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Struggling to get through the negativity...

mooncrab_
Community Member

Hi everyone,

This is my first time starting a thread in these forums and I definitely feel it is about time to reach out plus I really need to vent >.<

A bit about me... I am 33yrs old, I have a partner(fiance), two children from my previous marriage and have had depression and anxiety for years. Lately, I have been struggling. In life and love. I can't seem to focus on the good and my emotions have been taking me for a ride once again. I keep feeling like a failure. Even when I tell myself that I'm not a failure because of all the positive things i've been doing, I still feel the ache in my heart. Logically, I can understand that what I am feeling is very likely due to hormonal changes (that time of month) and that it's normal to be moody during these times. But sometimes, even after I have completed a task, I start to question whether it is good enough? Is it enough? I guess the inadequacy stems from comparing myself to my partner. He is a professional in his field with strong academic direction. I know he wants me to be more productive, to evolve from negativity and ignorance and to build myself into a stronger person. But I can't help feeling as though "expectation" is the sword hanging over my head. I am a mum. I cook, clean, manage the kids (both have adhd tendencies) manage the cats and study 9.30-2.30. At the end of the day I'm tired and left feeling empty. My partner is at work 8-4 and then straight to online uni studies once he's home, he's also burning the candle at both ends 😞 . Every few days he'll ask me whether I got to finish a certain task and if I apologize for not being able to get to it he reminds me that I should be more organized by now. Sometimes I sense a little disappointment in his mood. And lately, that has been tipping the scales for me. It's not easy trying to manage two children with attention difficulties and hyperactivity who just want to turn on the telly and watch nonsensical crap on youtube because all their school friends are into it.

But honestly, am I seeing things differently to everyone else? Am I supposed to be doing more? I feel so lost these days... I feel like I've lost who I am along the way. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

5 Replies 5

GoodWitch
Community Member

It sounds to me like you are doing all you can possibly do, mooncrab. 2 kids with adhd is enough to handle by itself, but you're studying as well and keeping the house running. It's a lot. It's enough. Nobody is perfect and you won't do everything right all the time. You're bound to forget to pay a bill here and there, or something you meant to organise will slip through your fingers. It doesn't mean you're disorganised, it means you are human, and busy, and exhausted. A good partner will offer to take a couple of things off your plate, not criticise your organisational skills. Just sayin.

I know he wants me to be more productive, to evolve from negativity and ignorance and to build myself into a stronger person.

We all want to be stronger, better people. Nothing wrong with that. As long as you are reaching for your goals, not anyone else's. You are enough as you are, because that is all you have to give right now. You are a partner and a mother and a student...you sound pretty darn productive to me. And you're not ignorant if you managed to find this forum and bravely post your situation, articulately and well.

Have a think about what you want, what you need, and try to make sure you get it. It might mean sitting down with your partner and admitting you're struggling, asking for his patience and help. See where that takes you.

Hope this helps. Post back if you can give more detail.

GW

Thank you GW, your positive words made my day! =D

To put things into perspective, my life drastically changed just after my daughter was born. I found out my husband was having an affair and ultimately left us for that woman. My world had crumbled and I was broken. So I took my kids and went back home where I knew I had family to support me while I tried to put myself back together. Later that year we got divorced. The next 4yrs I put up with his bs for the kid's sake while constantly bottling up the anxiety and depression until I finally had enough and broke all contact. My partner(now) stood by my side throughout it all, even when I was being unreasonable and stubborn. When I attained my cert3 he was so proud of me with my regained confidence and independence. I was halfway to being me again. I applied for my first job after almost 10yrs and landed a job in 3wks (woohoo!) Unfortunately, a couple yrs down the track I started having some health issues which lead to the diagnosis of a tumor on my pituitary gland. My depressive state was at an all time peak. But it was confirmed benign for the time being with MRI checkups every 12mths. Though, from all the tests and scans I ended up finding out that my original symptoms were from an underlying cause which in turn also diagnosed a misaligned spine, DDD in my thoracic, osteo-arthritis in my lower back and bone spurs in my cervical (at age 32!). I had to see a chiropractor every wk and was having a concoction of meds. During this time I gave my notice at work so I could recover- this was where the struggles really began. The decrease in income was a big impact and our relationship was tearing at the seams over all this bc my partner was carrying all the weight. But we've held on.

And then a couple months ago I decided to stop taking my meds. I was sick of feeling tired all the time, having brain fog and not being able to concentrate or remember things plus constantly feeling anxious. My gp wasn't happy that I stopped the meds but I clearly told her I honestly believe it was exacerbating my anxiety. I still get the jabs of negativity when my doubts start repeating themselves in my head. I try my best not to dwell on the past, but a lot of my anxiety stems from as far back as my childhood where verbal and physical abuse were present but the right support was lacking. It's difficult to see myself as a great person when there seem to be more negative aspects than positive ones.

Thanks for the extra backstory mooncrab. You've been going through a LOT more than it first appeared! It's great that your current partner has stood by you through all your health issues and the other baggage leftover from your first marriage. Good on him.

It's unfortunate that your health issues have derailed your working life, but it's not something you can change so I guess you just have to move forward. If you are sure the medication is causing more problems than it solves, it's good you stood your ground with the doctor. Perhaps there are different meds you could try? Or other methods like acupuncture or massage....I hope that's not totally ignorant I'm not sure what would help in your condition. But there is always more than one way to approach a problem, I've found.

You're bound to have negative thoughts considering what you've been through. You were hurt by your childhood and your first marriage. But you are working through your struggles and doing your best, you're not giving up. You're looking after your family and you obviously know your own mind so I think that's terrific! Give yourself time to get back to full steam, and like I said initially talk to your partner. You can be support for each other through difficult times.

Also have you considered contacting a counsellor to talk through things if you can? Relationships Australia have great services, for both individuals and couples.

Best

GW

Hi GW,

Answering your question:

Also have you considered contacting a counsellor to talk through things if you can? Relationships Australia have great services, for both individuals and couples.

I had mentioned couples therapy to my partner previously but he doesn't have the time apparently. He's on the "How to not give a f***" path since watching the TED talks videos last year. He claims that everything he is doing and working for is all for the family, for our future. I get it. It makes sense to focus all your time and energy on your journey to success. But... I don't have that mindset. My anxiety pulls me back a lot and end up taking a step back down the ladder rather than up and then I end up balling my eyes out in the guest room because I don't want anyone to see me crying. To see me being so weak. If I talk about my past, people tell me to stop dwelling on it. If I talk about how I feel these days, I'm told to work hard towards my future. I don't go out. I hardly speak or have much contact with friends anymore. The family income is tight so I can't even go out for a coffee to catch up with old friends or work colleagues. Organising a get together at someone's place or mine never works out because we're all mothers with kids of all different ages and schedules just don't sync. Plus we're all scattered across melbourne and sydney. My parents and only sibling live in another state, so family support isn't close by but I call my parents on a weekly basis and they have helped me out just by listening and sharing advice. I do yoga for my back and neck aches plus it eases my digestive issues and insomnia, so that's my alternative to meds and has been great ^_^

I can't just give up on my relationship as some would suggest. We were meant to get married on our 10yr anniversary in July this yr but of course everything is on hold. We've been friends for 16yrs and committed 10yrs as a couple.

It's been a long road so far. But I hope, that this is just our hurdle to overcome together.

Cheers to you GW for responding to my plight of anxieties. I am so glad that I spoke up on these forums. It has lightened the load and I am honestly grateful.


Sincerely,

MoonCrab

IreneM
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Mooncrab it sounds like you have been making alot of effort to do what you can.

To support GW suggestion I encourage you to focus on taking care of yourself for now. You have some support in your parents and of course we, here on this forum, can give some degree of back up.

Like you I had childhood problems as well as my first marriage. But since I have been receiving professional help to look after myself mentally and physically my current marriage is slowly getting better. As my partner is seeing the changes in me and becoming really supportive. Check out the link LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF below. As you find tips for looking after yourself you can encourage the kids to do likewise.

If your partner is unsupportive, I encourage you to get mental health support just for YOU. You sound very similar to myself in that you are already doing a lot, running the house with two kids and studying. I can relate to the tight income problems as well. Just remember that Mental Health support is FREE. I encourage you to get support and you are not a failure, you are a very productive mother. Please either click the "Get Immediate Support" link below or call the support line below 1300 22 4636 to point you in the right direction. You certainly need good professional help, it will be worth the effort. A second GP opinion might be the answer.

Take care of yourself.

Irene.