Am I broken, just wanting a friend

[Learningtofeel]

I am in my 40's, teenage son and married 20 years to the most amazing woman. Told my wife 6 months ago of my childhood sexual abuse from age 9-16, at the hands of my mum's friend, enduring horrific levels of sexual abuse hundreds and hundreds of times. My wife was the first person I ever told, she so was so amazing and never showed any signs of judgement. I shared with my wife about 3 weeks ago that I think I am bisexual. For me this is me being honest with myself for the first time that I could be attracted to another male, either physically, sexually or emotionally. My wife was very supportive and understanding (even offering me a hall pass to explore) however my commitment to her is 100% as solid as the day I made it. Even if I found myself attracted to another male or female, I would not act on this, as my commitment to her is paramount. What I am looking for is a friend, maybe someone who is also bi, to discuss this stuff with, someone to share with, seek validation and have honest conversations with, where I don't feel like I need to be cautious or fear of judgement.

[Learningtofeel]

I told my mum of the abuse about 8 weeks ago, it didn't go very well and have felt unloved and unsupported by the person that should care. I am so lucky to have my wife and a single support person. But this person doesn't know about the Bi sexual bit. I don't think he would understand.

As above, I am really just looking for someone to chat with, maybe another survivor of CSA who also is Bi.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Learningtofeel

I would like to welcome you to the forum, & congratulations for making your post here.  It couldn't have been easy to do.

It's difficult to know who to trust with some of our most painful thoughts & feelings, with such horrific memories you have - I can't really imagine.

I'm neither male, bi or have had hundreds of such experiences during my own childhood.

It wasn't until I was in my late 20' / early 30s, (I can't remember), before I ever told anyone of my own experiences. & I told the wrong person, then another wrong person, & even telling my father & one who had abused me the most, was a wrong choice, except I learned that they couldn't understand or feel any empathy.

Eventually, I've talked to my psychiatrist. That went a lot better - no judgement, just open ears & the space to talk.

That's what we're about here on BB. This is a safe place, which we try to keep safe for everyone who may read what we have to say.

There's a wide range of people here, who welcome each other into some part of their lives.

I want to state clearly:

You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel guilty for, none of the abuse was your fault, you did nothing wrong. 

Every time you have doubts about this, I want you to remember these words:

You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel guilty for, none of the abuse was your fault, you did nothing wrong.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Oh, I should have also said, Learningtofeel, you are not broken either. You've shown your courage to speak out, & to reach out, which says to me, you are still in one piece, feeling your wounds, & wanting to heal. How is that broken?

Hugzies

mmMekitty, who is also, some twenty odd years older than you, not married, with no kids, & if anything, I'm asexual these days, & barely think my gender matter to me too.

... still able to listen.

[Learningtofeel]

Thank you for the kind words. I will remember the words you shared. I really love my wife and she has been such a massive support to me. My single support person is a legend, he is 20 younger than me, he is the total opposite of everything I stand for, but has a kind soul and has been a great friend.

However what I think I missing is being able to meet and chat with other survivors and/or someone who is married, committed to their marriage, yet has bi sexual feelings.

I need to ensure I don't Push my wife away wanting to talk about this stuff, but being true to my own feelings and desires .

1. Thx for lsitening