Deciding whether to leave my partner

[BMelb31]

Hi All,

I'm 31, male and living in Melbourne. I've been with my girlfriend for over 6 years. We have been very much in love the whole time we have been together. All our friends are getting engaged etc so people are beginning to ask when I'm going to pop the question.

However, I've become very anxious and worried over the last 12 months as I've had to accept that I'm also attracted to men. I hate going to bed at night as I never sleep well, wake up early and consistently thinking about what my life would be like with a man. I suppose being honest I have noticed I'm attracted to men since I was about 18 but it was never something I wanted to try out. I always wanted to be with my girlfriend but now I'm worried that this isn't for me and I should break it off with her.

I broke down a few months ago when I came home from work and told her that I was bi-sexual. I'm finding it extremely difficult to deal with this. My girlfriend was upset at the time but thankfully was very supportive. I told her I still loved her and that we could try work it out together. I'm just worried that I'm wasting her time and I should just get it over and done with. We have such a great life together I know it would break her heart if I did. However, being 31 now, I also realise I need to be true to myself whether that involves being with a man, I'm not sure yet!.

I have started looking up encounters with men online. I haven't written to anyone and I haven't met up with anyone. I know this is completely not fair on my girlfriend. It's hard to know whether I should leave her when I've never actually been with a man.

I'm so confused, its taken over my whole life. To deal with the stress I have started doing lots of meditation and also practicing the beyond blue 10 anxiety steps. However, my thoughts are still quite overpowering.

It's so hard to leave someone you've been with for so long but I need to be happy with my life and at the moment this is definitely not the case.

Does anyone have any thoughts/experiences or advice they can give me?

[Only_I_know]

Hey there BMelb31.

I'm so happy that you have reached out here. This is a great and safe place to get things off your mind and chest. There are a lot of people in similar place.

I hear exactly what you are saying, from experience, only I'm 48 years old. Last year I came out to my wife, told her I was gay. I'd known my entire life-since I was 12yo, but society wasn't accepting and I kept it hidden (hence my screen name).

I was married for 20yrs, and have 2 kids-17yo & 11yo. Last year I fell into a deep depression and all I could think about was stopping the feelings I was experiencing-anyway I could.

Through my marriage, and prior to, I never ventured down the path of being with a guy-I too loved my wife deeply, but depression got so bad that there was only 2 options - 1. Come out or 2. something unspeakable.

My wife knew I was depressed & supported me. Then, I told her. Our lives tumbled-but fortunately not for long. She loved/loves me so deeply that we worked through it. We have separated (last November) but we are now best friends. And my kids, parents, and friends all accept and love me still.

There is an organisation called QLife - a peer support group for the LGBT community-Google them, and just chat. They helped me and were awesome. Sometimes it is hard to get through, don't give up, just keep trying.

Also, I would definitely suggest talking to a Psychologist - they will help you work through your thoughts. Qlife may be able to recommend an LGBT Psych near you. It will also be worth seeing a Doctor-ask for a Mental Health plan and referral for Psych-Medicare will cover about 1/2 the psych fees if you do.

As far as "encounters with men online" - what I can say here is that the fact that I didn't, helped my wife get through it, and helped us maintain our loving friendship. Only you can decide this though. If you are "not sure" if you are Bi or Gay - well, I think that you really know the answer deep down. I doubt being with a man will tell you anything other than what you already know. The psych can help you with the thought process. Honestly-I thought "bah" to a psych, but can say it helped to no end.

It is hard to leave someone you love, but what happens in 20yrs when you feel unfulfilled and living a lie? Again, my experience was that it almost cost me everything, almost took my kids Father from them, and a loving husband from my wife. I still tear up at the thought of not being here on Fathers day, for my kids.

Keep chatting, here to help.

Darren

[BMelb31]

Hi Darren,

Thanks very much for getting back to me. Your reply has really meant a lot. It must have been extremely tough for you to go through all of that. Well done on having the courage to be true to yourself.

I'm going to message Qlife today and also try arrange to meet a psychologist. Just wondering, in your opinion, are the psych's that you can go to through medicare as good as the private ones? I just want to make sure they would provide me with the best help I can get.

Since I wrote my first post yesterday, a few things have happened. I was awake last night at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. My girlfriend knew that something was up and she asked me was I ok. I have been asked that question so many times and each time I just shrug it off and say 'Yes'. However, last night I just decided I couldn't take it anymore and told her that I needed to break up with her. Obviously, this was a massive shock to her and ended up with the two of us crying for about 2 hours. She was so upset. We've decided to go on a break for a few weeks while I go talk to a counsellor and just sort myself out. I know this doesn't mean we'll get back together but it's very difficult as I do still have feelings for her. I suppose talking to someone will help with all of this.

I've now moved out of the apartment and am staying in an airbnb for few days.

I feel a bit relaxed now that I have told her but I just feel so sorry for her and I know I have broken her heart.

How did you manage to cope with all of this in the initial stages of telling your wife?

[Alice_S]

BMelb31,

I'm new to these forums and I'm not going to have a lot to say like the above people and I apologies. I would really recommend talking to your girlfriend about all the above. I know its scary and you don't want to hurt her but it will hurt her more by not talking to her and making her a part of this decision. You never know, she may be open to you trying this and finding your feet or open to having someone else in your relationship. If you say you are in love then you guys would be very much best friends and should include each other. If shes already supportive of you being Bi then she may surprise you.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi BMelb31, I am a gay women and my opinion differs. I disagree with Alice S.

I think you have done the right thing by removing yourself physically, it doesn't have to be forever if you naturally come back together, but that will be a process.

Even if you are bi and not gay your girlfriend hasn't had time to realise and absorb what it means to be in a relationship with someone whos sexuality is fluid, when her's most definitely is not.

My sexuality is not fluid and I would never date someone whose is. I would feel like their sexuality is as shifting as their moods and the weather and I wouldn't feel secure, I want a gay partner and nothing else.

As for being best friends, I don't see that as an indication that you are more hetero than gay, I see it as the opposite, that something is missing, a depth to your intimacy, that you are afraid of taking emotional risks and that you are timid and that you've played it safe. My gay male mates meet lots of married men on dating apps, I have stumbled across gay beats about town where married men go, so it is much more common than people realise. Its a journey you have to travel on your own and keep communicating with your gf, she may realise that she doesn't want a partner whose sexuality is fluid either, it may just be too much for her and she may never feel enough and secure with a bi guy, I can understand that. Its not much help, just a diff perspective on it you know,

Def

[Only_I_know]

Hi BM

hang in there, you've made a big decision-not necessarily a quick one-I imagine you have thought about this for a very long time-probably years if I'm guessing right. I almost came out to my wife 12yrs ago, but didn't. Some days I regret not doing it, but then I wouldn't have my daughter.

I've had a lot of people tell me how courageous I am for coming out, but I don't see it that way. I actually felt a coward for not doing it earlier in life, but growing up in the 80's as a teen wasn't great to be gay and just wasn't something I could do. I wish you only the best on your journey of working out who you are and what you want out of life. I'm so glad that you have started that journey. There is no reason you cannot lead a happy healthy life however you want and with whomever.

As far as the Psych-the Medicare thing doesn't have anything to do with who you see. The mental health care plan that your GP will write up for you is what is important. Your GP may want to refer you to a psych that they know, but you can tell them who you want to see. If you can get to an LGBT friendly one, then you give your GP their details and the GP will refer you to them. Then you see the Psych, you pay them (anywhere around $150+ for a session) and then you put in a claim from Medicare - they don't care who you see. but you are also out of pocket, but this is money well spent. the health plan gives you 10 sessions part paid.

The psych I saw was actually gay himself, so he understood exactly what I was going through and helped me work through the very low opinion I had of myself. I loathed who I was-hated myself. You ask how I coped-well I barely did. On one night I was so low that I found myself nearly doing the unspeakable. It was only through a good Samaritan that stopped and asked if I was ok that brought me back from the brink. Please don't go down this path, no matter how low you may feel. Do you have any friends that you can talk to about this? I'm happy to chat for as long as you need, but sometimes the responses on here aren't as quick as you may want or need.

did you tell your GF why you wanted to break up? It may help her understand. It's hard when you love someone so much and don't want to hurt them but know it is unavoidable.

It will be tough for a period, but work through it as it will get better. Get Qlife to recommend that psych, make the appt, get the Health plan.

Don't mope around at home, go out with friends, distract yourself.

all the best

Daz

[BMelb31]

Hi Darren,

Thanks again for your reply. You really are helping me and everything you say makes sense, Ya I have a gay friend that I spoke to about it and he has been very understanding and helpful.

Ya I told my girlfriend why I needed to break from her. It was the worst thing I ever had to do but I knew that I would go to a very bad place pretty soon if I didn't talk to her about it and kept it to myself. I messaged this place called SHIPS that was recommended to my by Qlife. They are supposed to have very good counselors that deal with these sorts of issues.

I'm glad you didn't go down that route and you were saved by a good samaritan.

Ya I share the same thoughts with you about not sitting at home as I know that will just make me further depressed. I have few friends around Melbourne so going to just try do stuff at the weekend to keep my mind off it.

Again, thanks so much for chatting to me. It really means a lot. You should be so proud that your helping other people.

Brian

[Only_I_know]

Hey Brian, i'm glad that I'm able to help and offer you support, many did on here for me last year.

Encourage your girlfriend to also speak to a counsellor or at least a trusted friend. She will likely need some support too. I'm sure, like I did, you are hurting at the thought of hurting her - you sound as if you love her a great deal.

The other thing to look into as well, is whether your employer has an Employee assistance program. My did, and I was able to contact them anonymously and get access to a psychologist for free (paid for by my employer). My employer isn't aware of me going, it doesn't go back to them. Most big companies now have these sorts of programs to help staff and their families - you may find that if they do, that your girlfriend may also have access (or maybe her employer does?).

I'm glad Qlife could offer you help too, I haven't heard of SHIPS, but i'm sure that they will be able to help.

I too, am glad of that good Samaritan. she restored my faith in humanity. I think of that night often, and wish the lady good fortune for stopping and putting herself in danger to help a stranger.

If you are looking to get out and about, there are plenty of LGBT social groups. Google "Team Melbourne", you will find a whole bunch of LGBT sport groups like Walking/Running group, Ten Pin Bowling, Swimming and heaps more. I'm not sporty at all, but I joined the walking/running group 12 months ago, I wanted to just get out and meet like minded people and get comfortable with the real me, make my own friends rather than the "joint" friends my ex wife and I have. It wasn't about meeting "someone".

There's also a social app called Meetup, where you can join social groups. It's not a dating app, but a way to meet new people. There are some LGBT groups, but there is so much more there too from dog walking, writing groups etc.

Yes, it's important to keep yourself busy and focus on keeping your health as good as you can. Exercise, eat well and all that stuff, you don't need to get run down and sick on top of all the other negativity.

try and have a great weekend, keep talking to people, things will get better.

take care

Daz