We're so messed up its pass toxic

[The-misunderstood-girl]

Hi. We have both had our run in with drugs when we were just friends. He went to jail and I lost my child to services, however since we ended up saying yes to being together we have built each other up immensely. We both dont drink, dont do drugs, I have my child and hes changed from doing stupid things that would end him in court. He works and I started home school until it became unbearable due to my mental health not being fixed since the drugs. However we have the worst lash out moments i blame it on our messed up mind from the drugs and actions we done in our past. Its like an uncontrollable rage of anger that comes with heavy anxiety and depression, I find mine to be worse at I get to stages I cannot even get out of bed but hes able to get himself up for work somehow. A lot of our fights was who we both can and cant talk to, who we can have on social media, what kind of social media we can have, were we can go etc. It was as if one person started on something they didnt agree with that the other would ask for it to be that way for them also. Its feeling like a massive toll but we both wont let it go and try to build from it i guess we dont know how to either. He refuses to acknowledge that he also needs help and says that it is all me. I feel completely stuck too.. I dont have anywhere else I can go, I have no money, nothing as he would argue if I tried to get a job. I can only apply for certain ones that he thinks is appropriate for our relationship. Now in saying all this i have never done anything for him to not trust me I have always been completely honest with everything but ive come to find that everything he use to say he was and things he would never do has made me question everything now. We have had two to three physical domestic and too many emotional i cannot count, thing is this is someone i have changed for I am just so confused with what is going on. How can I fix this? Is it mainly me? I cannot keep feeling like this everyday i am so tired.

[geoff]

Hello T-m-g, it's quite a difficult situation you're in, but you've done well to overcome the drugs, the alcohol and to have your child back with you, that's an achievement you should be proud of.

It's not fair for him to blame you when he is in denial, simply because of all the actual facts are not able to be discussed, so he will turn his behaviours around by twisting things so that it appears that you are responsible.

This could be a form of emotional abuse and perhaps having a break from each other maybe an option for you to consider, so is there anyone either of you can temporarily go and stay with, this will enable you to find your feet once again.

I'm very sorry I've done this reply in two lots, so I hope you can understand what I've said.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[The-misunderstood-girl]

Hi geoff thanks for your reply

I have tried to have time away and usually with people im very head strong but this time i feel completely vulnerable as the moment i try to leave i cant go for long and i end up becoming physically ill which is the weirdest thing i have ever had to encounter. I want to be able to go stay away for a night or two just so I can find my own feet and I know it takes longer then that but even just for a start I wish I was strong enough again. Ive tried to do so many activities even turning my phone off and keeping myself occupied but i always end up running home and yet it doesnt even feel like home.