conflicted

[Kara01]

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane hope you are both well.

Well I have had a talk with my wife about me moving forward with my transition. She understands my need to explore clothes hair & makeup as I feel the need to find my own style and become comfortable with my appearance.

She's okay with doing these things but she's asked that I don't do it for now when she's home as she's not comfortable with the idea of seeing me just yet as my authentic self and may never be.

I also started laser hair removal last weekend on my legs, another new experience for me but after electrolysis not big deal regarding pain.

We also discussed my relationship status on Facebook as due to recent discussions about my need for intimacy which she said she can't and won't provide me with so I have updated my status to single.

She's okay with this and told that all expects me to do is let her know if I find someone that I connect with.

Today first medical appointment with Shine so slowly moving forward.

Tomorrow another big day as my son is taking his youngest son to the gender clinic at the Women's and Children's Hospital as he could be transgender, so another big event in my life.

Hugh hugs

Kara

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane hope you both are well.

As we know my transition journey hasn't been easy. I a 24 hour period I had my appointment with psychologist rescheduled 3 times.

I don't think I will ever bother with telehealth appointments as booed 4 and only ever had 1.

None us ever know what is coming at us next this week I have had my 10 year old grandchild diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

The mother is trying to do everything to support her child but y son won't accept this is real because he's never seen it. So we as a family have another struggle to deal with.

I did have my first appointment last week with the doctors at shine and will be moving all of medical needs to them so that I am only dealing with one GP who is also a gender specialist. My next appointment is on the 9 of September.

Big hugs to both.

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara,

Goodness, so much happening for you - I don’t know where to start!

Glad things with Shine are moving forward for you.

Hopefully your wife will gradually get used to seeing you in different clothes to what she was used to. I remember in the early days it seemed ‘strange’ to see P shave her legs and ask me loads of questions about makeup... but that seems a long time ago... Now, certainly can’t ‘go back’ to thinking of P as anything other than female.

P and I also miss the cuddles and intimacy we once had. We generally hug hello and goodbye. It’s tough, it really is - I hear you. Not entirely sure for us what the solution is yet.

I admire that you and your wife are talking openly about all this though.

I’m sure it will help your grandchild to know they are not the only one in the family who knows what gender dysphoria is like. Big hugs Kara, I imagine this may bring up a lot of feelings for you about your own journey. I hope the gender clinic is helpful for them.

Thank you Kara for sharing your progress and feelings with us xx I much appreciate that we can openly share here.

Hugs to you and Jo (and anyone else reading!)

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & LL , hugs for both of you ❤

I can't begin to imagine how this constant set back scenario has affected you mental health Kara . All I can say is we are here and send hugs and hope that eases your feelings and strengthens your resolve . You are getting there ! ( to where you belong ). Much love and care from the never never xxxx ❤

LL , thank you for sharing to , I once again can only guess as to what and how you & P are feeling as you traverse this landscape you have around you . ( huge care ❤ ) Once again , always here for you to .

I have friends in Brisbane and they are at the beginning of your journey and very much in love but struggling and I wanted to know if I could direct them to you . Would that be to much for you ? They're not aware of bb forums & I wanted to know how you would feel on this matter ? Totally in your court beautiful brave human .

Huge bundles of love and hugs to both of you from the never never , Jo& LD ❤

[Kara01]

Hi Lillylane yes it's been a exciting journey so far with all of the ups and downs.

Big things coming up about to hopefully go shopping for my new wardrobe this weekend going out with one of my girlfriends very excited also a bit nervous but she's assured me that where we are going are very understanding of my needs.

I have also spoken with my niece who works for a major makeup chain about getting my makeup sorted with training and buying the right things,

I am struggling with fathers day coming up on Sunday as I am still dealing with a lot of resentment from my adult children. It may or may not happen if they can't cope with me, were having issues right now that they won't discuss with me.

I am only concerned about getting to see my grandchildren but again it's up to my children if they allow me see them.

Unfortunately my wife has made it clear though she supports my need to present as my true self, she's unable to see me present as Kara. So for the time being once I have my new clothes I just need to let her know if I am intending to dress on any given day and she will go out until I have finished.

I wish that I could talk with her about makeup etc but she's not ready to provide that type of support right now.

At least it's a compromise that allows me to keep moving forward with my journey.

The reality is that my friends most probably will see me before she will, but that's how she wants it for now.

Big hugs

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & LL

Still here and reading . Kara , bumpy as it has been you have peers to talk with and go shopping with . How cool . Peers are so very important always but specially at this time . ❤

I went in to only opshop in big town 130 east and was alone . At lunch time it filled with couples of properties and I had to leave as not enough confidence to shop in ladies section ? Needed a hand with sizing ?

LL , how are you now & has your health got back near normal . I have felt emotionally drained so many times on this journey . Do look after LL . xxxx ❤

Much love , Jo xxxx

[Kara01]

Hi Jo I too tried to do a shopping trip to an OP shop my own and very similar experience had to leave and just felt I wasn't ready.

I have spent time with my community and have their support for my first shopping trip on Saturday.

I have also set up my first makeup session in October with my niece who works for one of the major outlets in Adelaide and have a girlfriend offered to come with me just to support me.

In between I will be exploring my first wig purchase which is a really big deal.

I don't know how I would have coped without the support around me as I feeling very isolated right now without my family but hope in time that will change.

The biggest issue right now is supporting my grandchild who has been diagnosed with GD and they are only 10 years old.

I just keep trying to move forward with all of medical and mental health issues that come with transitioning.

Lillylane I also hope your health is on the improve.

Big hugs

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & LL ,

Kara the confidence comes ( different paces for different people I guess ) in baby steps , I think peer support is so very very important . Your journey is far more complicated than mine but you have access to peers . I still only have 1 friend and she is a long long way away and off line any way at present . The questions can wait for me but I really need company and hugs . I know for me thats what " I " need but it simply is not there at this time . Try not to undervalue your peers . ❤

Lilylane , how are you sweetheart ? It is my greatest wish you are all getting there and happiness is surrounding you all . Hugs and very best wishes from the never never , ❤❤❤

Jo&LD

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane I hope that both of you are well.

Well last Saturday was a milestone day for me as I went clothes shopping with two of my friends.

The whole experience was a total success the staff at the shops we went to couldn't have been more understanding and helpful they were able to select everything I wanted to try on and they picked my size the first time round.

I went in with a totally confident attitude and was open with the staff and told them that I was a transgender woman early in my transition journey and everyone of them were excited for me and very respectful which put me at ease.

I had done my homework before I went there so I knew what I liked already and it was just a matter of trying on the clothes and finding out if I liked them or not. In the end I purchased a beautiful black floral print wrap dress and a denim jacket.

We then went off to the outlet stores and was able to purchase a pair of nude colour sandals that went perfectly with the dress. I couldn't get all of the shoes I wanted but when I got home I purchased them on line.

I am looking forward to Wednesday night as I am home on my own and will be able to try everything and spend some time as my true self.

On Sunday I going to a friends house for lunch but because it's a safe place for me I will be able to dress again in my new clothes.

On the 18th September I am going in have my first wig fitting which is very exciting and on the 2nd of October I have my makeup session with my niece.

I am just building my confidence slowly and working towards that first time I walk outside of my safe place and present my self to my circle of friends,

I will keep you both up to date as thing develop as I have my second appointment with Shine this Thursday afternoon.

Big hugs

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara and Jo,

The biggest hugs to you both. I’m still here with you and appreciate your friendship very much.

I’m back at work which is good, but I get tired quickly. Early nights have been essential lately.

Ladies’ clothing sizes can be annoyingly inconsistent between brands - as P found out! She found places online with good return policies, which helped when she was not yet comfortable shopping in store.

Jo, you mentioned a couple you know going through similar situation... Hope they are doing ok - I will have a little think and get back to you on this, hope that’s ok.

LL xx