Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

[Tired_of_being]

I guess my title says it all.

My husband, best friend and person I knew has finally faced up to years of cheating. While floored by the betrayal of monogamy and the trust issues, I want to know how I can help him. This is doing my head in. I don’t care about the sexuality, but the lies and hurt he has caused has stripped my confidence and self worth to 0.

We live in small country area and he is widely known (also all his mates know as he has tried it on with some of them). He keeps saying he loves me and wants to stay married, we don’t have sex or intimacy. But he has cheated with only men and our gay friend believe he is gay not bi.

Ive looked for somewhere to be supported and help my husband through this. I know our marriage is ended, but this should not have to end badly. How can I help him, while ensuring my anger at the betrayal of trust is reined in?

We are both around 50, kids, etc.

[Johnny_11]

Hi tired

this is a hard situation for everyone involved, I’m going through my own.

your husband grew up in a society, culture and, most likely, a family that told him he was not normal, damaged, broken, evil, etc etc he would have felt alone, had no one to help him.

I know every time I would blow out the candles on my birthday, Id only wish for one thing, to not be gay. I’m sure your husband had similar experiences.

For me, it caused a lot of self hate. It’s very hard to like this part of yourself, harder to admit it and even more so to embrace it.

When your husband married you, I’m sure he did love you, and he honestly was expecting he would be faithful, being with you would have made him forget about his attractions to men but unfortunately they don’t go away

im not trying to justify your husbands actions, I think he just can’t express all the mixed feelings he’s going through, and itd help you hearing it from someone ina similar situation

John

[Ruby__2]

Hi,would like to know how life is going for you atm?

Support is here. I really get what is happening!Not only has he come out after 32yrs, but has also been diagnosed with lung cancer!to op it all off,I have have had a bad fall which may need surgery-yay!!!

I do wish you well and hope things are progressing. Remember, it is not the event, but how we deal with it that matters .

Wishing nothing but the best.Here if you just need to vent or ramble cc

Ruby 2

[Esti67]

I was also wondering how Tired is going and also you too Ruby - sounds like life isn't so great for you? Glad these forums are here for us all, whatever our situation.

E

[Ruby__2]

Hi Etsi67,

Life has certainly thrown us all a curve ball.It is good to have these forums,to see other people's views and how they cope.We can all help each other in some way.

I am glad you feel you and your husband have reached a turning point.We are finding that talking and then talking some more has helped. If you can't say it now,when.Life can never be certain, but we can try to live it with integrity. Being honest with each other has brought me a lot of clarity.

I have to stay and support my husband through his illness, because I do still care for him.It is like we have gone back to how we started-mates,flatmates,just a lot older.

I have dealt with my disappointment etc.I cannot picture us not keeping not caring about each other.But I also have to be pragmatic and have been socializing and living my own way,instead of being tied to the wishes and expectations of a spouse.

Hang in there, life will get better-you have taken the first step by allowing yourself to be you.Keep going.

I feel I'm rambling a little-hard to gather a million thoughts together lol.

Thanks for your concern,I hope things are going easier for you.

Ruby

[Esti67]

Thanks Ruby,

We are muddling along and its ok. Kind of. Like you, not where i thought I'd be at 51 but I knew my same sex attraction would surface somewhere. Even though I'm on the other side i do feel for you both as women because we are so used to being the heartbeat of the family and being responsible for most of the day to say decision making, to then be faced with a situation which is so out of our control is heartbreaking. I hope you and your husbands health improve and that in time all of you can remain friends despite what has happened.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi Ruby,

Your husband must be in a bit of disbelief of where his life is at, and he must be scared about his diagnosis. The treatment process will be long and drawn out. I hope that he responds well. He probably needs a few different sorts of professionals to help him get through the physical illness and the psychological impact.

It really comes across in your posts how determined you are to not give up on connection and moving forward with your own life. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, a lot of people reach 50 and completely resign themselves to leaving their life as it is, even if they are incredibly unhappy, even so miserable to the point it affects their mental health and emotional well-being. They will create an internal narrative for themselves, which sometimes borders on delusion to resist change, avoid loss and not take any risks. You certainly do not come across like that.

You’re a really strong women, and I think it’s awesome and wonderful to see a chick not dismissing her needs and the potential to experience intimacy and connection for herself, as if it is less important than a male spouse. There is so much pressure on women to be the care-giver of everyone. Your husbands situation is absolutely awful but it doesn’t invalidate how hard your side must be and your raw emotions shouldn’t be dismissed and replaced with pressure to continue life as it is, like some sort of eerie silent film. You don’t want to create more resentment that bubbles underneath so I think it’s fantastic that you’re getting out there………….and if you meet someone else, you meet someone else.

Your husband will have a lot of regret in is heart for having lived an incomplete life for so long and then to be thrown this diagnoses….gosh, that’s so hard.

Even though you said you’re living like mates and flat mates, and of course there is that sense for the loss of what was, I think his really blessed to have your mateship around him right now.

Def

[Ruby__2]

Hi to Esti and Def,

I appreciate your insights as the gay spouses-but why label.We all hurt whether straight or gay but we all seem to still have kind of love for them.

My Dr said to me once do what feels right for you.The emphasis on YOU.

We all know who we are and our capabilities-takes a crisis to discover, but we find ourselves eventually.

Thank you both for your words of hope and encouragement. I do wish the same for everyone here.We think it's just us but a real eye opener to discover this situation is more common than we think.

Support here has been a life saver for me.Hubby has started treatment,so far all good.Kids have been helping, which has been great to see they still support him no matter the circumstances. Must have done something right in raising them lol.

Great to hear the 'other'perspective.Thanks for your concern and input.I bear no malice,just want everyone to be their true selves.Life is hard and sometimes short.If friendship and love can prevail,then why can't we.

Good luck with moving on Esti-you do deserve to be you and to Def-how eloquently you expressed my situation and I do appreciate your support. Although sometimes I don't feel as strong as you paint me .

Thank you both

Ruby

[Ruby__2]

Hi Tired,

Just touching base. Hope things are looking up for you .Did you go to counseling?Seek some for yourself if anything.

Still here if you need to vent,ask questions.

Wishing you a good outcome for all xx

Ruby

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi Ruby,

Good to hear that your husband has commenced treatment. Just when he's recovering from a breakdown he's now having to find the mental strength to get through his diagnosis. That must be so taxing on him. But his secret was clearly making him sick, and it's taken a big toll on his body.

Your head must be spinning a bit. You must be in a bit of disbelief as to the path your life has taken.

But I think what's great is that you haven't given up on life. And neither has your husband. You haven't resigned.

You said that this situation is 'common', and I agree. But I think it is much more common to continue hiding it, burying it, and conforming. People do not want to lose their secure base. Some of the gay men I have met in this situation, I feel, confuse love with gratitude. They've said "but I love my wife so much, maybe I can just remain living like this"........and I've always thought to myself......of course you do! She's provided safety, security, a shield from judgement and a nurturing place where you don't have to be an outsider and a part of an minority group. You get to meld in, while you fortify yourself behind her, and experience all the benefits of social acceptance. Sounds pretty snug and cosy to me.

But the reality is Ruby you deserve more than this. If you're with someone romantically, you deserve to know that they reciprocate all of those deep feelings, attraction and desire in its totality. Not just the stuff of family and comfort, while your partners mind is wandering off fantasising about the same sex.

It will be a long journey for you and your husband.

Grief and loss are some of the hardest emotions anyone has to face in a lifetime. Some do it better than others. But I reckon you guys will be Ok, and acceptance will come in time.

Def

[Esti67]

Thanks Ruby,

I agree that our situations are very common, more than people realise and being on these forums are a great sense of support for us all.

All the best

E