Spouse constantly blames

[failingatthis]

Hi 

I don’t know where else to turn, I’ve been in an on again off again relationship for 4 years the last 1.5 years living together we both come from ex husband/wife and have a blended family, 

my issues come that I’m blamed for everything, my ex wife is frustrating difficult to deal with regarding our children and often is changing things to suit herself though we have a court order it can’t stop her find8ng little ways to get around it, 

this caused a rift between my and my current partner who says I have to stand up to her more though ever time I do it ends up in bitter arguments, with both my e wife and spouse, to the extent my daughter come in an said that she had enough of the constant conflict and the blame that was being placed on me and my daughter and wanted to go home, I took my daughter home that evening as she was in tears and didn’t want to be in that environment, I told her that my spouse was just upset she isn’t that bad of a person, she claims she’s fighting for our life and our family life and that ever time my e wife does something it effects us all which I don’t disagree with. 

the next morning I was told that my daughter was not welcome in the family home anymore after she yelled at my spouse and called her a liar…I have to admit I did the same thing in anger as she firmly stuck to her versions and just won’t listen to what I have to say. 

I’ve had to spend every second weekend at my brothers to sleep on a couch just to see my two children, I was told that they could come back if my daughter apologised for her behaviour this was after she packed all her things up in boxes of course my daughter doesn’t want to which is understandable and my son won’t either. 

I’ve been called a liar, cheat unfaithful dishonest and deceitful and that I never cared about her or her family at all. Don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect but have I truly created this issue, I’m not to blame that my ex wife is difficult she always is and always will be

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Perhaps I can answer your post by detailing my experience. I was a step dad to a boy for 7 years in my 20's. It wasnt a good time, I was jealous of the time he took away from me and my GF. I became dad of two daughters in my 30's to another woman. I became single at 40 and then lived with a woman, one of my daughters living with us and my GF had two teenagers not living with us. It didnt work, my daughter could do nothing right, I was sandwiched. Her two children could do no wrong. After 10 years we split. Eldest daughter now 33yo has severe mental health disorders caused mainly by step mums treatment of her, including one suicide attempt.

Have remarried now and am happy. Daughter slowly recovering. What I've learned is that it is essential step parents love all children they come into contact with (nurturers). If not then they can develop jealousy they would deny and from the parents perspective, it isnt obvious either, maybe possessiveness is a better word. Regardless, it all goes pear shaped and often it is not salvageable unless you fully comply with the step parents demands. This places the parent and his/her children in a no win situation. The problem at this point is that complying with the step parents demands doesnt guarantee contentment, they'll likely be other issues arise and the air will stay think. Like walking on egg shells- why? because in my case my then GF really didnt want my kids in our relationship. 

Your dealings with your ex wife wont improve. Best to do things through a lawyer/court to solidify court orders so you dont need to talk to her. Again the mother of my kids was toxic with revenge. If visitation rules are solid there should be no need for communication and if there is then text should be sufficient. 

Building a safe and happy environment for your kids is priority. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/the-best-step-parent/m-p/399309/h... 

TonyWK

[failingatthis]

Thank you for the words, the dealings often with the ex wife usually revolve around the kids and a change here or there to schedules then the arguments start in my household, I usually just go whatever and accept the changes (usually small such as a change in music lesson times) the big one was to the week on week off after Xmas holidays which balances out after 2 years lawyer said we could go to court but didn’t see the point as would only be wasting money and nothing would be resolved quickly and the ex wife would still get the result current spouse wouldn’t listen to me at all just constantly accuse me of still being in love with the ex wife, even when I broke down and told her I could no longer mentally cope with the situation anymore.

I ended the relationship however we still live under the same roof for now and im struggling to find my own place in this rental market, but the constant yelling at me blaming me and accusations is starting to wear me down 

[JED1980]

Hey

I totally, totally get where you are coming from.

Im sorry that you had to end your relationship, but i think its for the best.

You did not create this issue. You are not to blame. You cannot control your ex wife and what she says or does.

Ive been in a similar situation and its not nice to be blamed for everything. I can relate to how you feel.

Please know that you are doing the very best you can under difficult circumstances. 

Much love

1. Jx

[failingatthis]

so things really have gotten worse, I’m walking on egg shells and don’t know which version I’m getting on a daily basis dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde even tonight after telling her I’ve found a unit and will move out she exploded, constant telling me it’s my child fault it’s the ex wife’s fault it’s my fault I lied t her for 4 years of the relationship I played her for a fool and had no real feelings for her in the first place…..called me a piece of dirt and that I’ve put her family through utter bullshit and that I’m a horrible person, told me to take a long hard look at myself and reflect on the person I really am, I guess she’s right on that front, hats that I told someone at work a friend about our issues claiming she’s heard it from 7 other people……I don’t know that many people anymore, but it was ok for her to tell her family her version, I’m scared and feel alone now I won’t dare breathe a word to anyone I know about how life is, I’m struggling to keep it together as it is to the point where I’m breaking inside I need to make it through 2 more weeks and I’m gone, I don’t even know if I can do that 

[Juliet_84]

Hi failingatthis,

Well I think it is now abundantly clear (if it wasn’t already) that you have dodged a bullet! Your ex is obviously difficult and constantly changing plans to suit herself with little regard for you but there needs to be some element of flexibility with your partner. There are some women (and likely men too) who take everything the ex does as a personal affront, and in my experience that is often due to control and jealousy issues, neither of which bode very well when children are involved and custody. There are plenty of decent and understanding people out there, I think you just have to go through these times sometimes to get to them. It doesn’t help you now while you’re having to put up with the constant character assassinations but I think you’ll just have to let it wash over you until you’re out of there. Ignore the lies and delusions that she’s spouting, you know the truth and that’s all that matters. If anyone needs to take a long hard look at themselves it’s usually the one yelling and berating. I wish you strength during this tough time, this too shall pass (it may pass like a kidney stone but it will pass!)

[JED1980]

Hey

None of this is your fault! Nor is it your childs fault.

Like i said before, you can't control what your ex does.

She is lashing out trying to hurt you, as she is in her own way hurting. This is not on, and as hard as it is, you just have to ignore it. 

You are not a horrible person. In any way, shape or form. You are doing what is right for you and there is nothing wrong with that.

I feel its going to be a long two weeks, but the end is in sight!! Hang in there. We are always here for you.

Take care 

JX