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Community Member

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

211 Replies 211

Hi Kara01, 

We are so sorry to hear that you are stuggling at the moment, it sounds like you are going through some really tough experiences with your relationships and identity. We want to thank you for coming and sharing your story on the forums, it is a really brave step to take. 

We think it could be useful for you to talk to someone about how you are feeling and so we have a few great resources for you to check out below. There are phonelines + web chat services so you can choose what feels best for you. You can also have a look around the forums and join discussions with others if you feel comfortable. 

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
QLife 1800 184 527
Lifeline 13 11 14

BeyondBlue (1pm - Midnight) https://online.beyondblue.org.au/Webmodules/chat/InitialInformation.aspx
QLife (3pm - Midnight) 
Lifeline (7pm - Midnight)

Thank you again Kara01 for coming to the forums for support. Please feel free to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable - you are always welcome.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

Community Member

Thank you Sophie for your kind reassuring words I will look into these options the only issue I have at the moment is being able to make contact to discuss my situation as I don't won't my wife to find out just yet as I am terrified what it would do her as I don't think her or my family will be very understanding of how I have felt all of my life.

I will just have to wait until an opportunity occurs to allow me the time to make contact when I am allow.

Hi there

I wonder whether you could also google how to have the conversation? I imagine there would be some resources out there. Just remember to delete your browser history. Also suggest there are probably some support groups you could connect with when the time comes.

All the best, Katy

Thanks for the suggestion Katy I will definitely look at all options to try and minimise the pain that this will cause.

She's a good person and i just want to try and make it as least painful as possible for her.

I am thinking of starting a conversation with family doctor and see what happens from there.

Hi Kara01, 

A discussion with your doctor is a wonderful place to begin as well. Congratulations on beginning this journey and thank you again for being brave enough to share this experience on the forums. Please remember to check back in with how you are going if you feel comfortable doing so.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

Community Member

Well I have made the appointment to see my family doctor in a couple of weeks so I have taken the first step on this journey but unfortunately my anxiety has now gone through the roof as I wait for the date to roll around.

Trying to keep occupied to keep my mind off things but having a hard time to stay focused at work.

I am trying keep stress levels down but every time a look at my wife I feel like I am about to betray her and destroy 39 years of marriage I feel I am being selfish with what I am doing but my mental health is damaged badly from years and years of denial and suppressing my true self I have always been Kara inside even if not on the outside.

I have started looking at pictures on the internet of women my age just try to imagine how I would look after my transition.

I have a female family member who I might reach out to after seeing my doctor as she has a bi-sexual daughter and talk to her as I need to find some support some where to talk this out before I proceed further.

Community Member

Hello Kara01,

It sounds like you have already given your approach to your family a lot of thought, you have already described how you have always felt, that you love and appreciate your spouse and all your family. That this isn't about trying to hurt anyone else, this is something that is true about who you are and you feel you are finally ready in yourself to accept and become physically that person.

Your friends and family are exactly that, it has taken you a while to get your head and heart around who you are. When you talk with them let them take some time to process and understand that the person isn't changing, just the shell, like changing from a pair of jeans to a skirt.

Establishing some connections within the support communities and your doctor will also help as there will be other people with very similar stories about their life experiences.

You can be concerned about the your family, that is part of loving them, but they love you as well and staying in your current form is damaging you.

I hope this has helped.


Community Member

Thank you Helarctus for your kind words of support this has been a very troubling time for me and hearing other voices of support make me feel much better. I know that this journey won't be an easy one as there will be many bumps along the way and hopefully with the right people around me to provide support and help me get through this so I can come out the other side who I have always felt I was inside.

I hope I don't loose too many people from my life but I know there some who won't support my decision and that will be their loss not mine.

I think of this like being in a car crash and being physically scared no one would stop loving because of how I look but there will be those who can't accept the physical change, but who I am in essence remains unchanged.

It's just another layer of who I am and of who I need to be.

Community Member

Hello Kara01,

You are right, if some people are not able to process the change and they choose to separate themselves that will be their loss as you move on to become a happier and healthier you.