I think you have a very beautiful, almost poetic way of expressing yourself. Through your words, I felt your angst, sadness, loneliness & perhaps a huge sense of loss.
I feel it must be painful and perhaps strange to see your mum in a photo with a man who is not your father. I think maybe seeing that photo made your parent’s separation feel very real, as though now there is something concrete & tangible to that shows how your parents are no longer together. I understand that would hurt...
I wonder if maybe this is part of your grieving. Grieving the loss of the family you once new. Perhaps you’re feeling forced to let go of the family you knew for something very different & unfamiliar...
I feel sad about your feelings of isolation. It must be very lonely. I wonder if there’s any way to perhaps try to rebuild some of that connection? In particular, perhaps with your brothers, because in many ways, I feel they are also going through the same thing as you.
I understand that their perception of the situation may or may not be similar to yours. But they have still lost their old family and, like you, have also had to find their place again in a new concept/understanding of family. I’m wondering how you feel about that idea...
I’m glad you’re opening up here. I sense so many brewing emotions. Sometimes I feel it can be cathartic to emotionally purge here, so please don’t hesitate to do that. That said, of course there’s also no pressure to share any more than you want...only when & if you feel like writing/sharing.
Thinking of you with kindness & care.