Being punished by dad.

[Gruffudd]

My father has many ways of upsetting me, but always manages to surprise. Here is another one. He has given the apartment in Queensland to my brother, who has been such a good boy being married with children and all. And because he spends money on the credit cards before he earns it (despite being paid double what I am) he is so terribly poor. In comparison I look well off even though I am priced out of living in the city. Father tells me I should be happy for him. I was after all, warned to get married or be out of the will.

I am glad to have followed my grandmothers advice and to be independent of any man including my father. It shouldn't, but it does still upset me when he does these things.

[blondguy]

Hello Rob, having the huge heart you do it broke mine to see you have been threatened by a parent with their will as I have. This can be soul destroying and unfortunatley I had to let my dad go a few years ago as I was being bullied and manipulated the same. My health really improved.

you are too special and gentle a person for this neanderthal bullying.

Big Hugs Rob

Paul

[Gruffudd]

Well, like most things it's fine after a few days.

I was thinking. So much has changed around men like dad, it might just be a bit confusing. It is just a thing to know when I should steer clear of it. There is the other sides to him as well, so like most families it is complicated.

Rob.

[blondguy]

Sorry Rob...I just felt your pain...and as you say it does 'vaporize' after a few days.

Steering clear of it is a smart idea. I do love my dad but when he started 'waving his will' in front me when I was a kid it broke my heart. He is ill now and I am helping him....as his memory is dissipating (dementia) daily big time.

He had lost this 'macho' type A' controlling persona and is now talking with kindness and caring. There is always a bonus. Its just late which makes me sad Rob

Paul

[Gruffudd]

That is all the complicated stuff right there. Like the other Paul said, the mean things have the power because we do care about the person saying them, but then there is another side, being gay I appreciate the people who stick around because not everyone has. All relationships have the unfortunate things. When grandmother got dementia she became so mean that it was comical. There is a sense in which dad has been doing the same thing for most of my life. One of those moments when he suggested we go for dinner, when I arrived there was a "mail order bride" there... it was awkward. He means well.

[blondguy]

Oh Rob...awkward is an understatement...you are more gracious than I would be...I do understand that he ment well. I keep getting 'reminded' that my cousin is flying a 737-400 in Europe and how (my dad) wishes I was as 'successful'....It never ends.....He means well.

[Gruffudd]

The success that matters is not measured by other people. I can't live up to those expectations. I don't want to either. I'm still in touch with my mail order bride, she is married to the boy she had a crush on in high school, I've seen the photo and totally understand. She would tell me that her mother told her that the only thing that matters is integrity, you are not flying a plane Paul, you are caring for a dad who might be in a spot of bother without you - that matters just as much and isn't the only thing to be proud of.

[blondguy]

(hugs) and thankyou for your wisdom Rob...(and my other friend Paul) Your words and counsel are gold to me. I need it x

[gibby3794]

I get what you mean but in a different aspect (i will start off with the positive) my mum and dad were both supportive when i came out, but thats where the support from dad stops, i currently have a full time job own my own car (1993 falcon, nothing flash but its 100% roadworthy not much damage and mechanically perfect, and have my full licence) i am currently trying to get my own place with a few friends and move out of mums house (mum and dad have been split up for like 18 yrs or something like that) and have a bit of savings only $1k so not much but its something and am always helping others in any way i can, and to dad it isnt good enough, there is always some way he has to put me down, by mentioning the dent in my front quater panel for example, i went to his house feeling happy i finally had a decent car and left feeling like crap about it, and he had a whine abiut the money i owed him and that i could buy a car whilst i owed him money (i needed the car as my old one only had a few weeks left to live at that point) and i have since paid the money back that i owe him, even that he was "oh thanks i was just kidding every time i said i wanted the money back"

But his gf's son doesnt have a job at all and doesnt want one, wrote their car off a few weeks ago, owes them heaps of money (way more than i did) and is always roaming the town causing trouble and there is always excuses made for him, same as my brother, only works casually doesnt have nor want to get a licence or move out or anything and again always excuses being made for him, as much as i want to ignore it, it does hurt knowing im never good enough... and he is the same with my youngest brother and sister he doesnt have much to do with them either, id like to know what makes a parent gush over 1 child that is theirs and 1 that isnt even theirs and ignore the rest that are their blood, its beyond me

[white knight]

Hi Gibby.

As a straight guy I'm following this thread eagerly as part if my self driven desire to understand LGBTI issues. But some topics I can help a little.

Some sons can't do a thing wrong in their mother's eyes. I was a step dad to two step sons (two separate relationships with their mothers) and regardless, they were untouchable. That would place your dad in a situation of friction with his gf.

I wrote an article about "wit" I think it is when googled Topic: wit the only answer for torment- beyondblue

It depicts wit as a means to - nip things in the bud quickly. Eg your dad criticises your car "but I own it". He mentions the dent in the panel " but to get it fixed won't make it more economical" and so on. Its even better if you can predict his comments. Eg he said he wasn't serious about the money being paid back..."great dad, because I took the comments seriously, I had no reason not to".

Summing up, at your age many around you get tempted by flash cars and the debt it brings. You have every reason to be proud.

I think sometimes putting someone down elevates others. Doesn't make it acceptable.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hi Gibby, I just read your post with admiration. The 1993 Falcon is a great car, I had one as a fleet vehicle when they were brand new. If I was your dad I would be mega proud of you and what you stand for. Great post. Dont change anything. Your attitude is exemplary.

Paul