Gender Clinic appointment - Starting T?

[...Gekota]

Hey, before I get into it I just thought I’d give some context Im 15 (soon 16) and transmasc. Thankfully my parents are amazing and incredibly supportive (for most of it)

I have recently found out i finally got an appointment at the gender clinic. I am very very happy about this as for so long when I was closeted it felt like a dream that was so far out of reach. Lately I’ve been thinking a LOT about transitioning and it’s really getting to me. I’ve told my parents I would wait until I’m 18 because that’s what they wanted but everyday I just feel more and more dysphoric and more like I want to start T sooner. I am a very indecisive person and I will never be sure of any decision I make no matter what but if I start on a low dose and it turns out it’s not right for me I know I can stop and I know I won’t regret any changes that it has made. 

I’ve spent so many years living as a girl and I know it kind of sounds selfish but I really want to live the few years of childhood I have left as a boy like properly you know? I hate myself. No matter how good my day has been I will always hate myself and I so badly want to finally be able to see myself and think “I’m okay” I don’t need to love myself that’s unrealistic for me I just want comfort in my human suit that I have to wear for the rest of my life.

while saying that I am afraid going on T won’t make me feel any better about myself but if so I know I will stop and I know it won’t make me feel worse about myself. I want to feel like I can live and I know I could wait till 18 like safely but I don’t want to keep living like this. I am miserable every time I see myself it ruins everything it’s like “oh… a girl”. 

My parents have been very adamant that they don’t want me to transition till I’m 18 as they don’t want it to feel like they are responsible especially since coming out to them I know I can survive till 18. And I completely understand why they feel that way. I have heard that if you’re 16 you can take this test to see if you’re competent in order to choose for yourself about HRT. I don’t want to disappoint my parents anymore I love them so much. I just want to be free from all this pain that I cannot shake no matter what I do or how I feel. Most teenagers who start HRT it’s life or death. I know it won’t be literally that way for me but at the moment it fills like I’m not living life. I want to LIVE, as a boy.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Wow!.. I say that as a 67yo hetro male that is in awe of people like you with the courage to come out to your parents and others. I felt a tear as I read your story but I also felt I know where the gaps are of your needs and where I could help. At your age we adults all remember the normal struggles teens have in various ways and the emptiness, confusion etc let alone gender complexities. I'm thrilled your parents are supportive- thats gold.

I feel that the 18yo decision from your parents is reasonable like you do and the time between now and then is achingly slow. So I'm also thinking if there is ways to fill that time with research and communicating with others that are in or been in your situation... peers that is. Are there forums online like this one that satisfies trans needs/questions, I dont know. My point is that you could do as much research as possible within the boundaries of your situation and not have to burden your parents at all. By the time you are say 17 1/2 you'll have all the knowledge and you might even have some online friends because "birds of a feather flock together". With mental health issues for example those without any dont really understand, so I advise they come here and chat as we all are under the same challenges.

Finally, I am concerned about your lack of liking/loving yourself. There are many reasons to love yourself and life can be so much happier when you do. Here is a thread, just need to read the first post.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

You write very well, I feel your kind heart, I wish you could like your good qualities. That is worth reaching for. I'd like to know what male name you'd choose, any in mind?

Reply anytime.  I'm here most days  TonyWK