Married with 2 kids but im gay and living a lie

[Steven1]

Hello everyone. This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it. I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but here goes..

I am 31 and been married 5 years and have two children but have been attracted to males since I was 11 years old. Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men.

Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage. I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it's my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me.

I feel sexually frustrated all the time and am constantly wondering what it would be like to be with a guy and explore the fantasies I have had all these years. Then I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this.

My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't begin to imagine the devastating impact on everyone if I came out. The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children. I love them all so much and don't want to hurt them. I can't see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.

I will most likely remain miserable but I don't think I will be happy if I come out either. It will cause waves everywhere and I worry I will lose everyone important in my life. I don't see a solution at all.

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

Haven't heard from you for a bit, so just thought I'd drop a message here to let you know that I've been thinking of you often, and hoping, hoping, hoping you're ok. I'm sure it's tough, probably really tough, but as hard as it might be at the moment, I think you've probably made a good decision in starting to sort out how sexuality works for you.

I hope you're getting some help from your counselling, and you're surviving.

Tom.

[Steven1]

Hi Tom. Thanks for checking up on me. I appreciate your concern. Also thanks to everyone else that has posted too.

Things are horrible at the moment. I'm surviving but I feel like the worst husband and father on the planet. I am putting my wife through so much pain and she doesn't deserve it. I love her dearly. We have been fighting a lot.

I am still so torn and confused. I have accepted I am gay but how can I just walk out on everyone that is important to me. My wife and 2 boys are my 3 favorite people in the world and I just can't lose them. So I just keep saying pull yourself together and get over it.

The second counselling session wasn't helpful. He saw my wife and I separately. Her for 45 mins and me for about 15. I can't say it really achieved anything.

I am devastated but cannot cry. My wife thinks I don't care about what is happening because I haven't cried. I told her I can't. I am numb. I don't know what I am doing anymore

[Just Sara]

Good morning Steven;

Your post is heart breaking and indeed seems as if you feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

I'd like to reiterate something I wrote on this thread; "You can't take on responsibility for both of you" and "The back and forth thing of 'will I or won't I' only prolongs the pain; for her and for you" Being in 2 minds rips people apart. What I'm talking about is your willingness to think about everyone else before you.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is a thing of the past, and rightly so. It's better to be happy apart than to show resentment, guilt and shame from within the boundaries of your home in front of your two children.

The issue of the breakdown of your family is separate from 'coming out'. Obviously they do merge, this is evident. But finally admitting your 'secret' to yourself and the world, is a Right of Passage. It's your 'coming of age' moment in time and the importance of this seems to be lost among feelings of "It's all my fault"

I'd like to share with you a moment in my life; when I was 11 my father snuck into my room late at night and raped me. The trauma of this was held in secret until my son was 3 yrs old - I was 33. Seeing my son sitting on his lap and asking if he could take my little boy for a walk alone, snapped my brain into reality. After mind numbing emotional torment, I finally came out with my secret to my family and told him to his face I didn't want anything more to do with him.

This was the best decision of my life, even though my family put me through hell and to date have never once said to me; "It must've been awful, you were just a little girl" It was all about them and their inability to cope with the truth. My mother didn't talk to me for nearly 2 yrs and 2 of my 3 sisters still have a normal relationship with our father 20 yrs later. But for me? I'm free!!

What I'm explaining to you Steven, is that at the time things seem out of control, but this is expected. Being true to yourself no matter how others respond is the only way forward. Get yourself a fresh psychologist and a phone service specialising in Gay and Lesbian counselling, and surround yourself with men who 'get it'. You deserve this.

One day at a time ok? Good luck...Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

Just an addit to my previous post; crying for men can sometimes be difficult. Sadness and grief is expressed in this way. Anger on the other hand, which is what you seem to be avoiding, is dealt with by physical means. Going to the gym and attacking a punching bag with gusto is a must for anyone attempting to rid themselves of this type of confusion. You may even find you burst into tears afterwards.

...Dizzy x

[Paul]

Hey Steven,

Sometimes things get worse before they get better. I think this is the bottom of the worse part and things will get better soon.

GAMMA - Gay and Married Men's Association in NSW will be able to point you in the right direction if that's not the state you live in. There are many kind guys who have been in the same situation as yourself - such as Tom.

The feelings you describe of numbness and inability to cry are usually our own "Shields up" defence to prevent being completely overwhelmed to the point of not being able to function at all.

Take care Steven I get the feeling you're a pretty sensitive guy and that can lead to neglecting your own health and wellbeing. Please try to stay kind and nurturing to yourself.

Paul

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

Thanks for letting us know you're hanging in there. It's sad that you and your wife are finding it excruciatingly hard, even if it isn't surprising. Of course you care about her, as well as your kids. I bet you've spent many lonely nights awake wrestling with yourself - wanting to be a good dad and a good husband. I know I did.

The difficulty that you are confronted with, as was I, and so many others, is that you can be a depressed, conflicted and confused man, or you can work toward becoming a more sorted, happy and confident man. Most of us, in the ex-married boat still are very involved as fathers. I have my kids a little less than half the time, some have them every weekend, some week-about, and many other arrangements. If you sort through your issues, it is likely you'll be an awesome dad, and your boys will grow up to respect your courage and honesty in confronting your demons.

Of course it is hard for your wife, and of course it is hard to see her in agony. I hope in time (and it may take months or years), she will come to see that it was not her fault, nor indeed yours, that you happen to be gay, but have grown up in a context that didn't enable you to come out sooner. But whether she does or not, it is true. You are not a bad person. You are a decent person in a difficult position.

It sounds from here like some counseling from specialist gay friendly service would be really helpful if you can arrange it. You don't go to a foot surgeon if you need your tonsils out, and it is no ill reflection on the counselor you've seen if he is not experienced in helping someone in your situation.

Don't beat yourself up about crying or not crying. You're surviving. That is the main thing. I had ups and downs in that regard for many months. If you're anything like me, it's when the pressure comes off a bit, that the tears come. But don't sweat it.

Let me say again: I'm sure you are a decent man, in a difficult situation. You can't make everyone happy, but if you want to be a decent man and a good dad, you will need to sort your shit. It won't sort itself, and it isn't a comfortable thing to do, but by doing so, you have the opportunity to make your life better, and that will be a good thing for your boys.

It's hard. It's no fun in the short term. I feel aches remembering, but I am confident it will get better.

Please stay in touch, so we can do our best to encourage you through the journey.

Tom.

[Steven1]

Hi everyone. What a week it has been. Undoubtedly the hardest week of my life. It doesn't seem real at the moment. I am still wondering if I have made the right decision. I guess time will tell.

On Thursday my wife and I made the decision to separate. I have moved out and come out to my parents and my sister. My wife has also told her parents and some of our friends. I must say I am really surprised by how supportive my parents have been! Telling them was the most terrifying moment of my life. Their reaction was not what I expected. They have been great and told me they still love me no matter what and that I should have come out years ago. I wish I had done...

I miss my two sons like crazy. Being apart from them is by far the hardest part of all of this. I also miss my gorgeous wife and feel awful about the pain she is going through at the moment. I am hoping that things will get a little bit easier in time, but I know we still have a long way to go.

There is a lot I could write but I will keep in touch and let you know how it is all going again soon.

Steven

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

Great to hear from you. I'm really glad to hear that your parents are supportive. Right now you need supportive people. Of course you feel the things you do - they're entirely natural, and it would be surprising if you didn't. I hope you've been able to organise to spend some regular time with your boys - that would be good for you and good for them.

I hope you will find, as I did, that not being in each others face the whole time, gives you space to think things through with a bit more clarity. I hope your wife will come to see that your decisions through life are not because you're some kind of nasty manipulative person, but because you were doing your best to navigate through the various conflicting pressures as best you could. And you should remind yourself of that. It is really evident from your posts that you care deeply about her and your boys, and you've done what you have because in the long term it is the right thing to do, even if the short term is messy and painful.

One thing that I'm hesitating to bring up, but should mention is that many guys in our situation are inclined to deal with some aspects of separation and divorce in ways they regret later. In particular, because we care about our [ex] wife, and often feel guilty about the situation, many guys agree to an inequitable financial settlement, which they then regret later. This doesn't at all mean that they should instead be aggressive and grab as much as they can. "Equitable" is the key. You will both need to be able to deal with one another for many years to come because of the kids, so it is important that a settlement be an ok compromise that neither of you resent agreeing to later. I know you're probably well before that stage, but I thought it important to flag it, because it's something you will have to think about carefully, and some time pondering it will be helpful.

I hope talking with your parents is helpful for you. Perhaps even more than talking to a counsellor. After all - they know you and love you, and will want to understand something of what is going on for you. I know talking with my parents has been a really valuable thing for me, even though the conversations have been a bit weird at times.

It's good to hear that things are evolving for you. I don't doubt that there will be tough periods to go through yet, but I really think you're on the right road now.

Stay in touch!

Tom.

[Just Sara]

Wow! What courage Steven!

What a powerful post. You've come so far since you started this thread. Proud of you..and how!

Getting secrets out to parents, no matter what the issue, is excruciatingly gut wrenching. Talking to your wife and her family, to friends and so on, are acts of great self realisation/determination.

Your 'right of passage' and 'coming of age' has become real. Moving into a life of openness and self truth is amazing. Kudos! No regrets eh...should'a and could'a doesn't matter. You're here now. I'm so happy for you that your parents took it so well. I'd imagine the relief you felt was immeasurable.

Tom is a wealth of practical advice; he's a legend! He's relevant and straight to the point; I love this. I wish I'd had wonderful advice like this in my past. No regrets though.

I wish you well Steven. You're doing it!

...Dizzy x

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

No essay this time. Just a short note to say I'm thinking of you, and hope with the support of your parents you are keeping your head above water. It's a hard slog, but the freedom of being yourself and not having to hide is worth it!

Tom.