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Close friend is always vague about one subject.

Community Member

My best friend and I have known each other for about 15 years and I first met her during early high school and we just simply clicked. We would spend a lot of time together in and out of school so unsurprisingly we were assumed to be a couple which led to people asking us for advice or seen with jealousy by others since high school relationships were short lived at best. We did talk about dating back then but decided it was better to know each other more first and the subject was dropped because by then we always supported each other.

After high school life's obligations meant it was trickier to spend time together but we still found away even if it meant doing simple chores together like shopping, washing, cooking, spend a few nights on the couch or just message each other but we don't live together. Again we were seen as a couple outdoors but this worked to her advantage mostly as if she was approached by a guy she would act as if I was her boyfriend until the person moved on.

There has been a couple of things that I noticed but never could get direct answers for though despite her being a direct person. The entire time together she has never made any attempt to date other people let alone show interest or talk about it. I have asked her about us being together and the answer will change between she doesn't to want to risk our bond together to saying she can be a hypocrite to her decisions. As for the subject of intimacy she has asked questions about it but her stance on it is that she isn't ready but she'll let me know when she is however she does know where I stand and there's no need to rush

On the one side it feels like I'm filling the boyfriend role unofficially for awhile but I think she's worried that taking the extra step would affect our connection negatively which is a possibility or that since she's been busy a lot more lately it might feel like a relationship would not get the attention needed at the time affecting obligations seen by her.

5 Replies 5

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi CrazyGecko,

So, if I read it right, you've been friends with this girl for 15 years, and you would like it to be more than friendship, but she's been holding you at arms length for quite a while now, yeah?

If people are assuming you're a couple when in public, does that mean you are holding hands, linking arms or making other small public displays of affection? And if not, and you want the relationship to be that way (partners/boyfriend and girlfriend) then perhaps you could start doing that? Next time you're out, maybe try holding her hand and putting your arm around her and see how it feels for you both?

Fifteen years does seem like a very long time to 'decide' whether or not she wants to be with you, especially given that those years include the teenage hormonal rush!

I think you are an incredibly patient guy, but also could be holding out/waiting for something and or someone that love and physical inticmacy may never happen with.I don't know, I could be wrong.

I also do not know either of you personally, so I really don't know much about the whole situation, other than what you have written here. But I can tell you this; if the chemistry is just not there for her, then it is probably not going to happen. Men, in general, are more sexually motivated that women ..... and I'm talking in a very general sense here, so keep in mind that there are a LOT of variables as to what drives each of us.

I think the best approach is always a very direct approach. Perhaps ask her directly if she does want to build an more intimate/sexual relationship with you, and then discuss what that means, and how that looks for you. But keep in mind that talking about sex, before actually making any 'strong' physical moves, is strongly advised. Consent is of utmost importance.

Anyway, don't know if any of that helps or not. I wish you all the best in getting some clarification as to this friendship/relationship you are in.

Keep us in the loop. I'm listening and here for you if you have anything else you want to discuss.

Thanks Soberlicious.

She is a direct person it's just the relationship talk that becomes vague. As for closeness we don't hold hands but we walk close together and shared the one umbrella a few times so that's the only time the arm goes around. We do share a hug at least once when we hang out and we have shared the rare kiss but on the cheek only. She does have a couple of male friends but she keeps them at distance so if they try copying what we do she gets annoyed and tells them to knock it off so there is a circle that's just for us. She has called of plans with people at times so we can just hang out.

I admit that during high school the hormones were strong but it wasn't hard to ignore them. We both know that if I was after her for just the one thing I would've given up years ago. She is physically attractive but that's not caught my interest in her.

We're still happy together and she knows that it's just that she knows where I stand I think she's not sure on what she wants to do until it's properly discussed. As for the sex discussion it came down to when she is ready she'll let me know so I can pick up protection.

So long as you are both happy with the pace, then that's great. ...... I just want to suggest that you be absolutely true to yourself and that if posting on here means / or is because you are not entirely happy with things, then perhaps you need to be honest about that.

Letting go is hard ..... but sometimes hanging on can be harder.

Having said that, no-one can decide what to do next, except for you.

I'm fine with whatever the outcome is as we've stuck by each other through the good times and some fairly bad times so it would take a lot to pull us apart as some people have tired and failed in the past. We've always been upfront on everything else so if she doesn't feel ready she or she doesn't want to risk our friendship I'm fine with it as I don't want to rush into something serious either but a solid answer would be nice unless she's worried I might walk away.

I'm mainly asking to see if anyone else has been or currently in a situation like this and how it turned out. I know there's plenty of articles on the subject but the info varies that much between questionable sources it's not worth reading or taking seriously.

Well I got my answer...well the situation was summed up anyway.

Due to her busy lifestyle she doesn't have much time for herself so any free time she has is with either family or us. As for the two of us she's worried that becoming a couple risks our friendship too much currently but since we tick each others boxes in terms of supporting each other it's a no for now it won't be forever.