Discovering my gender, what am I?

[Gruffudd]

I dont have the answer yet and would love some help from my trans and genderqueer brothers and sisters.

I was assigned boy when I was born. That has never quite been comfortable for me, like I have always been something in the middle or maybe a girl. Being uncomfortably honest confusion, doubt, and fear has gotten me to avoid or lie about this. One day a few years ago I got to that sinking feeling that this was a thing and decided I'd better settle for genderqueer. Mostly that seems fine.

I was thinking back on the happiest times in my life. One of them was when I was a little girl, around the age of 10. I had moved town and managed to wear a dress to school most days and enjoyed playing houses with my friends (all girls), at that time I was playing netball as Goal Defence and quite good at it. Most people accepted me as Robin and didn't seem to mind. Then over the next year things started changing. I had my first boyfriend and learned that there were some differences and prejudices I hadn't been aware of before. It was around then I got caught and had to wear the boys uniform again.

Its funny that no matter how many times I moved school the kids knew other kids who knew about Robin and bullied with that story. That pushed it deeper and brought out the doubt, confusion, and fear. I liked other boys and whilst it was not made comfortable at least people understood what gay was and accepted that I could be that.

Then the damage done by hormones happened, they turned me physically into a man, It's harder to figure this out now that has happened. Can I be comfortable with being a man who has a genderqueer identity and just does man in a different more neutral or feminine way? Perhaps, but that is not what I feel my body is when my eyes are closed. This isn't about a physical transition for me it is more about learning to be comfortable in my own self.

I know that so many in my life would dismiss or not believe that this is part of me.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense.

Rob.

[Just Sara]

Hi Rob;

I know this thread is a little old, but it emphasises what I've been going through. I saw my psych today and 'came out' in the open. She was thrilled and we spoke of gender identity.

She used the term 'Gender Fluid'. It describes how each person ebb's and flow's through a scale from day to day. We also talked about accepting those changes as normal and just going with it. It seems I've been trying to develop a female identity when I really wanted to be the tom-boy I grew up as. Acceptance has bought me out in the open; not to others but to myself. I'm so happy.

I thought of you today. You've been so great for me Rob. My journey to self discovery couldn't have happened without your input. I hope you can find self acceptance and process as I'm beginning to.

I've stopped asking 'why' and analysing things to death. Living in the moment and teaching myself to stop dwelling on the past and other people's problems. It's liberating.

Being selfish has it's benefits!

Love you guys...Dizzy x

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Dizzy,

I like the idea of fluidity as a description. I first learned about it at a university conference in Adelaide in 1999. I think it is a big change from asking why? to, in my case, what?

For those of us who don't want to identify as male or female the census this year has options. If you are doing it online there is a number to ring and they will give you the link to another version that has the room for other responses, or on the paper form you can leave the answers blank and write your own. It's a rather nice development.

I think genderqueer is still the best way to describe me. Trans doesn't fit comfortably. Fluid is not quite it either but certainly describes some days.

A little celebration for you today Dizzy, good to see you taking this journey in your own way and in your own time.

Rob.