Gender Clinic appointment - Starting T?

[...Gekota]

Hey, before I get into it I just thought I’d give some context Im 15 (soon 16) and transmasc. Thankfully my parents are amazing and incredibly supportive (for most of it)

I have recently found out i finally got an appointment at the gender clinic. I am very very happy about this as for so long when I was closeted it felt like a dream that was so far out of reach. Lately I’ve been thinking a LOT about transitioning and it’s really getting to me. I’ve told my parents I would wait until I’m 18 because that’s what they wanted but everyday I just feel more and more dysphoric and more like I want to start T sooner. I am a very indecisive person and I will never be sure of any decision I make no matter what but if I start on a low dose and it turns out it’s not right for me I know I can stop and I know I won’t regret any changes that it has made. 

I’ve spent so many years living as a girl and I know it kind of sounds selfish but I really want to live the few years of childhood I have left as a boy like properly you know? I hate myself. No matter how good my day has been I will always hate myself and I so badly want to finally be able to see myself and think “I’m okay” I don’t need to love myself that’s unrealistic for me I just want comfort in my human suit that I have to wear for the rest of my life.

while saying that I am afraid going on T won’t make me feel any better about myself but if so I know I will stop and I know it won’t make me feel worse about myself. I want to feel like I can live and I know I could wait till 18 like safely but I don’t want to keep living like this. I am miserable every time I see myself it ruins everything it’s like “oh… a girl”. 

My parents have been very adamant that they don’t want me to transition till I’m 18 as they don’t want it to feel like they are responsible especially since coming out to them I know I can survive till 18. And I completely understand why they feel that way. I have heard that if you’re 16 you can take this test to see if you’re competent in order to choose for yourself about HRT. I don’t want to disappoint my parents anymore I love them so much. I just want to be free from all this pain that I cannot shake no matter what I do or how I feel. Most teenagers who start HRT it’s life or death. I know it won’t be literally that way for me but at the moment it fills like I’m not living life. I want to LIVE, as a boy.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Wow!.. I say that as a 67yo hetro male that is in awe of people like you with the courage to come out to your parents and others. I felt a tear as I read your story but I also felt I know where the gaps are of your needs and where I could help. At your age we adults all remember the normal struggles teens have in various ways and the emptiness, confusion etc let alone gender complexities. I'm thrilled your parents are supportive- thats gold.

I feel that the 18yo decision from your parents is reasonable like you do and the time between now and then is achingly slow. So I'm also thinking if there is ways to fill that time with research and communicating with others that are in or been in your situation... peers that is. Are there forums online like this one that satisfies trans needs/questions, I dont know. My point is that you could do as much research as possible within the boundaries of your situation and not have to burden your parents at all. By the time you are say 17 1/2 you'll have all the knowledge and you might even have some online friends because "birds of a feather flock together". With mental health issues for example those without any dont really understand, so I advise they come here and chat as we all are under the same challenges.

Finally, I am concerned about your lack of liking/loving yourself. There are many reasons to love yourself and life can be so much happier when you do. Here is a thread, just need to read the first post.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

You write very well, I feel your kind heart, I wish you could like your good qualities. That is worth reaching for. I'd like to know what male name you'd choose, any in mind?

Reply anytime.  I'm here most days  TonyWK

[9]

Hi, im also trans masc, recently 18 and 1.5 weeks on t.

I dont get a lot of dysphoria but i totally get what you mean about really wanting to live while youre still a teen, that was one of my deciding factors, though to be honest im still not too sure. I also get what you mean about transition being positioned as this life and death thing, its not like that for me either. Its ok to transition just because you think youll be more comfortable or content. (Personally, i think its reasonable to want to transition just because you want to)

I will say it is SO much easier to get hrt as an adult. My friend who is now an adult is still waiting for hrt from when she was a minor, though on the other hand another friend is 17 and is a few months on t. But for both of them the process was long. In contrast, i did informed consent, i basically showed up to a gp/nurse practitioner with an interest in trans health, they gave me blood tests, i went back and in total it took 2 months max to get a perscription

Unfortunately if you want hrt there will be a lot of waiting as im sure you know, whether it be going through the under 18 process or waiting til youre 18.

It is possible (by no means definite, i am likely very wrong, i dont know your parents also im writing this at 1am and am only 18, i cannot be highlight how minimal my life expirence is enough) but once you are 18 they still might not want you to transitition. It might be useful to talk with them now about how youre feeling so at least they wont be suprised. Parents can be really tough to deal with, make sure youre looking after yourself no matter what you do:)

Youre not going to be put in a positition where you have to make a rash decision about t. even if you do it when youre a minor, there are lots of checks and balences. And since youre thinking about it already you wont be making a rushed and frivolous  choice when youre over 18. You can trust youre judgement when it comes to taking the shot or putting on the gel- also with gel at least you can just stop whenever you want. I saw a tictok being liks "once you start you cant deviate from the path", thats not true, even if your parents may feel it is. Yes some changes are irreversable but you will be properly informed about them before you get hormones

Being trans is really hard sometimes and parents can complicate things even if they are trying to be supportive. But remember there are so many people like you who can relate to your expirences, you are not alone and the lgbt community is so proud of you. I know youll grow up to be a wonderful young man no matter how long t takes

[...Gekota]

Hey, thank you so much for this response, it means a lot to hear from someone who can relate to my situation. Congratulations on starting T!! That’s incredible and I’m so happy for you. Since that post I wrote a letter to my parents saying I wanted to start T, we had a long conversation about it and it turns out now that they’ve done there own research they just want me to be happy and comfortable which I am so incredibly grateful for. I had my gender clinic appointment but I already had a gender specialist outside of the clinic willing to prescribe me T when I was ready. After the appointment we went back to the specialist I got some tests done and now I’m officially 5 days on T myself. I have been very very lucky in my situation to have outside help from doctors and my family to not have to go through the long and difficult process of the gender clinic. I’m still terrified of going bald but other than that, I feel as though all my procrastination and painful thinking was just unnecessary anxiety brain. Anyways once again thank you so so so much for your reply, it genuinely means so much. I’m glad you too can finally begin to live comfortably 🙂