Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

[Tired_of_being]

I guess my title says it all.

My husband, best friend and person I knew has finally faced up to years of cheating. While floored by the betrayal of monogamy and the trust issues, I want to know how I can help him. This is doing my head in. I don’t care about the sexuality, but the lies and hurt he has caused has stripped my confidence and self worth to 0.

We live in small country area and he is widely known (also all his mates know as he has tried it on with some of them). He keeps saying he loves me and wants to stay married, we don’t have sex or intimacy. But he has cheated with only men and our gay friend believe he is gay not bi.

Ive looked for somewhere to be supported and help my husband through this. I know our marriage is ended, but this should not have to end badly. How can I help him, while ensuring my anger at the betrayal of trust is reined in?

We are both around 50, kids, etc.

[Ruby__2]

Hi Tired of being,

Welcome to the forums and I hope you find some solace here.

I think I can relate to your feelings of trust.My husband of the 32yrs has recently "come out" after much angst to all involved.He is my best friend but I do feel betrayed. I thought I knew him so well.

I (we) have decided to divorce amicably.This is not where I expected to be at 56.I have sought the help of a psychologist and while we remain living in the same househe knows it won't be forever.

It is extremely difficult but you are in a situation not of your choosing. I have returned to work after18yrs and while I do still love him,I have decided life is too short to not set boundaries and move on. Your children will respect you for it and you will to.

I encourage you to seek help with dealing with this situation. You don't have to go it all by yourself.

Having said this,anger is a huge feeling.I too am torn between anger and sorrow. Be the better person,keep your dignity intact,remain friends.At some point our husbands will realise, but I believe there's no going back.Keep strong.It is your time now.

Ruby 2

[Tired_of_being]

Thank you Ruby. This is such an emotional isssue, made worse because he keeps avoiding the truth. All his cheating is with men. He does not plan it, it just happens. There have not been any women, so this kind of makes it easier than if I was cheated on with another woman.

We are going to do counselling, but he has chosen one that is nearly 2 hrs away on the other side of Melbourne. Is this a way of avoiding doing it? I know I am asking stupid questions, but I keep trying to find a reason why the man I love is doing this.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tired of being, you sound like a beautiful person - please take a moment to acknowledge that.

I am male, 47, married for 20 years and 3 mths ago I came out to my beautiful wife. You sound awesome just like her. She was more worried about my mental health than herself. I never cheated on her, so I guess that is the biggest difference here.

The fact that you are supporting him just proves how great you are. I wouldn't worry about the distance - better to go than not at all. My psychologist was in Preston, and I live eastern suburbs - so about an hour, and when my wife and I went it actually gave us time to chat in the car, in both directions.

Be honest with him, but try and remain composed if you can. Like ruby said, you are in a situation not of your choosing, and though you may understand that he may not have had a choice (like me) when he was younger to accept being gay, he does have a choice in what he does whilst still being with you.

The counsellor will try and help him realise what he is doing to you.

It may also help you to contact an organisation called QLIFE - google them. they are a LGBT peer counselling service for LGBT people and their friends. They may also be able to offer some advice, and perhaps a counsellor that is gay themselves and can provide your husband with clarity.

I'm still living with my wife and kids, I bought a 2 bedroom unit close by (with her help all the way), the settlement is 2/nov so will be moving out around then. Whilst I have joined some LGBT groups to get my head around things, I will not pursue anything until I'm comfortable that I am in no way hurting my beautiful wife. Really, I think it will be many years for me - it just terrifies me!

Try and remain positive, I thank you for being an awesome woman to your obviously confused husband.

take care.

Darren

[Ruby__2]

Dear Tired of Being,

Darren has offered some great advice and tips to follow. It's also good to look at a gay spouse's perspective.It is difficult for them and after being with someone for so long,you do want to help and achieve a good outcome for all.Others who have not experienced this may not understand how you can still stand by,but true love accepts.You seem to have this for your husband,but in order for him to help you he has to first accept himself.Mine ended up in a psychiatric unit for 2 months before he could tell me.

It will take a lot of work,but I hold on to the fact that while we won't be lovers we will remain friends.

Counseling in whatever form is a good first step forward and I would encourage you to go.Write a list of your concerns and give them to the counselor so they can address your issues.Sometimes my mind would go blank or I would forget what I needed to say and you can get caught up with just seeking help for your husband.You matter too!

Keep us posted on your progress.As odd as this feels,the more you talk to others you will find it is not such an unusual situation to be in.

Wishing you all the best

Ruby 2

[Tired_of_being]

Thank you Darren and Ruby.

I am not a loving and supportive wife. I swing between crying for my lost life, we were going to grow old etc. and standing up an saying I need go so I can rebuild me.

thank you for the other group. I really don’t care about the sexuality, but cheating/betrayal of trust deeply wounds. He now refuses to go out with friends, so that I know he is being faithful. ???? I am not concerned about him being faithful, as he is not attracted to women, or primarily attracted to men atm. That he says he has no self control in that situation, says so much. But after these talks he clams up so tightly.

I am going to try counselling, but we have so much to work through. I would rather the truth and then friendship once wounds heal, than a lifetime of torture/guilt/pretending for both of us. I wish he could see himself as a single man, who can follow his heart and find his true self and love freely.

[Ruby__2]

Dear Tired of being,

Sorry it has taken a while to reply,but as we all know life can get in the way.....

How did you go with counseling?I do hope you were able to gain something from it.

You ARE a wonderful person.You have shown this by your wish to help your husband.

I have just started working after 18yrs,which has been a steep learning curve.But it has shown me I can do things independently of my husband.

He has been diagnosed with lung cancer-talk about life running away on you!My new employer understands and have been quite helpful. You may be surprised at who can help in dark ,difficult situations.I was!

I guess,what I am trying to say is:life can throw so many unexpected things at us.Try and surround yourself with people who are able to help and support you.Some may not-ignore and move on.

I understand the small town mentality. Go and confide in your GP.What you say is confidential and if need be explain to them that you don't want "everyone"to know your business.

Just a few suggestions to let you know you have not been forgotten:)I can offer no solutions, everyone's different. But I do wish you well and can be the "silent"friend if you need to vent.

Thinking of you

Ruby

[Esti67]

Hi tired of being,

I feel desperately sad for your situation, its horrible for everyone. I think same sex attraction is so complex. I am the other side of your situation, i have just outed myself to my husband and after some time to reflect he has begged us not to separate. This is painful for both of us and i hate being the cause of his pain that he has no fault in. I can appreciate how betrayed you feel and how the life you had planned isnt going to happen now. I think that regardless, you should have your own counselling because this is about your feelings, and only yours and how you now move forward, Your husband, whilst he may be struggling, at the end of the day, his nature is his nature. i wish you all the best as you navigate your new life. I hope in time you blossum.

[Tired_of_being]

Thank you Esti67

This situation is so complex. I have come to the realisation that half life is not going to work for either of us. In the end our true self is who we should be honest to. I see his pain, anger and desperation to stay in a ‘straight’ marriage. He hides his true self, when there is no need to. He could have so much support, our kids don’t care as we have several same sex couple close friends,

You are so strong to be honest. Give your husband time, but remind him he deserves 100% in relationship, just like you do. You still share so much love, but not the love that a marriage needs.

I wish you so much happiness and the freedom that will come with being your true self.

[Esti67]

Hi Tired of Being, thanks for your reply. As far as our situation goes i think we have turned a corner today. I misunderstood his time in processing the situation for denial which meant i was becoming worried that he hadnt quite understood what i was saying and that this would be swept under the carpet and we'd be back to square 1. In reality he just needed time. We had a really nice talk today about wanting eachother to be happy, the dating scene (dread) and also how we are going to deal with family, friends and the community we live and work in. Im prepared to take whatever happens and dont really care what people think but i do worry that my family have to deal with gossip.We live in a suburb which isnt very diverse and have been very involved in the community through schools and sports. I couldnt agree more that both in the relationship deserve 100%. Something lovely he said when i told him it wasnt his fault and I'm so sorry is that it wasnt mine either. He didn't have to say that but it was very appreciated. I hope you both find a way forward- he probably has a lot of guilt which is tied up in self loathing, love for his family and lets face it - mess. It will work out for you all in time but i would suggest you contact women partners of bisexual men service. They work from Leichardt Womens and have a website.I noted you live in a small country town. They are a specialist service and they will help . I think you have shown incredible strength at a time when you could have been really horrible to your husband. Looking at some other posts in this section some couples have been very damaged by this. The way you have handled this tells me you are an amazing mum, partner and person. I hope it all works out. Please be kind to yourself

E