We're so messed up its pass toxic
Hello T-m-g, it's quite a difficult situation you're in, but you've done well to overcome the drugs, the alcohol and to have your child back with you, that's an achievement you should be proud of.
It's not fair for him to blame you when he is in denial, simply because of all the actual facts are not able to be discussed, so he will turn his behaviours around by twisting things so that it appears that you are responsible.
This could be a form of emotional abuse and perhaps having a break from each other maybe an option for you to consider, so is there anyone either of you can temporarily go and stay with, this will enable you to find your feet once again.
I'm very sorry I've done this reply in two lots, so I hope you can understand what I've said.
Hi geoff thanks for your reply
I have tried to have time away and usually with people im very head strong but this time i feel completely vulnerable as the moment i try to leave i cant go for long and i end up becoming physically ill which is the weirdest thing i have ever had to encounter. I want to be able to go stay away for a night or two just so I can find my own feet and I know it takes longer then that but even just for a start I wish I was strong enough again. Ive tried to do so many activities even turning my phone off and keeping myself occupied but i always end up running home and yet it doesnt even feel like home.