Married and gay tendancy

[Greg4]

Just hoping for some advice. I've been married nearly 30 years and just 6 months ago my wife discovered my secret. I believe I'm happily married, but the hurt I've caused my wife is tearing me apart. I've got three adult children who are unaware. My wife has told a few friends on the quiet and I'm glad she has as she has needed their support. I want to remain with my wife and no longer have any extra activities. I just have trouble coping with her 'down days'. Her days being caused by my previous activities. I've had depression as long as I can remember, no longer taking any medication. Do other people live like this? Has anyone any hints for coping?

[DrTom]

G'day and welcome to the forums!

And welcome to the club! I was married for 15 years and have 3 young kids (7, 10, 13). I came out nearly 5 years ago. It was certainly hard going my wife and I decided pretty quickly that it was going to be better for us not to stay together, and that trying to would just make us both unhappy of course this is something everyone has to work out for themselves.

Even though my [ex]wife was amazingly constructive throughout it was still hard going at first. Fortunately my family (and hers!) were very supportive. Even when you're both on the same page working through a breakup is hard going, especially with small kids. Even so, I'm glad we did decide to split. We have both found new partners and are happier than we ever thought to be.

I have numerous friends who used to be married and certainly there is a spectrum of outcomes, and some kids and families come round instantly and some take a while.

I am certainly not going to tell you what to do, but I am very willing to answer any questions you have about my experience.

I'll finish by asking you a question which I don't expect you to answer here, but might be helpful for you to think about: why do you think you want to stay together with your wife? What's in it for you? What's in it for her?

(I hid in the closet for a long time because I was afraid of being alone. I quickly discovered a whole community of lovely caring people I never knew existed!)

please ask away if you wish!

Tom.

[Greg4]

Thanks Dr Tom,

I think I was getting a bit anxious about whether I'd get a reply. Typical me, anxious and worry about just about everything. Well you said fire off the questions! Where to start? How did your wife find out? Mine discovered it on my phone. I am so ashamed and angry at myself for hurting her so much. She asks why I never told her. But I couldn't, I never spoke of it to any friend or family. If I'd sails anything to my family I'm sure I would have been kicked out of home. I was asked once and denied it, then there was no going back.

Our last six months have had some rocky patches, but really have been I think the best times for years. How long were you and your ex wife together after there were no more hiding? It sounds like yours and her family were okay, I don't have much to do with mine and that only leaves hers, so I gave sort of become a part of her family.

Why would we stay together? I guess for both of us we are so close and dependent on each other that we cannot see a future without us being together. I've not got her outgoing personality, I've always found it hard to make friends. I think because I never really felt like I belonged or fitted it.

I guess in many ways, it hasn't been an easy life. Decades of depression, numerous medications (none at the mo) and constantly hiding. I've been faithful since discovery and we have a love more honest communication now.

Ive said that above all I want her to be happy. If she can be happy with me then it's great. But if not, then tell me to go. She is worried I will be alone, I keen saying I'll be ok. If just like to know that it is possible for us to be happy together. Mixed orientation marriage. I think I'm capable of suppressing that side of my life and still be happy. It would be nice to know that others have done it though.

Cheers Greg4

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I feel your pain. Your wife is concerned you will one day be alone....that tells me she has a lot of love for you.

Although heterosexual, having lived among many men in dormitory situations I can tell you there is a much higher percentage of bi/gay men among the population than meets the eye. And there is nothing wrong at all with that.

I'm mentioning this because although you have breached your promises to your wife, I stress to you not to feel abnormal in any way. These thoughts, feelings, desires are ...you!

We are entitled as human beings to accept ourselves as we are. Not for what some would claim as imperfections...that's not right. It is not a fault to be who you are. Its society's standards of convention that needs throwing out the window. Its getting there.

So, guilt and worry are not your friends.

Having said that, you need to work with your wife. Now. Her needs, acceptance, flexibility is her right. Whatever she decides is up to her. Period. You'll need to base your future upon such decision.

There are 3 possibilities

Remain together and suppress your gay feelings

Remain together and continue with your life as it was with your wife's acceptance

Marriage breakdown amicable or not.

People evolve. When married we cannot guarantee our future of our person. We often head off into directions we never predicted. Sad as it is for spouses when such directions are not what they thought possible, this is very much how life at times pans out.

I wish you well. Feel no guilt. But remain caring to your spouse as much as you can. It is difficult for her. Your love fir her regardless might be enough to sooth her sorrow.

I'm sure you will continue to care.

Tony WK

[Greg4]

Tony WK,

Thanks for your reply, I tend to agree with you. There are more gay and bi guys out there than "we" think. I just happen to be one among many. Life is hard when community attitudes dictate actions. Sometimes I just get so dreadfully depressed. I try to cope, I try to do all the right things. It gets me so down when I fail.

I love my wife very much and believe I'm capable of the first option. She is the world to me. I've been doing some reading, apparently 20% of mixed orientation marriages are sustainable.

I do feel enormous guilt for what I've done and put her through. Guilt for not living up to expectations. I don't think I can cope with anymore guilt. I'm doing my very best now. I'm generally feeling pretty good about myself. But I know that all can be lost with one wrong decision.

I feel anxious about the future. I just take each day as it comes.

Greg

[DrTom]

Hi Greg,

I first told my wife that I'd had sex with men when we'd been married for a year and a half, and I went and did "reparative therapy", which obviously didn't really help. All it really achieved was to drive me deeper in to the closet of self-denial, and made me pretty unhappy. Then there was some shit that went down, and the last couple of years were rocky, and finally after 15 years of being married, I finally admitted to myself that I am gay, and told my wife the next day. So in that respect our stories are a bit different, though I do know several guys who got found out one way or another. And although I've moved on, I still reflect that there was a lot of good in those 15 years. We had many good times, and I still think my ex-wife is an awesome woman, and have massive respect for her.

I understand about the self-anger and shame. Having come from the religious upbringing that I did, I think it's not terribly surprising that I ended up in the circumstances that I did. If you grow up in an environment, that for whatever reasons, tells you that being gay is not an option, and that getting married is the proper path to take, what do you expect is going to happen to people?! So I mostly don't beat myself up over how things panned out. To a certain extent, we all experience difficulty and pain at different points in our lives, so I accept the suffering being closeted inflicted on me, but I regret very much the pain it caused my ex-wife. It was the hardest thing, seeing her distressed and angry.

I knew I couldn't promise that I would never do things that might be hurtful to her if we remained together, even if I was trying my hardest. Consequently, however hard it was in the short term, I owed it to her to break up. Even though I feared being alone, and feared for her wellbeing, I knew that staying together would only make sure we were both unhappy.

Also, I realised that at the end of the day, I am not responsible for her happiness. Whether or not she is happy is ultimately up to her. Likewise, I am responsible for my own happiness, and sacrificing it in an attempt to make her happy was not being noble or generous, it was depriving us both of the opportunity to live honest and happy lives.

Having said all that, that is only my perspective from my story. You are a different man to me, and your wife a different woman to my ex-wife, so what is right for you to do, you will have to figure out.

Tom.

[Greg4]

Tom,

Wow, thanks so much for your story. Being able to share like this means a lot to me.

Last night I woke and she wasn't beside me. It plummeted me in depths of despair and depression. Had she had a bad dream, had I subconsciously done something again. In came the thoughts of when was it going to be my turn to be happy? Was I ever happy? If so, could I ever be happy again? I get so tired of feeling down! I guess I've just got to try harder!

Some days it just seems too hard!

Greg

[DrTom]

Hi Greg,

Yeah, that's hard. I remember all too well feeling and thinking those questions. I can't tell you how hard I tried, and how much I beat myself up when I didn't manage to live up to the standard I thought I should. Or rather, it was a standard that I'd grown up being told I should live up to, by people who thought (amongst other things) that being gay is an illness or a choice. You and I know that we didn't choose to be as we are.

My view on life is that we all have an equal right to happiness, and that the happiness of someone else should not come at the expense of our own. I know this might sound like selfishness, but it is not. You do have just as much right as anyone else to be happy.

When I came out to my wife, and we agreed to split up, I cried many tears. For her pain, for fear about the future, grief for the years of torment. Those tears came and went for months, and yet within days I also felt better than I can ever remember feeling. I went and stayed with some good friends who I have known for a long time (they were people we confided in when I went and tried to pray-the-gay-away), and I lived with them for a couple of months while I got myself sorted out and found a place to live. I started chatting with guys online, and met a few. I was quite open that I'd only just come out (at the age of 40) and had young kids. Before I came out, I basically knew no gay people, so I was really stepping out in to the complete unknown. What I found was that there is a whole community that is mostly invisible to the outside world. Several guys gave me their phone number, making it clear they were not hitting on me, but that if I found myself at a loss I should call them. I never needed to, and I don't even know who they are now, but that kind of caring and generosity was something I never expected to find.

I knew my ex-wife had a good network of supportive friends, and apart from things around the kids, we only had what contact was necessary for quite a while. It hurt to see her unhappy, and wrung out, but the flip side of that coin was twofold: I had to look after myself, and get myself sorted out; and whether she got through it well or not was out of my hands.

I guess I'm trying to communicate the fact that I'm glad we split up (that sounds awful!), because even though it took a couple of years, we're now both happy, and I can be pretty damn sure that if we had tried to stay together we wouldn't be.

Again, my experience. Yours may differ.

Tom.

[Greg4]

Thanks Tom I'm still battling on and trying to be happy. I still have supreme confidence that it will come and with my wife.

Greg

[DrTom]

Hi Greg,

I hope you come to understand whatever things are standing in the way of happiness for you, and that you are able to deal with them constructively. 🙂

Tom.