Confused by sexuality

[Questioninglife]

Not sure where to start...I’m 36, married to a beautiful woman (my best friend) with 2 young children. My wife & I started dating young and have been together 18 years.

before meeting my wife I was almost certain I was gay. I worked with a guy and we both shared a mutual attraction but nothing ever happened. I always had an attracted to the same sex growing up. I grew up in a loving home but in an environment where being gay was not accepted and was an ongoing joke with negative remarks...I hid/ suppressed my feelings and attractions and hated myself when the feelings arose. I then met my wife and for the first time I stopped questioning my sexuality and we were both happy. However every 3 years I seem to go through a cycle of depression, analysing my life which in turns leads to depression. Questioning my sexuality has always been part of that cycle. Some how I’d manage to bury the questioning and depression only for it to return again later.

I’m currently back in that depression cycle. My wife questioned my sexuality last weekend and I finally told her how I was feeling and I’d been questioning my sexuality. She has been amazing and supportive, I’ve since told some family closest to me that I’m confused about my sexuality- they have all been supportive.

my problem is I really don’t know if I’m gay, or if I’ve suppressed it so long that I’ve really confused myself about how I’m feeling. Initially I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders but had only been replaced by more confusion. I question if the confusion is more due to my head telling me to stay where it’s safe- married, home etc and that’s my I can’t make the decision,

Hoping someone has been in a similar situation that can help me gain some clarity.

thanks

[Lonelydan]

Hi Questioning, Welcome to the forums. I truly believe in sexuality on a scale of 1-10. One being completely heterosexual, 10 being completely homosexual and five being bisexual. I’m a total 10. It’s difficult to say go explore when you’re married. I’m glad you’re in a supportive environment with your partner and family. I guess There’s only one way to find out if you’ll enjoy gay sex. If there is an attraction and there has been attraction since childhood I think for your own mental health and Peace of mind you need to know. Please don’t feel ashamed of your feelings there’s so many guys that feel the same. Coming out to one self is a good place to start. Dan.

[Only_I_know]

Hi Questioninglife,

I'm 48 and came out to my wife of 20yrs last year, and 2 kids, so very similar. I knew I was gay from the age of 5. Well, didn't know I was gay then, just different. It was about 12/13yrs that I knew, but society was unkind back in the late 1980's and I was too insecure and not brave.

In my entire life I have not been with another guy, but know that it is what I want. I don't know about "trying" something just to be sure, for me, I think you know it deep down - what is your gut telling you? Trying something is something that only you can decide, I am sure that the fact that I didn't helped my wife get through it and for us to still be loving friends. It would have hurt her if I had cheated on her.

I'm not judging others who do, but for me it worked coz I knew I was gay and not questioning. Dan is right though, don't feel ashamed of your feelings.

I guess that if you've been together for 18 years (and suspected you were gay back then) you haven't really had the chance to explore those feelings, but if you were certain then - what has changed? Being in a hetro relationship doesn't suddenly make your hetro.

Your depression cycle sounds so similar to mine. for me it came and went every couple of years, but for the last 10, it came every year and sometimes 2 or 3 times in the year. Early last year it hit me and lasted for almost 6 mths, where I nearly ended up doing the unspeakable. I had the choice of whether to come out or the unspeakable, as ending the mental pain was all I could think about 24/7.

I was recommended to contact Qlife - a peer support for the LGBT. Google them and speak to someone. They can be quite busy so if your call doesn't get answered, just keep trying.

Also see your GP, get a mental health plan and a referral to a Psychologist. Qlife can recommend an LGBT friendly one who can help you work through your thought processes. The health plan means that Medicare will pay around 1/2 the psych costs, it is money well spent.

Your wife sounds a lot like mine (awesome), I can only suggest to respect her. You may need her support, but she may need yours too. My wife was amazing, and even though we separated last November, we still love each other and are best friends.

Keep chatting here, there have been a lot of people go through a similar situation and can offer support. I'm through the worst time in my life now, but I check in here regularly to offer support where I can, as others did for me.

Cheers

Darren