Want to separate from a narcissistic husband.

Stasia71 · ‎07-07-2019

I’ve been married for 26 years and have 3 children. The youngest is almost 18. My husband and I basically got married because I got pregnant when I was 21. There has been multiple cheating and emotional abuse by my husband early in our marriage and he has a strained relationship with with our children. I definitely dont love him anymore, and I’ve tried many times to talk to my husband about our issues, and about the relationship or lack there of with his children, he either makes me feel like I’m crazy, and there’s nothing wrong, or telling me that it’s not his fault it’s the kids fault......he refuses to take any responsibility for anything. That’s when I realised that I’m dealing with a narcissist. It fit him to a t. Everything is an effort for him, he will not do things for the kids with a willing heart, he makes them feel like it’s an inconvenience for him. He’s very selfish. I have had enough and I want to leave. I have been listening to an audiobook called “Will I Ever be Free of You?” Which has been so helpful. It’s helped me to understand narcissistic behaviour, and makes me realise I can find the strength within myself to leave this marriage. I’m not afraid of being alone, I know financially it will be a struggle but I think being free of this person will be worth it. I am not looking for another relationship, I look forward to my independence and freedom! I am a little afraid however for when the time comes to actually say the words “I want a separation/divorce” I’m afraid of his reaction, I’m afraid that he’ll get furious and try to make me feel like a wicked person or try to convince me to stay, that he’ll change or that I’m over reacting. I haven’t been to any therapy or counselling, but I think I may need to (although finances are tight) so I can find the strength to deal with this once and for all, so that I can live the rest of my life, happy. That’s all I want, to be happy. I would love to hear from anybody who has had similar experiences and who have found the strength and courage to get out of a bad relationship and find happiness again.

Stasia71 · ‎15-07-2019

I’ve been reading up on covert narcissistic personality and I think that is what I’m dealing with, he’s passive aggressive, thinks he’s superior and craves attention from people around him....he likes to call himself the king....it makes me cringe. Lately however I don’t take his crap, I speak my mind and I stand up for myself more. There is just no love in our relationship, and I think he shuts down because he doesn’t want our conversation to lead to talking about our failing relationship because he’s very comfortable....he’s happy just plodding along, acting as if everything is peachy. I think he won’t cope living in his own, or maybe he fears it, but he’ll end up coping I think, but will blame me for everything. My eldest son lives in NZ with his girlfriend and I think he’s happy living away from home, he said his relationship with his dad is better now, but last year my husband was planning a trip to NZ to stay with him and my son asked me to come too....my eldest son believes once the younger two move out, they too will have a better relationship with their dad, and I hope that’s true, but I don’t want to be left with an empty nest and an unhappy marriage. I want to enjoy my years ahead, just working for myself, taking holidays when I want (if I can afford it) and even if I struggle, at least I’ll be happy, and free, and if I can’t support myself, I’ll just go home, and spend some time with my parents. So I do have options.

smallwolf · ‎16-07-2019

You mentioned that your eldest some moved out of home, his relationship improved. Does that also apply when he visits them? Do you think that he might regard himself as a guest in their house? In their house, the son would be the "king", if I can borrow a word from your husband.

And good that you have been able to stand up for yourself. How does that make feel? Good, bad, indifferent? It is sad you need to the resort to this, but it sounds necessary for you.

Have you spoken to your own parents about the current situation?

Tim

Stasia71 · ‎17-07-2019

I tell my mum everything now. When we first split, I kept everything a secret from my family and pretended everything was perfect, I think that’s why they were taken by surprise when i told them he was cheating. I’ve told her that I intend on leaving him eventually. She worries about me being alone, where as I long for it! I’m not interested in another relationship, I just want to be free!

I feel good standing up for myself, I feel stronger, and I like how it shocks him. He’s so used to me being so meek and submissive most of the time, but that me is no more. I am almost 48 and I do not want to spend the next decades of my life unhappy!

My eldest son told me know that he’s an adult, he’s his own man now and his dad cannot made him feel bad anymore. He told me he’s thankful that he had at least two one emotionally available parent, and that’s he’s happy, he has a wonderful girlfriend who just adores him. Still if his dad goes to visit, my son always asks me to come along too. He lives overseas. My son has told me he knows it must be hard living with his dad, and he wanted me to know, that he wants me to be happy.

Move got really supportive friends, but they are overseas too, we have been living in QLD for 4 years and it can be lonely, I think that’s why I’m so close to my children...I’ve made a few friends but none close enough to be this open with....I take time to trust people I guess.

Even though I don’t love him, and I desire my from, I know once I tell him, I’m sure it will feel like his world is falling apart. It’s not going to be easy, and I do dread the conversation.