I just want some guidance on what I should do in my situation.

Ultimately it is my decision and I know that. No one can make the decision for me but at the moment it just seems too confusing and too hard to tackle so I pretend it's not there and just keep going.

I wonder if any other married men can relate to my post or have been through a situation like this and are on the forum? If so I would like to know how they got through this.

I'm not after sympathy or just having a whinge I just want to hear how others would go about dealing with being gay but married to a woman.

[Kazzl]

Hi Steven, hope you don't mind me joining in here and I hope my thoughts don't upset you ... I am now on my second marriage and a good bit older than you so I might be seeing things a bit differently but, for what it's worth, I think marriages only truly work if both partners are honestly happy and fulfilled in the marriage - and I mean honestly and I mean both.

You have much to consider and decide concerning your own life, but so does your wife - whether she knows it or not.

I guess what I'm trying to say, not so subtly, is that the future of your marriage doesn't just depend on whether you as a gay man can or wants to stay with a woman. To put it bluntly, it is equally about whether your heterosexual wife wants a gay husband, or would be happier having the freedom to find a partner who is sexually attracted to her.

In my opinion, if you love her and respect her, and see her as more than just the bearer of your children, this is something you both need to consider.

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

I very much understand where you are coming from! I grew up in a very strongly religious family, and if I reflect I would say at some level I knew I was attracted to men probably around the same time as you. But I tried very hard to do what was expected of me, and I dated a couple of girls, and eventually married. I was married for 15 years, and have three lovely kids, who are now 13, 10 (last week!), and 7. I spent a good fraction of those 15 years in a pretty dark place and was on antidepressants about half that time. I was able to blame it (even partly to myself) on trying to write a PhD (which I managed eventually), and on the trauma of one of my kids being very sick as an infant. But really, in that small part of me that could be honest with myself, the real problem was, like you, that I was living a lie.

Eventually, I felt that I had to admit it (mostly to myself), that I am gay. I felt like I would lose everything, but once I had admitted it to myself, I told my wife the next morning. I love and respect her, and it was important to me to tell her. We separated amicably shortly after. I told my parents a couple of days after I told my wife (actually by email - they were living in the country, and I knew I couldn't do it over the phone. It was a good move. Time to compose your thoughts was good for me and good for them). They were very surprised, but have been a rock solid support.

That was 4 1/2 years ago, and while the first year or two were pretty hard going, things are pretty good now. My ex wife is an awesome woman, and although some of it has been emotionally hard for both of us, she has been constructive and understanding throughout. As I said, my parents have been awesome, and the rest of my family have been fine too. Being a part-time single parent was really hard, but as I've relaxed a bit and as the kids have grown up it has got much easier. I have a lovely partner - we've been together a couple of years, and my ex wife has a new partner too. He's lovely and loves the kids too.

I know there are a spectrum of outcomes, and not everyone is as lucky as I am, but I wanted you to know that if you do get to a point where you do come out (and if/when you do or not is entirely up to you), there is life on the other side of the chasm.

I've rambled on long enough for one post, but if you want to know more about my story, I'm happy to share it.

Tom.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Dr Tom,

Welcome to posting on here. Thanks for sharing part of your story. I think it helps to know things can get better. I am encouraged by what has happened for you.

Rob.

[Paul]

Hey Tom,

Thanks from me as well for sharing your story. It seems that one of the important points of your experience is that you came out to yourself before you came out to others. I think that would be really important when it comes time to sharing emotions with others and dealing with some of the difficulties and questions as well.

Paul

[DrTom]

Absolutely. Coming out to yourself, and accepting that this is just how you are is the hardest step, at least it was for me.

One thing I forgot to say earlier which I think is also important is that I feared that by coming out I would lose everything, but it never occurred to me to think about what I might gain. Quite aside from feeling much less unhappy and stressed straight away (in spite of the sadness and difficulties), I also discovered there are lots of men like me - who have been married but are gay. I also met lots of lovely caring people who understood where I was coming from, having experienced something similar themselves. Several guys gave me their phone numbers very clearly saying they were not trying to hit on me, and that I should call them if I ever felt at a loss. I never needed to, but just knowing that there were people out there who understood and who cared enough to do that was a lovely encouraging thing.

I have also made several wonderful friends, one in particular who is also a parent (though his kid is grown up), and he comes over for dinner and the kids adore him. He's the person I unload my worries on, and he has a fund of wisdom and experience, and a wicked twinkle in his eye.

I guess the point I hope you get is that as well and the things you might lose, there are also things to be gained. I think most guys in our situation would tell you that they have gained much more than they lost in a whole-of-life view.

Tom.

[Steven1]

Hello Dr Tom. Thank you so much for your post. It made me feel a lot better and gives me some hope for the future.

I would love to know more about how you explained things to your children and how they reacted. Your children are a fair bit older than mine but one of my concerns is how me coming out might impact on them.

Thank you so much for pointing out that there are positives too. I tend to focus on all the negative aspects all the time and really need to stop doing that.

Regards, Steven

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

You're very welcome! I have found happiness I never even realised life contained. Of course, it is not the case that life suddenly becomes easy. My life long susceptibility to anxiety and depression hasn't gone away entirely, but without a doubt I'm in a vastly better place.

When I came out, my kids were 9, 5 1/2 and not-quite-3. My ex wife and I were very much in agreement that we should be up-front (though age appropriate) with the kids, and I think we made the right call (I'll come back to that in a bit). We sat them down and explained (through our tears) that I had decided that it was not right for me to be together with a woman, and if maybe I had another partner in the future it would be a man. I don't think it meant a whole lot to them then, but it laid a foundation. Only my eldest really got the gist, but as the following story suggests, it didn't really sink in.

A few months later, once I was established in an apartment near-by, my eldest asked "Dad, why do you have a double bed?". I replied that the two younger kids often climbed in with me during the night and it would be a bit squashy in a single bed. "Besides," I said, "one day I might have another partner and then I'll want a double bed." He thought for a bit then observed "Well, if you got another partner, and mum got another partner, then I would have a step-mum and a step-dad." I replied "If I have another partner, it will probably be a man." After a pause, during which he was clearly thinking this through he replied "Oh, then I'll have two step-dads."

They don't care that I'm gay. It's only a problem if someone teaches them that it's a problem.

We have had a number of conversations about it over the 4 1/2 years since, and to them it's normal. They've met several of my gay mates, and of course my partner. (We don't live together, but he stays over often.)

The reason I reckon we made the right call, is that anecdotally, the younger the kids, the less of a deal it is. I know several ex-married guys who came out when their kids were in their late teens/early 20s, and it seems that they have a much harder time getting used to the idea. Let me offer a caveat, which is if you decide to come out, let it be for you - because you've decided that is what you need to do. Doing it (or not doing it) "for the sake of the kids" is not a good reason. In my opinion.

Tom.

PS Very happy to answer more questions if you have them.

[Steven1]

Hi again Tom. Thanks very much for replying so promptly and for your words of wisdom. It sounds like you and your ex-wife have done a remarkable job explaining it all to your children. I am glad to hear that they have been so accepting.

My boys are very young (1 and 4) at the moment. So it won't mean anything to them for quite some time but it is still something I have thought a lot about.

With the boys so young I can't bring myself to end my marriage right now. I really don't think my wife would cope on her own (and neither would I). In the same sense I am also aware that it is unhealthy for us to remain together just because it is easier.

It seems like a lose/lose situation. When you split up with your wife how much time did you spend with the kids? Did you just seem them on weekends or how did you work that out? Was your wife working at the time? Sorry to ask all these questions but I can't get my head around all the logistics of it if we split up.

I just keep saying it is easier to just stay where you are....

[DrTom]

These things are certainly complicated! And I'll admit I didn't even think about these things when I came out. It was just what I had to do.

When we first separated I stayed with friends for about 6 weeks while I found a place and stuff. During this time, I went round for dinner most nights and helped tuck the kids in to bed. On one or two of the weekends I took the kids down to stay at my parents place in the country.

Since then we have had a pretty stable routine. I had Friday off every second week, and on that week had the kids from Thursday night through to Monday morning. The other week I just had them Thursday night. It worked out to 5 nights/fortnight which is about 1/3 of the time. But we also established a "date night" thing which is that once a fortnight one of the kids and one parent do a date night, which depending on age and circumstance might mean take-away pizza and a movie, or going out for burgers, or a documentary at IMAX or something. So obviously, if my ex is out with one of the kids, I have the other two. This has been a really good thing for the kids, and various friends have copied the idea, even when both parents are still together.

As I said, I didn't even really think about what would happen after. I just felt like it was the end of my life as I knew it. And kind of, it was. But it was also the start of building a new life, one that is much better than I ever imagined.

I understand about the difficulty of coping on one's own. Definitely the first year or so was very hard going. Still, I had my lovely bestie who I mentioned. He would come and have dinner with us, and help sooth the bumps through the bed-time routine, and listen while I unloaded on him. My parents and my sisters had us over for dinner often (even though my sisters still have some ambivalence about matters-gay, I think), and my ex wife had family and friends looking after her.

Whenever you come out (if you choose to do so), it will be hard, at least for a while. For you. For your wife. For the kids. But as you say, staying is hard too. If you do come out, hopefully the difficulty and pain will represent the start of beating a path though to a happier place. One view to consider is that the sooner you start, the sooner you will all be able to recover and build a new life. Not everyone manages it easily, for sure, and it can take some time to get to a good place, but most people seem to get there.

Tom.