conflicted

[Kara01]

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

[Kara01]

Hi Lillylane & Jo I hope that you both had great weekends.

Sorry to her that "P" is still having problems with her her name change I have been told that I am very lucky to be born in Adelaide as it's the easiest state in Australia to do all of the name change etc.

So glad Lillylane that you now have found some extra support this makes me very happy for you and your partner.

It's a pity that you aren't on FACEBOOK as I have had some success in locating a support group for partners, I don't know how good it is but I have passed it onto my wife last night and she has joined up.

I will still give you the name just in case you decide that you want to join FACEBOOK to have a look at it the name of the group is: Trans Partners, Family and Friends.

Yes I will definitely keep both of you informed about how things go on Thursday and any new information I come up with.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara and Lilylane ,

Kara it would be so good to hear when you want , how your first Shine appointment is . I have been writing my journey ( think is called journalling ?). It is very helpful when you have to revisit parts of journey to tweak things a bit . xxx

Lilylane hi , support is not running yet as we are trying to work out how we can be visible to those in need and pretty much under the radar to the rest ? A work in progress . I do hope we get it there . SPOT sounds interesting . Jo got a f/b page on weekend . It is shut down in privacy section for as much anonymity as I can . Within 2 hrs of putting intro up I had replies from 2 folk in Transcendents group in Bris . So far so good but won't hesitate to shut it down if I feel uneasy . Jo's life is so very different from before , now only totally drop the guard if in very safe friendly place . Confidence is one thing but will always need to be a balance for safety out here ( sadly , minority problem ) ( most folk don't care ). Am on Wendybirds email list but have not been working in industry I did love so have only pension now . ( have my local customer but not much work there ) Fuel for Bris is significant . xxx

Love and peace to you both , Jo&LD xxx❤🐾💃🌈

[Kara01]

Good morning Jo & Lillylane I wish I had some good news to report about yesterday but unfortunately I don't.

I attended my appointment as planned to find out that the person I was booked to see was off on sick leave and I should have been notified, which I wasn't.

Then while I was waiting to see what was going to happen I was told that there wasn't an appointment in the system for me.

At this point I was totally crushed inside I was melting down at a million miles an hour. I didn't get upset or angry I just had to accept the situation. They said they would sort something out and get back to me.

When I got back to my car I just fell apart and couldn't stop crying and shaking I was having trouble breathing.

I went back to work and tried to keep working but I was an emotional wreck. I called one of my support people and talked with here for awhile but I couldn't go back to work so I left and went to meet with her so we could talk face to face. After a couple of hours I felt much better and went home.

Later in the day I received a phone call about a new appointment which is planned for the 3rd of August but yet to be confirmed.

So I am now putting a new plan together to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist to get things under way.

Thanks again both of you for your support and love but unfortunately back to square one.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , I am sorry this has happened , specially at this time . You are quite a way past square 1 so don't second guess anything you were feeling before this devastating news yesterday .

I feel that you sometimes have to steer , and organising a psychologist asap would not hurt ❤

Not sure of wait time in cities ? Keep both threads going . ( Shine & whatever you can organize ) That way should expedite the process . What does shine offer ? Do they organise or have gender clinic/doctors ?

We are here , and you have face to face which I understand is so very important as I don't have that here . Have to travel 500 km to see my nearest trans friend that I know .

Difficult as it seems Kara , relax and get as much rest as you can xxxx

Lol from the never never , Jo

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane, yes it was a very disappointing day I certainly had a much more positive attitude at the beginning of the day in comparison to how I felt at the end of the day.

It feels like I am being tested as to how much am I prepared to take to achieve my transition goals.

If this is the best that the world can through at me, I am going beet the failures of the system and come out an incredible transgender woman.

My new plan includes a whole range of phycologists etc and am seeing my GP tomorrow to get all of the referrals I need to enable me to move forward.

Definitely going to keep all avenues open with Shine and my new options that my support group has put me onto.

I hope things keep moving forward for both of you.

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara and Jo,

Kara, I’m sorry to hear of your appointment not happening on Thursday. It would’ve been so disappointing. I hope they can arrange something quickly for you.

I’m hoping your GP is supportive and can help with referrals in the meantime.

My P came out to her work bosses in the last week. It’s gone very well so far - they are so supportive. A huge relief.

Lots of hugs,
lillylane

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & Lilylane ,

Kara I felt your disappointment but was stuck for words . Sometimes there are no words . Only f to f hugs ! We are always with you ❤xxxxx v' hugs

Am over the moon Lilylane for you & P . That is a yoke gone xxxx ❤ hugs

Love to you both , Jo&LD xxxxx

[Kara01]

Hi lillylane so happy for you and "P" this be a great relief for both of you.

My GP has been fantastic with her support for me and has provided me with all of the referrals I need to move forward just going be how quickly I get an appointment with the psychiatrist so I can get a formal diagnosis of GD which will mean I can then contact the endocrinologist to hopefully get to start HRT.

Finally succumbed to my sleep problem finally started taking melotin, had my first uninterrupted nights sleep in months.

Kara

[Kara01]

Hi Jo, this will not deter me one little bit I am a very strong and proud transgender woman who will keep getting back every time I get knocked down and will come back stronger every time.

Definitely disappointed but never beaten got over it as soon as we put a new plan together which I will act upon tomorrow morning by trying to book an appointment with the psychiatrist. No Idea what the wait time will be but I need this before I can book with my endocrinologist.

Tough week coming up as I telling my mother next Sunday as our relationship has gotten very bad because I haven't been able to tell her anything and she keeps criticizing everything I do and we are constantly arguing with me about everything I am doing or not doing. It been bad between us for a while I need to inform her so she can hopefully understand what I have been living with most of my life.

Low expectations on how she will react but you never know, not hopeful as can't even accept one her nieces who changed her name.

I will keep in touch as thing develop over next week, one big piece of news I expecting when I do my weekly weigh in that I will be under 100kgs.

Kara

[Kara01]

Dam 7 day snap lockdown in SA. House bound.

Hopefully not longer as phycologist appointment in 10 days.

Kara