How to support my mother who is depressed about my sexuality?

[pretzelpug]

I came out to my parents as a lesbian 7 years ago. They did not take it well and for a long time, our relationship really suffered.

Since then, things have improved a lot between my parents and myself. It hasn’t been easy but we’ve reached a point where we no longer argue over every little thing and they even invite my partner over for dinners.

Lately my mother has been fairly depressed - she talks often about having nothing to be happy about in her life and has made frequent reference to her friends whose kids are married and have children of their own. I know that while she is a lot more tolerant of me and my partner, she does not accept my life choices and has not disclosed this part of my life to her friends and family.

She blames this part of our lives for a lot of her unhappiness and I don’t know what to do to support her. I understand that being a parent of somebody LGBTI involves grieving for the life you will no longer have and I am aware that as a migrant, this is particularly at odds with her cultural beliefs. But I do not know how to get her the help she needs as she is ashamed of, does not talk about this with any of her friends or family, and does not believe in getting help (talking to strangers is tantamount to betrayal to her and is something that people like her just “does not do”)

What can I do?

[Croix]

Dear Pretzelpug~

Welcome here, this is an understanding place and many have faced the problem you have now. Actually is is not so much your problem as your mother's. (You do not mention how your father feels now)

One of the things most parents do is 'map out' their children's future: do well as school, be healthy, be popular, have a good job, meet someone etc. They wish their children a happy life, but one they understand and would probably wish for themselves.

They also can include in that scenario their offspring's children, something you and your partner may or not want.

As a result it may be reality is catching up with your mother and her tidy plan for the future is not turning out as she envisaged it, (actually just as good, though not as anticipated)

Considering the cultural barriers you mention and her initial unhappiness with who you are I guess a lot has been done. To invite your partner over would have seemed -to her- a big step. It shows her love for you has overcome a big hurdle. There is no reason to suppose it may not overcome more in time.

Yes, it would be good if she could talk to a councilor and come to see you are the whole and loving person, still hers offspring, still love her. Perhaps in time that may happen.

You have not said how your father fits into this, may I ask how he feels?

Family is very valuable, I realize this even after mine rejected me due to my choice of partner (simply on class grounds, not gender) so I'd suggest patience, enroll the help of anyone in your family she might listen to and not shut out, and take time with kindness (for you as well as her).

Perhaps the pair of you inviting her out to dinner in return, or some other event might ease things -what do you think?

One other thing to bear in mind is that although your mother might cite you as a cause of her unhappiness, it may be there are other unrelated things in her life that are contribution to her condition. Anything from a physical ailment, to her relationship with your father or other family member, to financial matters or .... well you get the idea. It is easy to get locked in to it being you, maybe it is something else

I do you hope you return and discuss this some more

Croix

[MissBenthos]

Hi pretzelpug,

It sounds like you’ve already done so much for her. We are all responsible for our own emotions. It is extremely unfair for her to blame you for her unhappiness - that’s on her. She won’t get help because she doesn’t believe in getting help? You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. I know it sounds harsh, you have a big heart for all you are doing for her. I think the best thing you can do is not take responsibility for her emotions and be there for her when she does start asking for help.

[geoff]

Hello Pretzelpug, and a warm welcome.

Thanks for posting your comment and can I suggest that you and your partner both feel comfortable within yourselves because if you are worried about other people, including your mum and what they think, then you won't be strong enough to handle what others say.

You can provide help for your mum, but she has to decide when she wants to do it, re-enforce your relationship first to strengthen your bond.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Birdy77]

Hello pretzelpug,

I can relate to you and your partner's experience quite a lot. I am in a loving relationship with my life-partner, and we have been together for eight years - and her parents still refer to me as her friend (or sometimes even "one of her friends") to others in their cultural community, even though I'm accepted as their daughter-in-law within the privacy of the family.

I know there are lots of complex issues at hand there for you and your partner. I know also how much it hurts and how frustrating it can be.

How are things with your partner's parents/family?

The care and concern you show for your mother's wellbeing and happiness shows what a thoughtful and compassionate person you are - qualities that any parent can be proud of in their child.

I know you care a lot for your mother's happiness, but you are in no way responsible for it. You are your own person with your own life to live, and your own identity & relationship to explore, express and celebrate.

I would encourage you to just continue being your loving self, showing your parents the respectful relationship you share with your partner, and the respectful person you are to them as their daughter.

You are not here to make your mother happy or to somehow curtail who you are in order to fit in with who she thinks you ought to be.

It is an issue that she is going to have to sort out for herself, and you being the kind, caring person that you are will hopefully help her to continue to open her mind and her heart.

This is an opportunity for her to grow as a human being, and to become a more compassionate and accepting and living person.

Whether she does or not is not your responsibilty.

You are not alone pretzelpug.

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Hello again pretzelpug,

I'm sorry for the double post, but i meant to mention it might be worth having a look at pflagaustralia.org.au (the website of PFLAG: Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gay people) if you haven't already - you might find some helpful resources or ideas there and it may end up being a useful and supportive resource for your parents down the track.

🌻birdy