Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

[Tired_of_being]

I guess my title says it all.

My husband, best friend and person I knew has finally faced up to years of cheating. While floored by the betrayal of monogamy and the trust issues, I want to know how I can help him. This is doing my head in. I don’t care about the sexuality, but the lies and hurt he has caused has stripped my confidence and self worth to 0.

We live in small country area and he is widely known (also all his mates know as he has tried it on with some of them). He keeps saying he loves me and wants to stay married, we don’t have sex or intimacy. But he has cheated with only men and our gay friend believe he is gay not bi.

Ive looked for somewhere to be supported and help my husband through this. I know our marriage is ended, but this should not have to end badly. How can I help him, while ensuring my anger at the betrayal of trust is reined in?

We are both around 50, kids, etc.

[Tired_of_being]

Hi again. After my first post, being supportive, optimistic and friends. Things have turned into a horror movie. After my posts....we had sex a couple of times (he’s bi), he stopped to talking to me, unless it was to tell me to stop arguing. Then he spent about 3 months moving in and out of my bed. A night alone and then back to my bed. This totally screwed with my head...I kept thinking, he is bi, ok we can work with this, maybe we can un marry civil or just see what happens. BUT this changed. New year he begged me to go with him to his parents for family get together. He told his parents we had made up, then got home and “ended it” for the 40th time, moved into back room, set up Grindr like site, used sons mobile to access this.

I confronted him, he denied, told me I hacked account and any other excuse. While we did this he got son to video this. In the morning he was sad, but I could not touch him, years of dishonesty and lies. Physical, emotional and financial abuse that I hoped he would work through with me, I thought he loved me, even if we were not be together. I thought he respected me, even if he did not love me.

our daughter found out, blames me for this and told me I was horrible in the worst ways possitble ( by phone). A day later I tried to suicide. 

So, after taking all the time to find help, he spends all hi time chatting and going to men’s places ........does not want to be home or take time out to be with his son. So uhhhh.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Sorry to be so striaght down the line TOB, but I think if it is at all possible you need to move out ASAP. It's turned toxic now for your mental health & bi or not bi, he is behaving cruelly and it is pushing you to the brink. Your self esteem was at 0 months ago and it's only got worse. You deserve so much more than this, and you can find love with someone else.

I understand what it feels like to be used and left in the dust like a fool. I was told that the women I loved had separated from her husband, that she has never loved him, that she has been miserable for years and that it was a business marriage centred around their careers. All it was was lies she spun me, and their built up resentment festered over years, because from day 1 of their relationship they have had intimacy problems. I was the temporary plug to their intimacy problems. But what I've realised is that the people that do that, don't even care. They don't even think about you. They're self focused and have always been self focused, and while I thought she was different to her husband, I have realised they think the same way and are built the same. That's why they were drawn to one another. I did not even receive a lousy text message saying I am sorry. She had the nerve to say I instigated the end of our romance, when really, I did what she was about to do anyway, I could see it.

I'm a once bitten twice shy kind of person and don't bounce back very easily, so I understand struggling and the deep hurt you're feeling. Her timing could not have been worse. I met her when my spirit was completely broken anyway and she kicked it to the curb and spat on it. I think you are there too.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think your husband sounds really self centred. My friend was telling me how her beloved partner was burnt before she met her. I have named ppl like this iSexual. They are inherently selfish ppl, generally not affectionate or warm, not particularly interested in intimacy at all, but don't give a damn if its a women or a man they're dating, as long as it is one or the other with the fattest wallet, the nicest house, the flashiest car. She essenitially faked being bisexual to ensure she got the most money. She was not into women at all. She was a gold digger. the i i i i me me me me....iSexual. How on earth you could do that to a person is beyond me. I would separate & leave these questions for him to sort out. He is an adult.

You're torturing yourself & you deserve better.

[Croix]

Dear Tired of Being~

Please pardon me for coming late to your thread, however reading though it I see an honest and caring person being driven so far as to want to kill herself. You wanted you temper under control, you wanted to help your then partner, you were human, considerate and kind.

Sadly it was not a two way thing. I'm not talking abut his sexual disposition, I'm talking about kindness, consideration and trying to make life as good for the other as circumstances allow. None of these have been shown by your ex partner who has simply followed his own inclinations, no matter how hurt you are as a result, or how much his actions poison your childrens' attitudes.

If it was me I'd not let the association continue. He needs to be ejected from your life. You have enough greif, loss and self doubt without him twisting your emotions all the time with off again on again, or blatantly seeking assignations.

As many have told you trying to deal with this by yourself is terribly hard. Can I suggest you seek medical help (and please don't minimize the harm or trying to take your life) and also an organization that is used to the disasters under which families end: Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) would be good.

For those times of despair the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) is knowledgeable, professional, understanding and can be a comfort.

Excuse me rattling off phone numbers, they are there for you and contacting them is both expected and no bit deal.

Being in isolation is a hard way to cope, may I ask if you have any family or freinds who care abut you and want to help?

You mentioned anger. For me anger has lent me strength to continue and behave in ways I thought I was incapable. It is often good.

I would like it if you came back and talked some more. You deserve so much more out of life

Croix

[Tired_of_being]

Thanks for the support. This journey has been a lonely one, as I dont know if anyone who is not/has not been in this position really can feel the mixed emotions i have.

Since posting I have kicked him out- it needed police to remove him as he was so sure he could use the 'marriage' for image and 'separated' status to allow him free rein on his responsibility to family and respecting sharing a home with some one. He refused to move his clothes out of walk in robe, kept using the ensuite and even walking in underwear to get his clothes - basically giving up nothing of personal space of marriage.

After finding his Badoo account that was sending notifications to our sons phone, me finding pictures of sexual acts- I was shattered. I knew he would be having sex, but I dont want to know about any sex -of any person/s. So after being told it was my fault by child - i was in a very dark place. I nearly succeeded in endingt it.

He knew what I had done. But it did not work - i was unconscious for about 12 hours, I only remember him holding me by arm, my nose feeling like breaking and blood and pain. Never at any point did he call 000, only our adult daughter to say i should be committed, son was begging to call 000.

Later I finally sought just a hug, i was so low- and the bastard tried to be initmate with me. So angry. He can do whatever with complete strangers, 'separate', but still think he is entitled to intimate contact.

After finally seeing he just did not care ( i am so stupid) I started protecting home loan and finances- yep he did not want to do this.I did this as he threatened to take all his wage out (leaving my money in home loan and no money for house bills.

He moved out with 1500, but still not enough - so Police called as he is violent.

I cannot believe I tried to save him, support him and even thought we could get through this as friends.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

As awful as it is, and how it went down, he has done you a big favour moving out. I hope he moves on, and far away. You have to prioritise your mental health now. His disregard for your safety after an attempt...is beyond words to me. Beyond what is to be human, in fact. I find that disturbing - but not uncommon.

Can I be frank with you. I think that you are at high risk of returning to the relationship.

"I cannot believe I tried to save him".

I am concerned that this has been one of the central features of how you relate to one another, and you may struggle to let go of that role as his saviour. And that it continues to reel you back in. It can be a very powerful psychological bait, and his personlaity, once upon a time, would have charmed you.

You must be wondering to yourself the extent of his lies. How far do they go. It sounds like they can be pretty out there, and there isn't one area of his life that hasn't been lied about.

If I was you what would hurt the most wouldn't be that he is a closeted gay anymore, now its gone this far. What would hurt the most is that even on the most basic level - he does not respect you, and probably never has.

He sounds very opportunistic. And that he uses the hetero -married -with-kids shield to hide not only his sexuality, but other sides of him too - all for personal self centred, gain. It must be devastating to realise you could have chosen to be with someone like that, but in general, it is once they are inside an intimate relationship that the mask comes off. I promise you, you are not a fool, but he no doubt makes you feel like one.

I have had a lesbian friend in a similar situation to you in a gay relationship and a straight friend too. They came to mind the other day when I was I reading an article in The Guardian about Alex Skeel and his girlfriends coercive control. I think that you are at risk of turning the blame on yourself, and I would urge you to seek therapy. If the law was involved its probably going to be a drawn out process. You will need support for a few years I think.

He has used you in ever way imaginable, and broken more than your heart. But in leaving, he has done you a favour. Given time, you will see that. And that knee jerk reaction to constantly save him, will turn into a desire to put your energies into yourself, once you regain some self respect.

It's a long painful journey. I wish you well.

[Tired_of_being]

Thanks everyone. I am not every going back -(Taylor Swift). It was hard in the beginning, but now the past is revealing itself.

He has been with guys since, well he never stopped. He just put a marriage into the picture to hide himself. I really feel sorry for him - but I am so disgusted at his treatment of me. I cant fathom why he would hide who he really is - he has missed out on real relationships with men. He would have been truly happy. instead of angry and self destructive.

If anything can be learnt from my horrendous experience- Please be yourself. People do not care if you are gay, straight, bi or any of the other labels. First and foremost you are yourself. The only people who judge are not worth your time. If your wife,husband, partner or kids have a problem with your sexuality - it is there problem. They will either get over it or not. You can be happy without them, My daughter blames me for her parents (not sure I made his lie to me) . I don't care about the sexuality - but the lies and blame on me are the deal breakers.

So, make sure you are true to yourself. Everyone is here for you. You don't celebrate alone, so don't try to get through the rough spots alone. Reach out and you will find so many good people. Thank you everyone.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Sorry to read that your daughter blames you. It will take time. Once she's older, and the divorce has gone through and there's been some time, she will look back with more clarity, and see that, that is an unfair judgment. Children often side with the dominant parent, male or female, if they are aggressive and intimidating. That is a very common dynamic.

I can sense that you're looking back not so much with regret as such, but a little bewildered that all this hurt could have been avoided, if he'd just been comfortable with who is was, by you saying : If anything can be learnt from my horrendous experience- Please be yourself.

Some people find that easier than others. The reality is that some of society may appear to be accepting of LGBTI, but huge sections haven't. %70 of people in Parramatta, the new CBD of Sydney, voted no in the ME vote. I was on a crowded bus the other day, and that bus route goes past High Schools that claim to have the smartest teenagers in NSW. So they say. The 'F" word with 2 'G's in it was being used as an insult to other teenagers..........being different isn't easy.

To be honest Tired of Being, Gay, Straight, Bi, Pink, Purple or Green........he's not a nice person. You're better off without him.

Once you get your self respect back, you will see that.

I'm sure you're a fun, smart, attractive, curious women, you deserve that to be reflected back to you with another bloke that respects you, and makes you feel desired and wanted.

The financial and legal side of things will be really stressful. You need your own living space and privacy but even more, safety and security. I hope you find it.

Def

[Ruby__2]

Hey Def!

I am sorry it has taken a while to reply.I do appreciate your insight and it has helped greatly. We are still at a point of acceptance.

I don't know whether I am being a fool,but regardless of intimacy, I can't imagine my life without him.Its like he divulged his secret and then decided, nah I'm actually bi?

Am I too forgiving? I honestly still love him.He is doing well with his health,so that helps.He seems to be trying to rekindle the romance with me.

We have separated, but still live together.I have protected myself financially, but I really don't know where it will lead.Heartache or what???.Answers not asked for or expected, just input and ideas.

Thanks for listening.

Ruby 2

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi Ruby2,

You haven't divulged what you're husbands coming out story was, or how you found out. Did he meet someone? have casual encounters and you found out, or were there problems in the bedroom and the conversation got rolling from there. I''m not sure what same sex experiences he has had.

I just think that him trying to brush it off, and tell you that he wasn't going to end a 40 year marriage for a 'sex act' was a bit of a cop out. Sorry to be harsh to your husband. I really feel for him with his breakdown. I've had several myself, coming to terms with a very dark childhood, and like him I was in hospital for about 6 weeks. They are tough things to recover from, you are wracked with shame.

But seriously, you're a smart lady, if that was me, I'd be pretty cranky and just be like, "don't insult my emotional intelligence buddy" it just seems like his body and mind has responded very severely to what he now says, is bisexuality. Has it really been tested? I mean has he been with a man where there is the physical, but also the emotional closeness and connection. Because sometimes life can surprise you, and someone will fall out of the sky, and test his theory of a 'sex act'. It would be so awful if you had to relive this all over again in 2 years time, once you'd helped him get on his feet and recover from his breakdown. I just think that curiosity will get the best of him, or depression, and he will seek release exploring with men online or out in the world.

I guess its up to you guys to have the tough talks, of is it an open relationship etc, can you trust him.

There's a reason why your husband has stayed coseted for so many years. I guess if I was you Ruby that is what would keep me up at night. I would wonder to myself, is he with me because it's safe, known and he can have the best of both worlds, shielded behind a hetero marriage. Of course he doesn't want to leave the marriage, or he would have had the strength to face his sexuality decades ago.

But at the end of the day these are his problems. I'm sure he is your best friend, but you are not his mother. I guess you have to ask yourself will you resent him years later, and will this subconscioulsy eat away at your confidence and self esteem knowing that he could be fantasising about men from the safety of suburban respectability.

Really tough Q's Ruby. You need some nights out with some friends and a few wines without him.

Def

[Tired_of_being]

Hi Ruby & everyone

Living with a partner who is gay/bi is not an easy prospect. I think that since you have been lied to - you will ultimately be afraid that he will do this again. In my case, the distance was gradual until I was not part of a couple. He needed me to be his 'marriage & kids', but did not really need me. Any other female would have filled this position.

Negatives of staying-

He kept me from having'real' relationships. If he was truthful to you earlier, I would have had the confidence to find another partner to share my joy of life.

Living this half life is like donating your life to him, with no 'prize' for being the faithful wife.

I was living a half life, planning a retirement and the whole future with him.

I was being starved of love and all that entailed. While he was just enjoying having everything - Baboo, nightly hook ups, some one to keep house, sneaky relationships with his boyfriends and having the chance to crack on to my friends boyfriends.

I now have to do more STI checks. I have been putting this off as I am scared of the amount of people he has been with in the last year (about 50-100).

No matter how much you try to save him - help him through it, he is the one that must want to do it. Get him talking to some others - counsellors and people who can really help him.

Sorry to be harsh, but long term you have to look at what is best for you. I have been working with professionals to deal with the negative feelings about myself. ?Why me? Maybe I can save this and have my husband back- even if it means that i dont have sex.......I compromised and so did he.