Struggling getting over a narcissist relationship
How do you get over someone you thought was your soulmate? That is the question i ask myself constantly.
Im 22 and this is the first serious relationship with real feelings of love i have felt before. He never wanted a serious labelled relationship yet we acted like a couple, with his parents/grandparents/friends etc calling me his girlfriend. He always said when he is ready and mature enough he hopes we will be together properly. He always wanted to be 'friends' but always treated me more than a friend. He gave me this amazing calmness whenever i was around him, no anxiety, no stress, no overthinking (how amazing right) but as soon as we were talking over text i stressed over everything, he'd ignore me for days saying he was 'busy' 'had stuff going on' and always called me full on and too much. I stuck around cause i always remembered the good things between us.
You know when you just click with someone and its like wow where have you been all my life, i let my walls down and opened up to him about my deepest thoughts and secrets and he listened and comforted me. He was well aware of my anxiety, but somehow still did things that made me feel anxious and told me i was being crazy. I never had a say in anything, i always made the effort, called first, texted first, made plans first and it was like i forced him to see me. Once i was with him tho it was amazing and i was like this is worth it. He'd let me stay at his when i was feeling down to comfort me. Things started getting serious when i dropped 'i love you' he felt confronted and scared, his mum even warned me about how scared he is of commitment and how feelings freak him out. I never thought things would go bad from there, he told me he wanted nothing to do with me, called me names 'liar' 'cheat' 'bi#ch" "crazy' 'sl*t" you name it i heard it. Mind you he slept with another girl and i caught him out on lies but somehow that didn't matter. He told me he loved me but could never be with such a crazy liar like me, you could imagine his words were harsher than that. He blocked me on all forms of contact (new and old accounts) made his friends and mother, i can't stop thinking how it went from i love you, to i don't care what happens to you i hate you. Its been a month and i can't seem to accept whats happening, why he has control. He still controls my thoughts, i cry all the time.
I feel crazy and I'm scared maybe he is right about me, i still want him in my life. i can't seem to shake him.
Firstly I would like to say welcome to the BB forums. This is a real tough one. I have heard of similar situations before. It's never been a nice breakup. When one person feels more for one than the other. As for him cheating on you, once a cheater, always a cheater. I'm sorry, but I have seen it all to many times before. Plus it's happened to me where my partner has been caught out. Oh I will never do that again, story. Then they go right out and do it again, and again. He should have a lot more respect for you even if you are just friends. And not call you names. It's hard to say which way you should go to from here. But if I were you I would try to find somebody else. Someone who will respect you and your feelings. My elder sister did it took time and it hurt her feelings. But shee found a far better person. They really complement each other.
Hi lizzie. Your bf sounds extremely bossy, cruel and totally manipulative. Have you googled the various personality traits of narcissism to see if he fits any of them? Usually a narc will abuse, belittle and control behind closed doors. To the outside world, they need to be seen as the 'perfect' partner. They will play the martyr by appearing to be thoughtful and totally devoted to their immediate families. Do you really believe his description of you, before you met him would you have considered yourself the way he's describing you. He's had such a powerful negative effect on you, you now have to basically re-program your thinking to realize he has the problem not you. Perhaps see about talking to a psychologist who has experience dealing with narc's to get some guidelines on de-briefing and rethinking. Sounds too as though his mother makes excuses for him instead of accepting he has serious behavioural problems.
It sounds like your boyfriend is the one with the issue, not you. You are taking the brunt of it and as I know it sounds hard and cliched but the best thing for you to do is leave him alone. We can't live through other people and you have to except his issues and wants and move on. Go out, find someone else if you choose but start living your own life. If he really feels strongly enough, he will come back and if you're available then the cards have worked their magic!
Thank you for the reply!
He never physically abused me, it was emotional i don't have physical scars but my mind does. I have spoken to my therapist about him and as she's never met him she can't do an evaluation but she has said he has for sure a narc, plus i know his struggled with the death of his friends developing PTSD.
Before i met him, i still had pretty low self confidence and was an over thinker, but i know i myself i am not a liar or a cheat or anything. i was a bit full on towards him, but hey i just wanted to spend time with him and speak to him which isn't a reason to call me crazy. His mother always wanted to catch up and hang out with me, but he never allowed it she once said to me 'i know what his like, if you ever had problems come talk to me' but i never got the chance too.
That is one of the best things I've heard, thank you.
I am a firm believer in whats meant to be will be, so i guess time will heal and time will tell. I need to 100% start focusing on myself and living my own life. I am going to be a teacher this year, going travelling so i have things to look forward to. My biggest issues is the emotional and mental scars he has left behind.
Hi lizzie. Narc's seldom physically abuse, they will resort to emotional blackmail. His constant put-downs means he needed to be in total control. Your emotional scars will fade, but your memories may stay for a while. You may discover certain things you do will mean you could continue 'hearing' him berating you. If this occurs, tell him out loud (if possible) to leave you alone. In order to regain your self esteem, you need to concentrate on your good points and ignore the negative that he 'drummed' into you. I would be a bit wary about renewing the acquaintance with his mum. Blood is thicker than water.