Been with a man for 7.5 years but Think I'm into girls

Hawken · ‎09-09-2019

I've been with a man for 7.5 years now. We have 4 children together and over the last few years I've lost all attraction to him. I obviously live him and can't tell him this because I'm so scared I'll hurt him. I picture myself with women, sex is horrible because I don't enjoy it, it feels obligatory. I've never been with a woman other than a date kiss in high school. I'm 26 and always just assumed I was straight but now I don't think so. What do I do? How do I know? How do I bring it up with him?

Birdy77 · ‎10-09-2019

Hello Hawken,

You're in a tricky spot, you love the father of your children but have lost all attraction to him and want to be with a woman and you don't want to hurt him.

A friend of mine was in a very similar situation a few years ago, she had been with her man since highschool, they had 4 kids, but she just didn't love him in the same way anymore and knew she wanted to explore her sexuality.

In the end she just had to gently discuss it with him, told him she wanted to separate but remain friends ... it was really hard, but 5 years down the track they are both happier, they are good friends, they co- parent well together, and although my friend hasn't found her special lady, she has found herself and her identity as a lesbian.

There are other ways i guess, some people are able to stay living together without being sexual partners, and exploring their sexuality outside the partnership, but that certainly can be tricky and it's not for everyone.

Does your partner know that you are not really into the sexual side of things anymore?

You asked how will you know? I guess the answer is by getting out there and experiencing things and exploring who you are.

I am glad you've come here for some support. Happy to talk more with you whenever you like.

🌻birdy

Hawken · ‎10-09-2019

No I haven't discussed any Of it with him. I broke up with him in the initial stayed of our relationship and he just couldn't take it. He is suicidal and I'm So scared for his own mental health if I do discuss it with him. I love him, So much. But definitely not like I used to. I can't see my life without him but more like a best friend sort of way.

Birdy77 · ‎11-09-2019

Hello again Hawken,

I'm so sorry to hear your partner is not feeling mentally well. Does he have any support like a psychologist or counsellor?

How would you like the future to look, taking into account your love for your man? Are there some situations you can picture yourself being happy, and the possibility of him being happy too?

If you wanted to talk through your dilemma with a counsellor who really understands these issues there is a website called qlife.org.au you might want to check it out sometime, there are lots of different resources you can access through them.

There are some other threads here in this section on the beyondblue forums that members have shared their stories about being married, had kids, and then realising they weren't being true to themselves and needing to explore their sexuality, it may help you to read through some of them, if you felt like it.

How are you feeling, are you feeling ok?

🌻birdy