trying to book an escort

[blackwhite]

I discovered my husbands message requesting to book an escort for a few days time. I came across it by looking for something else (note we run a business together)

I was away at a school meeting while he was at home with the children booking this. I am sure the meeting still stands and as he is away for a few days I cannot stop thinking about what is happening.

He left tonight without even saying goodbye to the kids and I couldnt mention it because he has a way of making it my fault.

How the hell do I deal with this?

[blackwhite]

Note that he has no idea that I know whats going on. 

[Juliet_84]

Hi BlackWhite,

You have to confront him about this and give him an option to explain (although it seems pretty damning). You can either provide the evidence straight up so he has no choice but to admit it. Or (if it was me), I would hold back the evidence you have and see whether he has a shred of honestly and is willing to come clean. If he doesn’t, then you present the irrefutable evidence. The next question is, what do you want to do with this information? It seems pretty obvious that he has been visiting escorts - I assume the things you want to know are a) why and b) the extent of it. Be prepared that once you confront him, he may go back and try and cover his tracks more freely so perhaps you want to get to the bottom of this first if possible before you confront him? These are just the things that would be going through my head if I was in your situation. 

[blackwhite]

Thanks Juliette84. I discovered this morning he took the cash from our account that matched the rates so he was fully intending to follow through. 

I am at home with the kids who have covid so can't go anywhere which is making me stir crazy.

He has been looking/enquiring for months (since Jan) and I think visited once at least since then. I am terrified of destroying my children and their world. I couldn't care less about me, I will recover but they are so little and innocent in all of this.

[Juliet_84]

I’m so sorry sweetheart, you don’t deserve this. The reality is that you haven’t done anything to destroy their world, which probably makes it even harder, when someone else is basically forcing your hand with their behaviour. Regarding your children, they are far more adaptable than we give them credit for. There is no doubt that this will be a major upheaval for them at first and an adjustment period will ensue but they still have both of their parents and are loved. I grew up with toxicity and I am still struggling to overcome it now, I would have preferred two separate but happy households. I once read an article by a child psychologist that stuck with me and they basically said that children can overcome most things, but trauma occurs when children are left alone with their hurt. We often think we are doing them a favour by sheltering them from what’s going on but that is usually where the damage occurs, when they know something major is going on but don’t understand what. Not to say they need to know all the details, but communication and talking through feelings is important. The other option is that you may decide to stay and fight for your marriage if you still love your husband and want you family to remain as it is? But you have to be prepared that this might be a tumultuous road ahead depending on how entrenched this behaviour is. Maybe it’s worthwhile seeing a psychologist on your own as a first step and talking out your own thoughts and feelings against a qualified sounding board? 

[smallwolf]

Hey 😞

I wanted to tell you this (what your husband is doing) is wrong on so many levels and I cannot imagine what you are going though at the moment - not only with this but kids and COVID! 

(Fwiw) My daughter and I have COVID at the monent (wife and son don't have it) and that creates and extra level of concern and care for the closest ... or so I thought.

I hope this does not come as advice, except to say that your hubby as done this to himself, but I feel you would be entitled to query the transaction in the bank a/c to find out what it or was? 

you could also use DEARMAN as a way of structuring the conversation. This is something which my psychologist has put me onto...

Describe

Express

Assert

Reinforce

Mindful

Assertive

Negotiate

The top 4 item are WHAT and the last 3 relate to HOW. Without do a crash course.... it allow you to cover the facts (ONLY), prevents the conversation from going off course, enables to you speak how you feel.  There are some good videos on YouTube as well. 

I would feel gutted in your position. Is there anyone within the circle you travel that you could chat with?

[geoff]

Hello blackwhite, oh dear, if this happens then how can a marriage move forward without any further problems because dark secrets like this are going to affect not only your relationship with him, but also be disturbing for the kids, as his priorities are looking after himself and doesn't care about anyone else.

Are you able to cancel this escort, although if this happens then you might be afraid of the consequences, however it's unreasonable for him to be doing this behind your back, and one way or another he needs to know that you have found out and not happy at all.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.