i… i’m deeply sorry, to start off with. i can’t begin to imagine how you might be feeling right now because i’ve never been in a situation vaguely akin to this. again, i’m so sorry i can’t give you any thoughts on coming out or staying in the closet. this is something complex and nuanced that brings up a lot for you and i’m not equipped to swing down a gavel on; i only think i can send you all my sympathy.
but i want you to know this, and i mean it in the nicest way possible; i don’t want you to think i’m punishing you for how you’ve been suffering right now or this is some overbearing advice. here it is - you say you dread the idea of having sex with your fiance, but you’ll do it anyways, and you’d rather suffer than let him think there might be something wrong with you. and i think you should know that you’re allowed to take up space, and you’re not just there for your fiance. i think you should know you don’t have to just barely tolerate things, especially when it comes to sex or relationships.
i know i might sound out-of-touch, lower-your-expectations-a-few, overly sentimental, whatever, but it saved me when i realised i didn’t need to tolerate wanting to die when guys flirt with me. i’m not expecting some epiphany like fireworks from you, but i feel like that’s important to understand. it’s a problem nearly all gay women struggle with - knowing that they’re not just for men’s consumption.
it seems very full-on and raw right now for you; it’s a scary thing if you’re questioning you’re gay. so be kind to yourself, even if it’s impossibly hard - it’s confusing, it’s scary, and the last thing you need is all the hell your brain will give you. and i know this is getting awfully long so i’ll stop it here. i thank you if you did read this and please if you take anything from here let it be this paragraph
