Oh please don't make me name this thing...

[Brin209]

Where to begin... I'm trans, been in a relationship 4 years with my male(ish) partner.

My family are religious. Support from them is there but shallow, they can't be seen to support me by their faith. My sister is getting married soon, and I'm cut up that she probably won't acknowledge that I'll be there.

I'm unemployed, looked after by my partner. No quals, no exp in anything I can return to. We are struggling to keep on top. The sherriff has already tried to evict us once.

I have anxiety. It's been getting less manageable. I feel worthless and isolated. I live regional. Been 6 years, but I managed to finally get a job, big company. Employment has changed though, I got a blister 2 days in, and was bullied into quitting by the manager. Considering my previous experiences, I'm afraid to apply for any more jobs. I've been bullied out of every job I've had.

It's not cos I'm useless or braindead or entitled. It's just I have autism spectrum, and anxiety. When people interpret my mistakes as an attitude problem, they come down on me. This makes me stressed, and I lose the ability to not be an idiot. Then I become vulnerable... I've been bullied and gaslit and all kinds of awful stuff.

Last night I had a dream I had a baby. Obvsly an impossible thing but its something that pops up from time to time. I'm worthless, I'll never be a parent, I'm too scared to even try. But in the dream, I was lying in a bed, covered in blood and crap and holding a newborn. My family all ignored me, wouldn't even drive me to the hospital, felt surreal.

And now, my partner is going through the first steps to transitioning. I was kind of prepared because ppl who have gender issues gravitate to us. I support her, but it's a journey I know all too well, and I'm actually really afraid for her because I don't know how to support her. Noone really supported me. And I have to get over internalised transphobia I ignored because I don't actually value myself. Now someone I love is trans.

Something I'm worried about is how weird being in a lesbian relationship will be, and how my parents and siblings who were kind of supportive before might think this is a step too far. Will I even be invited to my sister's wedding at all when this gets out?

Panic attacks have been getting worse, I wake up every night after a nightmare. Really feels hard to breathe right now. Its affecting my health. I don't care if this doesn't get a reply, felt cathartic just to write it. Thanks.

[Quercus]

Hi Brin209 and a warm welcome to the forums,

I figured seeing as you mentioned not really needing a reply it would be ok that I have zero experience in being or meeting someone who is Trans.

Reading your post I just wanted to reply to say I truly hope you decide to stick around the forums. You might not see yourself as being skilled but you have a wonderful writing style which is a gift in itself.

Maybe the sort of work you've tried so far is just not the right fit for you. Doesn't mean you don't have talents and skills to share. I see three glaringly obvious ones right away...

1. A gift for story telling and writing

2. Compassion and empathy to others experiencing difficult times

3. Your own unique life experiences and a willingness to share them (most people simply read and never post, posting itself is not an easy choice to make).

Your anxiety about your family and also your partner seem logical to me (even though I cannot relate personally). Your situation sounds utterly overwhelming and I hope that writing it down helped you even a little.

There is one reassurance I can give you. I don't know you but it is obvious you are a person who is worthwhile and valuable. I hope in time you find a way to value who you are.

Nat

[Croix]

Dear Brin209~

I'd like to join Nat in welcoming you here. No you did not ask for a reply but of course you are worth replying to - so I guess you will just have to put up with it:)

I guess one of the really stupid and sad thngs about human nature is that we take other people's misdeeds and bad attitudes and translate that into a lack of self-worth.

You have a partner, this is a wonderful thing, not everyone is blessed like that . To love and be loved may sound a bit unrealistic, but it really is the basis of so much.

When people are held in high esteem by others, hold down good jobs, have a decent home and can pay the bills they do not require strenght to keep on going. When the opposite is true then to keep going, to show care and love and persevere takes real strength -and you have it.

I guess with your family maybe flip it around -they love despite the way they were taught to believe. They may not be able to shake their faith entirely but are split -they care about you.

Supporting your partner - I think you are the ideal person. As an example even just explaining the existence of internalized trans-phobia will make a huge difference. As you say yourself you know the journey.

How does your partner feel, are you able to get support there?

May I ask if you are under treatment for your anxiety. My problems were from quite different causes, however anxiety, depression and the rest simply kept gettng worse until I had competent treatment.

You are welcome here always

Croix

[Brin209]

Hi Nat, hi Croix,


Thanks for replying, I think I really did want a response.


I don't get out much these days. I often can't talk to my folks about everything, and I don't want to burden my poor partner with my worries. Sometimes I let my inner control-freak get the best of me and feel like if I'm not the one holding everything together, it'll all fall apart.


Funnily enough, over the weekend two things happened. I visited my Mum, who made me stir fry. And the next day, my cat got diarrhoea, and we all got covered in poo (so did everything else). She is my baby. Vaguely and uselessly prophetic, I guess.


I've been on anti-anxiety meds about a decade ago when I had a mental breakdown from getting bullied at work, but weaned myself off because I felt like a zombie. I probably should be medicating though, clearly my psychic powers of precognition are getting out of control.


I mainly use my sense of humour to cope with things, I've been neurotic since I was a kid so I'm used to it. Honestly I think I just got a bit overwhelmed is all.


Cheers to Nat for complimenting my writing. Sheepishly I admit, you're not the first person to say so, but despite how much I want to make a living out of it (and despite my impressive ability to see the future) I've not yet figured out how.


I should probably say no more because I'm not sure how to delete my posts and I really don't want people to find out my true identity. At least the bourgeoisie can sleep well knowing my witch-blood will die with me.


Seriously though, thank you both for your kind messages. 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Brin209~

You are very welcome, we can see some of the problems you face even if our own troubles have not been identical.

I hope you cat has now recovered. I have Sumo Cat sitting at my elbow ATM on his special plush blanket being 'busy' (cat language for asleep). It makes for a cosy feeling being supervised in that way before the wood fire.

There is one thing I'd like to mention, you probably are aware anyway, however I'll press on. When I became ill I was just about completely incapable, withdrawn and not good tempered with it. Up till then I'd always felt I had the responsibility of the entire household. Of course I was wrong, and it was only then, or more strictly afterwards, that I realized exactly how strong and capable my partner was.

Stronger than me in many ways.

You mentioned "I'm not the one holding everything together, it'll all fall apart." I'm sure you already know this is an overreaction, however you may well find your partner has the same capabilities as you, and even if undergoing a radical change is still able to be one of the pillars in your life you can lean on.

With meds, it is (or was for me) very much a trial and error exercise. I've ended up on a regimen that suites, does the job and has little side effects. It took a long time to get there, but now I'm good. Not all 'zombify'.

To delete a post you hit the red REPORT POST link beside it and explain on the resultant screen why you want it deleted. Administration them makes a decision, they are very reasonable.

I agree with Nat, you do write clearly and expressively, with a balance in your topics. Perhaps things as diverse as advertising copy or museum/exhibition labels might be paths in? I know from much experience how much tact and negation can go into such labels, quite apart from having to conform to established standards..

Croix