Gender Questions

[Reaperbird]

Okay so I'm 25 and identify as agender (genderqueer/non gender/non binary). Instead of going in to detail I just want to post some questions and if any you have any answers I'd really appreciate it. So uh, here goes:

1) Who do I talk to about gender transitioning? Things like hormones, surgery, etc. (I already asked my doctor, but she was no help.)

2) How do I 'come out' when I have such high social anxiety? I don't need to tell everyone I'm trans or anything, but even asking people to use my preferred name is really embarrassing. I feel scared people will judge me or ask why. Does anyone else get nervous about this stuff?

3) Is it hard to get your name legally changed? Will I be accepted?

4) I don't identify as male or female, and have mixed emotions about who I am and who I want to be. Are there any support services I can talk to about it? (I might add, I'm from a small rural town.)

5) I often feel like a "fake" because I'm never certain about my gender, is this normal?

Thanks for reading!

[Reaperbird]

I'm back! Sorry for my disappearance, just everything happening at once! I swear, my life is usually very quiet. But my doctor sent to do some tests, the real estate wanted to talk, and my job provider has been changing appointments around. So I've been oddly busy. (And on top of that I've caught a cold!)

@Paul: I'll make a note of who is who in future. 🙂

I'm Bisexual myself, well, I could be considered Pansexual or Polysexual, but it's easier to say Bi since more people know what it means.

Yeah, it would be easier to go step-by-step, I guess I just didn't know how to even start. I still haven't contacted the Gender Centre yet, but when I have some free time I'll definitely make that call and make those first steps happen. I'm both nervous and excited.

Hm, well while I haven't had a sock moment, I was watching a cartoon called Steven Universe which made me realize how much my ptsd was affecting me. I never realized that the main reason why I might react so poorly to rejection, conflict and comments about myself, may be because in my past, it was normal to expect abuse to occur in those situations back then. So even now, years after, I'm still reacting to abuse, even when there isn't any. I'm learning to have better awareness now, so I can stay calm when things trigger me off.
So yeah, the biggest leaps in personal discovery can come from moments you least expect!

Well it can be hard, most people expect me to fit a certain expectation and I feel like I never can. Not knowing anyone I can relate to makes it hard too, I feel like I'm alone in how I feel. It's like I'm not cis enough, but not trans enough either, and so it's like I don't fit in anywhere. But hopefully meeting like-minded people will help, the gender centre might have what I need to feel like I belong. Again, I don't know anyone else in my position, so it can be isolating.

Well, thanks so much for your support, I really appreciate it. And i hope you have a nice week ahead. 🙂

[Reaperbird]

@Dolhoof: Hehe, yeah, I think I know now. I get easily confused too, I thought perhaps one person had two accounts at first. It happens a lot on social media so I was wondering.

Yes, everyone is so lovely and patient here. I often wonder how anyone puts up with me sometimes, but I've always had good responses from people. And it's always good to know people are out there that understand too, living in a small town, it can be isolating and I sometimes get caught up with the negative attitudes that can happen where I am. It's always nice to feel accepted and cared about.

Thanks for your comment, and it's okay about hijacking the thread. 😛 I love birds too, and I'd imagine being able to fly would be a lot of fun! I think if I ever reincarnated, I'd like to be a magpie. They have such lovely calls and get in to a lot of mischief. 😄

@blondguy: That sounds like a great atmosphere, being around like-minded people who understand would be a great experience.

That's okay, I know the boards can be slow. But I appreciate it. I admit it can be a nervous time waiting for responses, I'm always worried I've said the wrong thing.

I am sorry again for getting confused. And bald eagles are lovely animals, so no complaints here. 🙂

Thanks again!

[Paul]

Hi Reaperbird,

Trauma and abuse can set up wiring in our brain that we use as self defence unconsciously. in your example you mentioned rejection which can be a trigger. Same for me. It's automatic and difficult to realise what's going on. I have to trace backwards in time emotionally and then play a sequence of events to find what the initial trigger was then what the response was then how I felt then the next level of emotion then then next level and so on. I've found rewinding and playing the sequence of events really helpful in learning about myself and the stimulus that leads to the resultant feelings or behaviour.

I understand the search to describe our gender, it's pretty fundamental to who we are. I think you even mentioned that it's closely related to how people perceive and treat you. Thing is, there are so many labels to do with gender and most are designed to help explain things to people who are a plain old gender. I've really enjoyed talking to YOU, I haven't needed a label to do that.

A classic is gay guys who use the label "Straight acting". That's the biggest load of BS! My Dad is straight but he gives me a cuddle and a kiss when I see him and calls me "Pauly Pop" he is just Dad and he defines his own path without conformance to any norm.

I describe myself as "Me acting" when someone throws out the straight acting line.

I sew, embroider, ride a fast motorbike, fix my own car swear like a trooper and follow my own path. Gay is about the only label I use.

My point in all of this is again, I understand the need to find a place in defining where you fit in the gender spectrum, but you fit in the spot that is just "you", no labels, no expectation from yourself or others. Be, express and feel how you want to.

You may find "meet up" another source of kindred spirits or an online search for gender forums however even though that first step is difficult in picking up the phone and calling the gender centre then knowing what to say, it's a first step. I often suggest to people to have a look at their first post on the topic (this thread) and use that as an initial discussion point when you call. Take that 5 or ten minutes for the initial step. What's the worst that can happen?

Hugs

Paul

[Reaperbird]

It is very hard. I've been brought up to expect abuse whenever I got in to conflict, even over little things like making bad coffee, taking too long in the shower or making too much noise.
And I guess it's so ingrained in me to expect abuse every time there's conflict, that I immediately go in to 'fight or flight' mode whenever something goes wrong.
The thing that scares me is that now I'm the one that sometimes gets abusive, because I often react to threats that aren't there. Someone might just disagree with me and I automatically think they are trying to pick a fight with me so they can have an excuse to beat me up, like my abusers used to do, and well, I don't react well to it. I often get either too aggressive, defensive or scared over little things.
So learning to rationalize better and not expect 'worse-case-scenario' anymore is a process. I mess up a lot, but I'm trying to be a better person, for others and myself. Just like you said, a lot of it is making mistakes and then looking back on what triggered me and how I can react better next time. It's almost like relearning how to deal with my emotions all over again. Trying to determine the acceptable way to deal with things.

Yeah, you're right. I often wish that being "me" was enough for people. I don't want to have to justify the things I do, or be stereotyped for them. If I do something, it's because I want to do it, not because I'm male or female, but because I'm me. I just think it's really dumb to be limited to just masculine or feminine things; why can't I just do what I enjoy and end it with that? Does it really matter if I'm a girl or a guy?

I mean there's more to it then that, such as the body dysphoria, but how people treat me is a big part of it. I wish I had more courage to just be myself without worrying about others. I want to be able to say, "this is me, and I'm okay with that." But I think I still have some things I need to work on before I can get to that point. I'm still very unsure of myself and I lack self esteem.

But thankyou, it's nice to hear your experiences. It gives me some clarity and it's good to know someone who relates, even if in a slightly different way.

I'll hopefully call the centre before the weekend, I'm very busy over the next few days, but I don't want to end up procrastinating either. I'm very nervous!

Thanks again,

*hugs back* 🙂

[Paul]

Hey Reaperbird,

I'm in awe of your self insight. Being able to recognise that how you were treated is how you can sometimes treat people is one of the most powerful things that can happen. Just to recognise it helps your mind re-wire because you're aware.

The fight or flight mode part can't be easy, adrenalin surge, panic or anxiety, anger and fear. A helpful response in the right circumstance, crippling otherwise. Again though, you've recognised and made the connection of what leads to what and how you feel and the result and your reaction - this is immensely significant.

Personally I don't give a toss whether you're a girl or a guy - I mean that in a nice way. You're an emotionally intelligent person who has been through a lot and worked out a lot and that's what counts. It's who you are, your integrity, how you love and so many things that are just "decent person" that makes you, you.

Will you make me a promise? Make 5 or 10 minutes to call the gender centre before the weekend? I understand how it could make you nervous but please remember. You're safe, they are friendly and a helpful resource and none of us are going to make you do something you don't want to do or aren't prepared for. If you feel threatened at all, we find a new resource that fits better. I'll make you a promise. I'm currently feeling extremely anxious as I am unhappy at work and am thinking of moving to Sydney or Canberra. The thought of leaving my apartment that I have bought and finding somewhere to live is terrifying. Taking me out of my home is like throwing me in a cage of lions. I feel vulnerable and frightened and I'd rather not have those feelings. I even cry at the thought of the move. I know it will be good for me as I will be closer to my sister and brother and my nephews but I'm still really scared. Something tells me it's what I need to do.

My promise is that I will persist with my job hunt and move. Can you promise you'll make a call or two before the weekend? We could both report back here on how bloody nervous we are!

Something I have learnt that is very powerful. if we are comfortable with ourselves then what others think becomes their problem. I know you'll join all the dots on that one. Please know that I understand the difficulties in reaching self comfort.

Let me know if you want to make that pact and we'll stay in touch about our level of anxiety.

Hugs. Paul.

[Doolhof]

Hi Guys,

I have just been reading this post again. A lot of the positive points you both make about being insightful to how you react to situations and comments, being yourself, being comfortable with who you are etc, are all issues many people from all walks of life experience.

Procrastination can be a stepping stone to creating a new pathway for your life's journey, or it can be a hindrance to progress. We can wobble on that procrastination stone in the middle of a stream and wonder which way we will go.

Even if you fall off that stone and land in the stream, you will find a way out, your mind may be clarified into finding a better solution. You may be more determined to move ahead and reach out to what ever you need to help you across to the other side.

Hope you find the time Reaperbird to make the connections that will be of benefit to you right now.

Cheers form Mrs. Dools

[Paul]

G'day Reaperbird,

I had a job interview today. I think I completely buggered it up I barfed on a question I should have known the answer to. Plus I wasn't feeling too well and wasn't bubbly or telling jokes like I usually do in interviews or meetings so they probably think I'm a dumb boring knob.

Still several irons in the fire at the moment.

How's your busy period going? Is everything OK?

Paul

[Reaperbird]

Hey Paul,

I just got off the phone to the gender centre. I think I'm having a minor panic attack, I'm so nervous!
I managed to get a phone appointment for one of their counselors though, not until October, but that's okay, I finally made the first step so I'm proud of that. I have AVPD so doing things like this is overwhelming, but now that I've made that first contact, I think it'll be easier from now on.

But thanks, I read your post before about making that promise, and it helped me find the motivation to do this. I probably would have kept putting it off if it weren't for that. I'm so glad I went through with it.

And yeah, job interviews are tough. I'm always a stuttering mess whenever I have one. But I think everyone gets a bit flustered during things like that, it's not easy being in the spotlight.
I'm sure they don't think bad of you, you seem like a really great person, even if you did falter on a question. 🙂

As for flight and fight stuff, it is very hard. Trying to have self-control with something that is often out of my control is really difficult. But I guess practice makes perfect.

And thankyou for being so open-minded about my gender, I wish there were more people out there like you. You're very kind.

Yeah, moving is tough. I'm actually trying to move as well, that's one of the reasons why I've been so busy. I admit, I'm not moving as far as Sydney or Canberra, but I can understand the difficulties. Inspecting places, packing, organizing things, moving, being somewhere new and with new people... it's overwhelming.
But Canberra and Sydney are great places to live. I lived in Sydney in the past, the people are so nice there. If it weren't so expensive, I'd probably move to the Coogee/Randwick area myself, lovely place. Bit busier then I'm used to though, I'm still a country person at heart I guess.
But I wish you all the luck in your goals, moving is tough but it has a lot of rewards. New things to do, new places to see, and new people to meet. And setting up a new place can be fun.

Anyway, thanks again, and good luck getting that job.

[Reaperbird]

Heya Doolhof,

Well someone once told me that self-awareness is a life-long journey. I'm personally hoping that by learning about myself and improving on the things that have negative impact on me and my life, I can hopefully become the person I've always wanted to be instead of the person I was forced to be. I mean my past has changed things in me that I wish it hadn't, but at the same time, I am aware that back then, I needed those things. I just don't need them now.

Overall, I think I just want a normal life. Or at least, my idea of normal. Living in abuse was awful, and I missed out on so much because of it. Now, I just want to find peace within myself and to enjoy the freedom I have. If only it were so easy though, ptsd doesn't let me move on so easily. But I'm trying to change that.

Heh, sorry, I'm rambling off a bit now.

But yeah, procrastinating can be good and bad, depends on why and for how long. Putting things off can be a wise choice, and other times, a hindrance.

But thank you for your kindness and support, I appreciate it very much.

[Paul]

OMFG You're a bloody legend!

Good stuff in making the call and even better in having an appointment to chat with someone. I'm so glad you found the strength to break through and make the call.

I'm trying to take it easy and not completely lose it over jobs and moving and applications and what i'll do if and whether I should go or stay. It's driving me into the ground a bit. It's so hard not to think about it.

Have a great weekend, stay in touch I'd love to know how to move goes and how things go with setting up and settling in.

Paul xx