Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 · ‎07-07-2019

I’ve been married for 26 years and have 3 children. The youngest is almost 18. My husband and I basically got married because I got pregnant when I was 21. There has been multiple cheating and emotional abuse by my husband early in our marriage and he has a strained relationship with with our children. I definitely dont love him anymore, and I’ve tried many times to talk to my husband about our issues, and about the relationship or lack there of with his children, he either makes me feel like I’m crazy, and there’s nothing wrong, or telling me that it’s not his fault it’s the kids fault......he refuses to take any responsibility for anything. That’s when I realised that I’m dealing with a narcissist. It fit him to a t. Everything is an effort for him, he will not do things for the kids with a willing heart, he makes them feel like it’s an inconvenience for him. He’s very selfish. I have had enough and I want to leave. I have been listening to an audiobook called “Will I Ever be Free of You?” Which has been so helpful. It’s helped me to understand narcissistic behaviour, and makes me realise I can find the strength within myself to leave this marriage. I’m not afraid of being alone, I know financially it will be a struggle but I think being free of this person will be worth it. I am not looking for another relationship, I look forward to my independence and freedom! I am a little afraid however for when the time comes to actually say the words “I want a separation/divorce” I’m afraid of his reaction, I’m afraid that he’ll get furious and try to make me feel like a wicked person or try to convince me to stay, that he’ll change or that I’m over reacting. I haven’t been to any therapy or counselling, but I think I may need to (although finances are tight) so I can find the strength to deal with this once and for all, so that I can live the rest of my life, happy. That’s all I want, to be happy. I would love to hear from anybody who has had similar experiences and who have found the strength and courage to get out of a bad relationship and find happiness again.

smallwolf · ‎08-07-2019

Hi Stasia71,

welcome to beyond blue.

Sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard space, and from your description it sounds very much like a one sided relationship.

It is a big decision to make. I can imagine there would be many things running through your head when you think about talk to your partner about separating. How would you react if he did say he would change? It sounded as though your mind was made up until that point in your post. In the end, and as with most things it is about making a plan, and owning that decision, whatever it is.

But does your partner know it has gotten this far?

With that said, everyone deserves to live a happy life.

Tim

Trustyourgut · ‎08-07-2019

Hi,

Good on you for realising your own self-worth. It is so daunting the realisation that you need to leave and the fear associated with finding a way to follow through with it somehow. I left my Narcissistic husband (who sounds similar to yours) and father of my children about 6 months ago. I had thought I'd seek help and develop a plan to leave but in the end things escalated once I began to stand up for myself and I ended up leaving due to fear of staying and what would happen if he found out I was going to leave before I'd left. It was the most scary, sickening and difficult thing I have ever done. I had a couple of friends step in at a moments notice and guide me through it, ensuring my safety and caring for my kids while I told him in a public place with just a few pre-prepared lines and NO discussion under any circumstances. Discussion leaves room for manipulation, guilt, gaslighting and self-doubt etc. He has for 6 months since overstepped the boundaries I have tried to establish around contact. I have been determined not to get sucked back in and have found the best way of doing this was staying with family (so not alone), having minimal or no contact and writing down or having people remind me of why I left and validate my position over and over. It has been REALLY hard, esp with the kids tying us together. Find your best supports and ask them for help. Get a Psychologist, it's worth the investment.

I wish you great strength and self-love. I admire you a lot.

Stasia71 · ‎08-07-2019

I’ve tried to talk to him about it, be he doesn’t like talking about our issues, I’ve even tried to text it to him since he doesn’t want to talk, but he said to me “what was the point of that text!” He’s in such denial and I think if we separated it will ruin his comfortable life, since I’m the one who does the finances and make sure we have our insurance cover, bills paid up to date etc, I work as much as he does but he acts like he’s the harder worker out of us. I’ve been feeling like this for years, but he always finds a way to charm me and then I question if I’m being the difficult one....but his narcissistic side reveals itself again and we are back to square one. My kids watch the clock and when they know he’ll be home they’ll go to their rooms, even they don’t like being around him. It’s sad. Now that my youngest is almost 18, i feel like I can make a break and find some happiness again.

Stasia71 · ‎08-07-2019

Thank you, you give me hope. I’ve been feeling like this for many many years, actually I haven’t felt the same love for him since I found out he cheated on me when my two older children was only 6 and 3. I’ve stayed mainly because of financial reasons and now that my youngest child is almost 18, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure how he’ll react when I tell him I want to divorce, he’ll either be furious or try to charm me into staying, and make feel like I’m destroying our family. I’ve tried to talk to him before, I told him that because we married so young we never had the chance to pursue our individual dreams, and that we should move on in separate ways to find what makes us happy.....all he said is as “what was the point in that!” And he never wanted to discuss the subject again. I think he’s just comfortable, just going to work and ever having to worry about the bills, the groceries or even the tax returns because I do everything. He’s got a pretty good life and I have reached the point where I just want to take care of myself, be on my own and not have to answer to anyone. That would be my ideal life. ☺️ 🌺

smallwolf · ‎09-07-2019

Hi Stasia71,

It sounds as though you have pretty much made up your mind, and concerned at the same time that he might convince you to stay. If you were convinced to stay, how would you feel?

Tim

Stasia71 · ‎09-07-2019

I would feel like I am just delaying the inevitable....and wasting both our time....but I know how much he relies on me for everything and he’ll probably get into another relationship quickly because he doesn’t know how to be alone and responsible for himself and his finances. I will be happy for him to find someone else, for me, there is nothing left, I don’t feel anything for him anymore.

smallwolf · ‎10-07-2019

Do you think he does not look at himself and get involved in finances because you are there? For example, what would happen if you were able to go on holidays for a week or two (by yourself) and some billed came in that had to be paid?

(My dad had to assume some responsibilities regarding his health. Sure, it relates to something different to what you are going through, but mum cannot be responsible for literally everything. I don't know how she broached this topic with him but it worked. There comes a time when each person has to the able to look after themselves to some degree.)

Your post seem to show you have already checked out of the relationship, and if that is the case, and you are concerned about him convincing you to stay, have you a plan for the conversation to handle this scenario if it should arise?

Tim

Stasia71 · ‎10-07-2019

If I go away I make sure there is always cash in the bills account to over any direct debits. I think he doesn’t want to face all the bills that need to be paid, he has said multiple times that he can take over, but when he’s faced with it, it’s too overwhelming for him..

My ideal would be a amicable separation and divorce. I don’t hate him, I just don’t want to be married anymore. If that is possible then it will keep costs down, our only debt is our mortgage so I think that will make things easier. Not knowing how he’ll react is the scariest part, but I want to save and prepare for every outcome.

smallwolf · ‎11-07-2019

Nothing in life in certain. There are a few ways this can go...

if you have the conversation with your husband he might (a) convince you to stay, or (b) agree with you re separation, or (c) the conversation goes in a different direction than anticipated where there is still forward movement.

OR

you do not have the conversation and nothing changes. And there is a certain comfort (?) here in knowing the the outcome, how you feel etc.? For example, you don't have to worry about him trying to convince you the stay.

Do you agree or disagree with the above?

(It is difficult telling your partner something important or distressing or might hurt the other person. There have been times when my psychologist suggested to me I chat with my wife about this or that. And these conversations for me can be difficult to start. But I also know that once the conversation is over, a weight is lifted from me. Also between the time that I figured I need to talk with her to the actual conversation I would be constantly worried about her reaction.)