Discovering my gender, what am I?

[Gruffudd]

I dont have the answer yet and would love some help from my trans and genderqueer brothers and sisters.

I was assigned boy when I was born. That has never quite been comfortable for me, like I have always been something in the middle or maybe a girl. Being uncomfortably honest confusion, doubt, and fear has gotten me to avoid or lie about this. One day a few years ago I got to that sinking feeling that this was a thing and decided I'd better settle for genderqueer. Mostly that seems fine.

I was thinking back on the happiest times in my life. One of them was when I was a little girl, around the age of 10. I had moved town and managed to wear a dress to school most days and enjoyed playing houses with my friends (all girls), at that time I was playing netball as Goal Defence and quite good at it. Most people accepted me as Robin and didn't seem to mind. Then over the next year things started changing. I had my first boyfriend and learned that there were some differences and prejudices I hadn't been aware of before. It was around then I got caught and had to wear the boys uniform again.

Its funny that no matter how many times I moved school the kids knew other kids who knew about Robin and bullied with that story. That pushed it deeper and brought out the doubt, confusion, and fear. I liked other boys and whilst it was not made comfortable at least people understood what gay was and accepted that I could be that.

Then the damage done by hormones happened, they turned me physically into a man, It's harder to figure this out now that has happened. Can I be comfortable with being a man who has a genderqueer identity and just does man in a different more neutral or feminine way? Perhaps, but that is not what I feel my body is when my eyes are closed. This isn't about a physical transition for me it is more about learning to be comfortable in my own self.

I know that so many in my life would dismiss or not believe that this is part of me.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense.

Rob.

[white knight]

Hi Rob

It must have been so difficult in puberty. I can recall that period also. The changes from a boy to a man physically I couldn't find easy. For you it would have been fearful.

Acceptance, we all have to accept ourselves for who we are. I too find that difficult and I'm without such sexual complexities.

I hope you are OK

Tony WK

[Paul]

Hi Rob,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, I felt it was a bit difficult at time as you explored and wrote that post. I'm sure you know you have friends here who know and see you and experience you as just Rob no further labels attached.

Having said that I have met you and "seen" the male physical you, but I don' t know much about the female you. Are you happy to elaborate further and perhaps share the nuance of feeling female and having a body that says "male"?

Also I have gotten the impression that there's a fluctuation between feeling a bit more female and a bit more male sometimes - have I observed that correctly?

Paul x

[Gruffudd]

Thanks Paul,

I really appreciate the way most people let me be who I am, just Rob. That happens here on Beyond Blue and in the big wide world.

You are right gender varies for me probably between female (for the want of a better word) which I find vulnerable and scary and being ambivalent about the whole thing which I do most of the time. Gender is only one part of who we are, so I often manage fairly successfully to avoid and ignore my own. Others can read what they like into my appearance and usually do.

When I close my eyes I am not male, I don't have a male body (it's sort of androgynous), in my dreams it is that way, also when awake, I notice my reflection and can take a moment or two to figure out who it is. It is hard to explain those confused moments when I know on one level that I looking at my reflection but someone else is there looking back. The same thing happens quite often with my hands and arms, my legs, all of me really.

You know the old internalised homophobia thing, where you have taken in the messages that you are heterosexual which is "good" and then, you realise to your horror that you are not, because of the implications of all that on the future. That happened for me in Primary School. Trans People were not on the radar then. I think what is going on here is a version of that homophobia but around gender, the implications of that, and the future.

I don't know how to do male and never have, I've tried but it is fake and doesn't work for me, it wears me out. I think female isn't ever going to be congruent with my body so that wont work for me either, and apart from some happy schooldays I have never done that. I guess thats why genderqueer, some days I'm a butch dyke trapped inside a mans body. Other days I'm the same little boy, Robbie, before all this growing up thing happened and everyone got obsessed with sex and gender.

I'd really rather not be thinking about any of this and just be a boy, but I have a feeling that if I can muddle my way though and accept it for what it is, I will be happier and healthier, and might be happier to live.

I feel like that is all a bit confusing and hard to navigate.

Rob.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Maybe the biggest problem is that you feel you have to pick one and run with it, when your gender identity is fluid. It's a hard thing to tune out the concepts of "normal" being bandied about, the need to categorise and pigeonhole everything. Realistically though, there are so many aspects of gender identity in our society that are utterly arbitrary. There was a time when it was the men who wore stockings and frills, after all. So little of it has anything to do with things genuinely attached to gender - one's physical body and sexual/reproductive function (not even orientation). What we wear, who does the cooking, what sort of job we have. Meh. Why does it even matter?

I guess I'm lucky in that I'm content with the body I have and am conveniently straight, but I have always been perplexed by gender norms beyond that. When I was a kid, I was quite the tomboy, and yet my mother would insist on dressing me in skirts and nicknamed me "Frilly" of all things. I couldn't fathom why she did that, when I wanted to wear pants and climb trees and she couldn't have thrown a nickname at me any further from who I was. And as an adult, I still find those gender norms unfathomable. I'm the one who fixed my own car and took financial responsibility in relationships, and holds doors for people. I'm the one who can't stand sappy love stories and would rather nerd out. I identify as female, but I identify with men. And I don't see why it matters. Never did.

I wish I had better advice for you. Being comfortable in your own body and identity is important. Maybe spend some time in front of the mirror and try and just see what is there, without assigning gender to it. Acknowledge your physical form for what it is and try and see the beauty in it for itself without all the random crap that is expected of someone with a male body. We all have eyes, see them as just eyes, not a man's eyes, or a woman's eyes. Same with ears, nose, hands, whatever. In all except reproductive organs, there is so little difference, really. There are women with big hands or hairy legs, or breasts so tiny you'd hardly know they were breasts. There are men with petite frames, who can't grow a beard to save themselves, or have high voices. There's not really a set thing, there are exceptions to so many of the norms, so why feel like your face or your hands or your legs have to define your gender identity? They really don't.

[Just Sara]

Hey Blue's Clue's, Rob, Tony WK and Paul,

Firstly I want to say this thread is one of the most interesting I've read.

BC; Your words so resonate with me it's scary. Things aren't as clear as mud anymore. It helped me to understand some of the confusion going on with gender identity and preferences in partners. The whole thread has.

Rob; your story was touching, sad and happy at the same time. Like you, at times I identified as a boy in a girls body growing up. I played on the boys soccer team (man of the match), played football and brought a motor bike when I was 22. It all seemed so normal. At other times I donned a dress without issue and played with dolls, then was wonder-struck when I received a Mechano Set for Xmas and built amazing structures for hrs. I took on a female persona as a matter of course, but sometimes I'd fantasize about having a penis and breasts as well. Being a tom-boy is more socially accepted; I feel for you in this respect, especially the taunting you received.

Tonight I browsed a same sex dating site for the 1st time. I came across someone who's photo made me smile and become excited. Their profile was near perfect and they're close enough to take a (packed lunch) trip to meet. I haven't been able to sleep.

I never thought I'd ever be able to 'want' intimacy again, let alone go after it. But the time I've spent alone getting to know me away from prying eyes, has allowed me to come out of my shell and; be accepting of it.

I thought I had to identify as being one or the other, Bi or some other label. But what I see here, is that a 'scale' might be better in my case (like your mood chart) I've touched on this issue a while ago but it was more about trauma and gender; nature vs nurture stuff. Thankyou Paul for your insight back then.

Tonight, nature or not, I felt comfortable thinking about being with a woman, and that's liberating.

Hugs...Dizzy x

[Paul]

Hey Rob,

I hope you've been well.

I'm reflecting on when I met you at our champions conference.

I experienced the following;

Rob: A person who is lovely and kind, softly spoken and thoughtful in an attractive male body

Robbie: Cheeky, playful and giggly. At a few points the three of us at the table had quite a naughty giggle and it was almost like the three of us WERE kids again.

Rob's female identity: A nurturing, gentle and womanly persona sometimes presented where we were asked for feedback and your responses seem to come from a different part of you than some others.

If I now blend the three and remove the labels, you're just Rob.I think you really are living your now three dimensional "you".

I wonder if it has become so regular for you to just be who you are that it might feel like you're not just because you have Robert arms or legs. I see you as "Just Rob" the three dimensional person male, female and a playful child.

Sometimes I think we can't see our expression of gender to remind us that our body might say one thing but we really ARE living who we are across multiple dimensions. Sometimes three if you add a cheeky playful and awesome kid breaking through the adult and expressing himself at times.

Paul

[Kazzl]

Hi Rob. As the other naughty kid at that table I agree with what Paul has said. And for me, gender had nothing to do with anything - I just loved you instantly. 😊

I want to thank you for this thread and for sharing your experiences. It can't have been an easy thing to do. I won't ever fully understand what it's like to be confused about gender (for me it's one of the few things I'm not confused about haha) but I want to and need to understand the pain and fear and discrimination that goes with questioning your identity. Reading about your experiences has made the issues for trans and genderqueer folks much more real for me, and I'm grateful for that.

xxxx

[Gruffudd]

Thankyou Dizzy, that gives me a little hope, perhaps I'll be brave enough to try dating again.

So Paul, I think I am comfortable with all the different versions of me as a whole on a good day, I can live with it. (you are quite generous in your explanation of me, thanks)

On a bad day the feelings, the paradox of gender, all that stuff is overwhelming. The different perspectives I read indicate to me that perhaps the idea of substance dualism might have to be experienced to really be understood, I'm not sure though.

This thread started on a bad day. Today, a good day, I am physically a boy, mentally a girl, and express myself as a bit of a mixture. And it mostly works.

The thing that helps most is to be amongst a diverse group of people, not to be the only queer in the village, but also to be amongst people who are different to me, and for difference to be celebrated.

Rob.

[Paul]

Hey Rob,

I'm sure I've only scratched the surface of what it's like to live with a paradox of gender and for those bad days to overwhelm and amplify some of the feelings that cause confusion and upset.

If you're having one of those days, please don't forget to vent here - as you did.

Paul xx