Married with 2 kids but im gay and living a lie

[Steven1]

Hello everyone. This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it. I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but here goes..

I am 31 and been married 5 years and have two children but have been attracted to males since I was 11 years old. Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men.

Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage. I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it's my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me.

I feel sexually frustrated all the time and am constantly wondering what it would be like to be with a guy and explore the fantasies I have had all these years. Then I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this.

My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't begin to imagine the devastating impact on everyone if I came out. The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children. I love them all so much and don't want to hurt them. I can't see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.

I will most likely remain miserable but I don't think I will be happy if I come out either. It will cause waves everywhere and I worry I will lose everyone important in my life. I don't see a solution at all.

[Tony_J]

Hi All,

This is my first post on this forum! I found this thread and can totally relate to Steven's story!

I see there has not been a response for a year. I hope he is well and moving forward. Would be great to hear from him.

T.

[DrTom]

Hi Tony,

Welcome!

Yeah, it's a surprisingly common story: many of us have allowed loyalty to our families and communities to steer our lives. While there's nothing wrong with loving and caring about the values of our families and communities, that has to be weighed against our need to be authentic to ourselves. It's not always an easy balance.

I came out of the closet five and a half years ago, with three small children. Last weekend, I had the joy of going to my ex-wife's wedding and seeing her glowing with joy and happiness as she married a wonderful man. There have been some hard things along the way, but without a doubt, in the long run it has been best for me, and best for her.

I still think that coming out to myself, let alone her, or anyone else, was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Tom.

[Just Sara]

Hey again Dr Tom!

(And hello and welcome Tony J too!)

Just to clarify, I used to call myself Dizzy but it's Just Sara now. 🙂

Great to see you back in fine form on the forum Tom. Wisdom personified! I haven't seen Steven on the threads for ages I'm afraid. Another one of his threads was revamped a week or so ago, but no sign of him as with this one.

Tony...It's been a little over a week since you posted; how are things traveling with you hun? I hope you've seen Tom's post as he gives the best advice! If you're reading instead, know we care and are judgement free with anonymity as our greatest gift.

Anyway, saw the thread and thought I'd pop in.

Cheers...Sara x

[Macka_kenny]

Hi all first time posting so here goes nothing.

I know this is an old tread but I've been reading since it was first posted.

I have a very similar situation, I have been attracted to men since I was around 8 (i didn't realise what it was then).

Going through high school all my friends were girls and I was bullied severely for being gay (even though I hadn't come out and still haven't). All the boys would be sharing their poem magazines and I'd try to join in but never had any interest in the woman.

I hated being bullied so much that I tried to "hide the gay" (i know it sounds silly). I had girlfriends and at age 15 got into a serious relationship. Long story short she fell pregnant less that a year later and my first daughter was born 3 days after my 17th birthday. We both moved out of home into our own house to better raise the kids as a couple. Not too long after she fell pregnant with our second daughter and a month and a half before my 18th I had a second daughter.

2 months ago I proposed to her and we are now engaged. And planing the wedding

The whole time I was trying to convince myself I was straight when I now know I wasnt.

I am filled with guilt hate and resentment towards myself for what I've done to her and our beautiful children. But I've come to a point I can't keep living this lie and it's teating me apart.

To make matters worse she has completely cut her entire family out of her life after years of abuse and tormage and she only has a few friends for support. We've unfortunately had to even take out restraining order against them because of the treats. We are now also in a court battle to protect ourselves and our kids.

I can't keep lying to her and I can't go ahead with this wedding.

We also have a massive financial burden as when she was pregnant with our second she fell extremely I'll and was flown from our local hospital to a larger more capable hospital to save her life. I was told after if she has arrived there even an hour later she would have died. She was in hospital for weeks and I couldn't work as I had to care for our first daughter. Loss of income and medical expenses has dug us into a massive hole of debt.

Im scared if I do come out she'll want to move out (i would completely understand and respect her feeling that way) but she doesn't have anywhere to go and we can barely afford one house let alone 2.

We also fight constantly and I make up excuses but I know it's because I'm gay and am so frustrated I can't let it out

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to our caring community Macka; (or is it Kenny?)

I keep an eye on this thread as you can see above. I identify as Bi and part of the LGBTI+ community too. We have a thread called the Rainbow Café in the BB Social Zone section of the forum. You're most welcome to visit and chat to ease you into getting to know people.

As this thread belongs to Steven, I'm wondering if you could start your own thread? Maybe you could copy and paste your first post instead of writing it again. I'm not trying to cause you difficulties, it's just that you might get a better response if this happens.

It's quite a pickle you've got yourself into, but in saying this, very understandable. You're asking the right questions and have self insight which is great. Kudos!

Being caught between your sexuality and love/empathy for your fiancé must be really awful hun. She's a big part of your life, and you're forever part of your kids lives too, and likely hers due to this.

I realise you don't want to hurt anyone as well as validate your natural self. Unfortunately in these cases, no-one knows how others will respond. It's one step at a time with few expectations till the future exposes itself.

Please; try to avoid the temptation to get caught up with what-if's as it'll put you in a state of confusion and defeat. Taking things one day at a time's more productive while you sort thru priorities.

The above conversations between Steven and Tom would be really helpful too. You said you'd been following this thread, so maybe re-reading it might help support and encourage you.

I'm not experienced with your specific issue, but the guys on the Rainbow Café would be more than happy to lend a hand. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, is it ok if I let them know where you are so they can come to you instead?

Have a ponder and get back to us soon ok.

Be gentle and kind to yourself...

Sez x

[Cal1]

Hi Stephen, I’m wondering if you’re okay and still contactable? How are you now, what’s things been like.i’m asking I am in exactly the same position you were in identical in fact. I’m 30, almost 31, married to my wife and we have to kids a boy and a girl, 4 and 1 year old. I’m scared and don’t know what to do. Every feeling you have described is how I am feeling right now, I haven’t told my wife I’m bi, and I have only told one person which was last night and that was to my auntie who was very kind and understanding. Do you think you made the right decision? I don’t want to only get to see my kids a couple of times a week, I love our family routines. But like your i also want to explore my sexuality with men. I appreciate any insight you might have. Thank you very much.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Cal;

It takes guts to out yourself to anyone whether it's in person as you've done with your aunty, or on this forum. So well done and congrats's on taking the incentive!

This thread of Steven's gets quite a few hits from first time posters like yourself. He hasn't been online for a while, so if you don't receive a response from him, don't be discouraged. Please read my above post and take from it what you will ok. There's great posts to/from others you may find wisdom and relief with too if you scout these two pages.

There's links below for info and many caring people on here to chat with if you're up to it. It may take time for your posts to come thru as newbies are moderated when they first appear for security and appropriateness. I hope you understand. In time it'll change as you post more often.

Our 'Sexuality and Gender Issues' section would be a good place for you to get the ball rolling with your own thread. I'm not sure how many people still visit this one which may delay responses to you.

Take care and be gentle with yourself Cal.. Hope to hear from you soon.

Kind regards;

Sez

[Cal1]

Thanks very much Sez,

I think I will start my own thread 🙂

[Amir87]

Hello

I am 32 and i fell lonely this days cause I am gay and i could not find a real person who wants to have small family and have good relationship...

i don't know what can i do ?! most of the gay people just looking for sex and having fun without any emotional feeling. I am tired of anything. I want to have a husband or partner who loves me who wants to be together without any wrong ways who hates open relationship...

sometime i think it is just a dream. I really need that.