Married with 2 kids but im gay and living a lie

[Steven1]

Hello everyone. This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it. I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but here goes..

I am 31 and been married 5 years and have two children but have been attracted to males since I was 11 years old. Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men.

Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage. I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it's my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me.

I feel sexually frustrated all the time and am constantly wondering what it would be like to be with a guy and explore the fantasies I have had all these years. Then I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this.

My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't begin to imagine the devastating impact on everyone if I came out. The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children. I love them all so much and don't want to hurt them. I can't see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.

I will most likely remain miserable but I don't think I will be happy if I come out either. It will cause waves everywhere and I worry I will lose everyone important in my life. I don't see a solution at all.

[Paul]

Hey Steven, Welcome back. Thanks heaps for sharing your burden with us, as I think you and I have chatted about in the past it really helps to talk about how your feeling.

Coming to terms with something that is difficult within ourselves can be made even more difficult by projecting what might happen in the future. Obviously there are considerations that need to be made about the impact on others, but lots of things can simply be put down the list a fair way to deal with at a later date.

I like how succinct you were in explaining your attraction, when it started and your fears about impact on family. That's certainly a massive step and probably one that had you shaking in your boots for a while before and as you wrote your feelings. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Where to from here is naturally a very personal thing but the universal part is that a shout out from the roof tops isn't the way to go. Quite the opposite. Small steps within yourself, some understanding, some strength and of course help from us here. No rules say that you have to live your life out in misery, no rules say that to explore who you are safely within yourself that you will leave a trail of devastation either. Please be aware that I really mean within yourself and not externally explore, for example an encounter. This of course is up to you, however let's chat about you first and run through a few things before even thinking about external things, coming out, ripples, impacts and all of the things that frighten the hell out of us.

Can you tell me more about being depressed? what does it feel like and how long have you felt like this?

Steven, this might be an ongoing chat we have and it might go on for a bit but I'm certainly happy to chat with you about what's happening and talk about how you're feeling. It's safe and anonymous here and those of us who have a rainbow bus next to our name on the left are members of the GLBTIQ community and really do understand how tough things are.

Let's tackle it together and explore gently without having do make any decisions or tell anyone.

What do you think?

Paul

[Steven1]

Hello Paul that sounds like a good plan. Thanks for your support. By the way I love the picture of the cat. Yours?

My depression started around 2012 when my first son was born. I have found it very difficult adapting to having children. I am constantly tired, irritable, lethargic and have lost interest in most things. I think about death and dying a lot and feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

As I have mentioned in other threads my life has become dull, boring and monotonous. I am going through the motions and am existing rather than living.

My relationship with my wife is not what it used to be. We are like friends rather than lovers. We don't talk like we used to. Our sex life is limited. My sexuality probably has a lot to do with that.

Strangely enough my wife knows that I am attracted to men but doesn't take it seriously. She thinks it's just a weird kinky thing. I told her years ago when I found her reading an old diary of mine. I was furious she invaded my privacy and ended up telling her because she wanted to know what was in there.

It's complicated Paul ! Hope I am making sense and not rambling on..

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[Paul]

Hey Steven,

Nice to see you again.

Yes, that's my cat Maggie - she thinks she is a meerkat and stands like that on the doors on my balcony. She's the source of many giggles.

Just so I can make sure I understand - Your depression started when your first son was born, the depression feels like constant tiredness, lethargy, thoughts of death and dying, just existing, nothing is exciting anymore, it's dull, boring and monotonous. That's a whole lot of crap to carry around - most of us here on the beyond blue forums understand what it's like. Its difficult and it feels like there is no solution. Luckily there are solutions and as we chatted about before - we'll find them.

I usually talk about a multiple angle approach to dealing with depression and I think that's what we should look at. You mentioned thoughts of death and dying - they can be frightening. I know when I have had them I am left wondering where the hell they came from. My little sister actually kicked my arse and said I needed to do something or she would fly to where I am and drag me.

I think a better way of explaining that - which is one the many approaches for treating depression is to visit your GP or find a GP you haven't been to if you are concerned that they are the family GP and have a chat. You don't need to explain your sexuality to them simply tell them how you are feeling.

That's one of the multiple approaches where most of us go to start getting well. I really do urge you to consider a GP visit very soon. Thoughts of death and dying that accompany the other feelings you describe are never pleasant and I think you'll find some initial relief with a Dr.

The next approach which I think we should step through a bit slower is talking about the change in how you felt when your son was born. In talking about this you might feel some guilt or discomfort but please know from when we chatted a few months ago, I know you're a great dad, so nothing about that is in question. Nothing at all! It's all about how you're feeling. Let's make a pact. I won't judge anything you say but you're not allowed to either. deal?

There is a Beyond Blue help line that is available 24 hours a day. You are welcome and encouraged to use it if you need to and if you have thoughts of death or dying or anything like suicide, you must call the folks on that number, they WILL help.

Till next time. keep holding on Steven things will get better.

Paul

[Steven1]

I'm not sure how this thread ended up in this section. I suppose because I mentioned death. I still think it should be where it was initially but never mind.

I do have a gp and am on an antidepressant but I don't think it is doing very much. I'm thinking of coming off it. Might try and find a new doctor as my current one keeps brushing me off.

Having children is a huge change and I'm not sure I was ready for it. Given that I feel like I would be more suited to a same sex relationship I probably shouldn't have had kids. This could be very confusing for them down the track if I do eventually come out or end my marriage. But I love them dearly and still believe I can be s good father if they want me.

[Paul]

Hey Steven,

Our moderators will move any posts that mention thoughts of death or suicide to this forum. It's an automatic safety thing. No cause for alarm and we can move our discussion back to the sexuality section if/when we get into depth about sexuality issues. - Is this OK with you?

I reckon your suggestion of finding a GP who you feel more comfortable with is a great idea. Can you keep me updated with how that goes? I found it REALLY helpful when I found a Dr that I could relate to and could feel comfortable with. I have absolutely no trouble telling people about myself, but I think it's like any type of friendship or relationship or mateship or even an interaction with a colleague - there will be people we are comfortable with and feel a rapport and those who we just don't. I've found an awesome GP and a great psychiatrist and they are phenomenally helpful.

Having kids is a HUGE change! I was present at the birth of my nephew (my sister's son) and there for the first week. The changes I observed in her and her husband were astounding, there's so much to learn and do and so much bloody sleep to miss out on! The thing was that my sis said even though she read books (4,000 of them she is a bloody bookworm) I don't think anyone is really ready for kids. But as you say, you love them dearly and I know man dads who are gay who love their kids just the same as anyone else and the kids are amazing as well.

Let's run a scenario - Imagine you ARE in a same sex relationship and you had kids (by whatever means) with your partner. What would be different? Can you step me through? I know this doesn't exactly address your situation but I think it might help to step through.

The last paragraph you wrote conveys some pretty strong emotions - I really sense them and understand the upset. I'd like to talk more about the last paragraph next time we write after we walk through your walk through of the scenario I gave.

Until then, keep well Steven.

Paul

[Steven1]

Hi Paul. It has taken me a while to reply as the last few days have been pretty hectic. I understand what you are saying about why the post has ended up in this section.

I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to families. I see a family as a mum, a dad and kids. I believe in kids having a man and a woman as their parents. That is how I was brought up and they are the values my family have instilled in me I guess. I don't have anything against same sex couples having kids but it just seems unfair on the kids to me. I worry about them getting teased and bullied by other kids. School children can be very cruel.. especially when it comes to homosexuality. I worry about all of these things.

In terms of finding a new doctor I know I need to but keep putting it off. I never feel comfortable with doctors. They make me feel anxious. Don't know why. I also don't like talking about my mental health or personal issues with strangers so that is going to be tough..

[Paul]

Hey Steven,

Family values are something that is precious to us all and no one can dictate how you should raise your kids a health professional will NOT do this.

Just on your last paragraph - aren't I a stranger?

I understand and respect that you don't like to talk to strangers about how you feel. Please keep in mind that any professional you talk to is bound by law and ethics to maintain complete secrecy. When you visit, they are going to be focussing on your mental health and ensuring you are OK, they may perhaps talk about how to manage some of the emotions that are flying around inside and also the emotions that used to fly around inside. You can choose the time to tell them you are gay, perhaps that might be after a few visits and you feel comfortable with them and they aren't a stranger anymore.

What are your thoughts Steven?

Take Care

Paul

[Steven1]

Thanks Paul. Yes you are a stranger, but it is easy divulging personal information behind a computer screen. I will never see you and you will never see me. It is far more difficult in person.

[Paul]

Hey Steven,

I agree - it is easier behind a screen.

Can you tell me what you'd like to gain from the forums here at Beyond Blue so we can help you achieve what you need to feel well again?

Paul