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Should I confront?

Bee1998
Community Member

So, I live with my partner and his mum and sister. My partner has just come back from a 2 week work trip. 
Ever since he got back, his mum and sister have been acting very cold towards me and not speaking to me. 
I also found out from my partner that they had messaged him in a private group chat to say they wanted to go for coffee with him to have a ‘family discussion.’ And specifically said for me not to come. 

My partner’s mum is normally really friendly with me, and has always told me I’m part of the family. So, hearing that I’m excluded from going with them for coffee over the weekend (especially since I live with all of them) has made me feel really confused and upset. 

I’m not sure if I’m being treated differently because they are jealous I have been spending more time with my partner since he got back, or what it is…..

but it’s making living there super uncomfortable for me, and I would like to know what their issue is with me. 

I also don’t respect them talking about me behind my back. If they have an issue regarding me, they should approach me, not go through my partner. 

Any advice on what to do from here would be greatly appreciated. Should I confront his mum and ask what the matter is? Not knowing what’s going on/ feeling like they don’t like me is starting to affect my mental health.

11 Replies 11

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Bee1998~

It sounds a bit of a puzzle as to why thier attitude seems ot have changed, however I'd think it was too early to draw conclusions at all.

 

As a partner is just that - a trusted  equal that should have your back, why not discuss the matter with him and see how you go?

 

Croix

 

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Bee1998

 

I'm guilty of having my sense of wonder turn into something stressful or angering or something else. Sometimes this sense of wonder points to me being spot on in regard to what I've been wondering about and sometimes I am so far off the mark. For example, while I may have been wondering why my husband's so disinterested in spending time with me, I should have been wondering about how it feels to not have the energy to spend time with me or anyone else after a thoroughly exhausting day at work.

 

Having your sense of wonder satisfied by your partner is something Croix points to. Asking him what the concern is sounds like a good start. 'Family business' could be anything, from his mum discussing writing a will through to a personal concern about a relative that his mum's been asked to keep under wraps, within immediate family. You  may even be partly on the money, sensing his family's wish to spend more time with him. A personal conversation may come down to them caring enough about you to not want to upset you or lead you to feel any sense of guilt regarding how they feel not having much time with him.

 

While a sense of wonder can be a truly brilliant and inspiring thing at times, I've also found it to be a form of mental torture on occasion. I hope you find the answers that come to put your mind at ease.

Earth Girl
Community Member

Hi Bee1998,

 

That must be very stressful having them ignore you and not even knowing why they are doing that. I think it would be good to say something to your partner like "Hey, I have noticed that you haven't been speaking to me lately and I was just wondering if I have done anything wrong?" Hopefully he will let you know and you can sort something out.

Bee1998
Community Member

So it has been confirmed that they don’t like me all of a sudden, as his sister and mum are now constantly calling out to my partner to come down stairs so they can talk to him. 
When he comes back to the room, he informs me of what they have been saying. 
His sister has a HUGE grudge over me for absolutely no reason, and same with his mum. 
When my partner and I got home yesterday together, I went straight upstairs to avoid any conflict with his sister (who is ignoring me), next thing I know, she’s on the phone to her mum bitching about me and telling her I went straight upstairs etc etc. Even my partner was extremely confused as to why his sister was being so horrible, and thinks she might be mentally unwell. 

Last night, his mum called out for both of us to come downstairs to talk. When I went down, I was ignored by both his mum and sister for an awkward amount of time, until I said, “is someone going to tell me what’s going on? You asked me to come downstairs and I have.” His mum responded, “Well that was before. Now I want to talk to my son.” The way she said this to me was very cold and hostile. 

They are making my life very difficult and uncomfortable at the moment and I am starting to feel anger build up inside of me.

Earth Girl
Community Member

I think your partner could possibly be right that your sister might be mentally unwell. I've experienced un-medicated psychosis and acted really out of control because of it. Maybe your partner could talk to your sister about seeing someone about this? Also, if possible, I would strongly advise you and your partner to move out for a little while at least and live somewhere else for a little while because this is going to really damage your mental health if his mother and sister keep acting like this.

 

Some people can hold huge grudges over people over very small or even minuscule things and not even talk to the person about it and they can actually get quite scary about it and try to get many people to gang up on the person they don't like. It's especially strange when people hold grudges for no reason/because the person does something that they find annoying even though there's nothing wrong with what the person has done.

 

Have you ever said anything about his mother or sister that they could have somehow found out about? Even if you did say something negative about them, they should act more grown up about it given their age.

 

Also, make sure your partner doesn't start acting like them and ignoring you and trying to control you because a partner acting like that is extra concerning. Your partner should be like a team player, not a boss.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Bee1998~

I'm not surprised you are getting angry, dislike and rudeness for no reason is frustrating and hard ot deal with, though I'm sure you will.

 

I"d imagine it may be hard for your partner too. To be pulled in opposite directions, one way by a family he has known all his life, and the other by his partner, you. There really can't be a middle course, you need support and if he is your partner he needs to give it and put you first. It's that simple.

 

I'm afraid I had a similar situation, my parents were very class conscious and embedded in the church. Looking back I think they regarded me as an extension of their wishes rather than love. When I decided to marry they were completely against the match, deeming my future wife 'unsuitable' and telling me to break off. I did not and was subsequently formally disinherited.

 

Actually that was the best favor they could have done me, I grew up fast, looking after my wife and then our offspring.  I'm afraid they remained toxic for thier rest of lives however I lived extremely happily with that 'unsuitable' person until she past away 25 years later.

 

We are here for you anytime

 

Croix

Earth Girl
Community Member

I've heard that if someone is acting hostile towards you, it can be a sign that they feel threatened. Do you think your mother and sister might feel like your partner likes you more/spends a lot more time with you now than he does with them? This isn't your fault, or your partner's either, but maybe you could get your brother to go on a few outings with just his Mum and other outings with just his sister and he could ask them if they could just talk about their relationship and not bring you up during these outings? Hopefully his mother and sister will be able to feel like they are still a big part of his life again and stop seeing you as a threat. It would also be really good if they could learn to see you as a friend because you aren't trying to hurt them and you haven't done anything to them.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Bee1998

 

That sounds so incredibly frustrating. How can you hope to resolve any issues if no one is looking for ways to resolve them, such as with talking it out? This sounds like something you're fully prepared to do, based on what you say.

 

The anger is understandable. If everyone was choosing to lead me to feel uncomfortable, I'd be pretty upset too. If your partner's family don't want to discuss issues with you, I think your partner needs to start demanding answers so that things can be resolved or different living arrangements can be considered. It's a dreadful state to be living in, dreading how people are going to treat you, what they're going to say to you, how they're going to behave around you. So important for mental health to not be living under such dreadful, depressing or angering conditions. You definitely face a tough situation. Do you think the anger could be a build up or lead up to complete intolerance, in regard to what you're finding so incredibly difficult to tolerate? I hope your partner's not expecting you to tolerate it, in order to make his life easier in some way. Can be hard for some, feeling stuck in the middle of conflict, yet it remains their challenge to manage it constructively. Easier said than done at times.

 

I wish you only the best Bee in your way forward through conflict resolution and personal wellbeing.

Bee1998
Community Member

I want to start off by thanking each and every one of you who have taken the time to write a response back to me. I am finding your responses extremely helpful and am definitely feeling your support, so thank you so much. 

A quick update on what has been happening…

I went and spent the day at my grandparents house on Monday. 1. Because I felt too uncomfortable to be home on my own with my partner’s mum and sister , and 2. So I could be around love and support. 
I decided to type up a letter to my partner’s mum and sister, to express my feelings about what has been happening. 
I spent a good hour pouring my heart into this letter. My Grandma read over it and made sure I corrected any parts that might have come across angry. It turned out to be a really loving and caring letter. I explained how I was feeling, and also expressed my gratitude for them allowing me to live with them etc. 

 

I told his mum that night that I had a letter for her, and she immediately asked, “What does it say?” At first I didn’t know what to say, because the whole point was for her to read it…. but I ended up saying, “It’s just a letter expressing my feelings, but it is a nice letter.” 
She said she would read it, but she just left it sitting on the chest of drawers and didn’t bother to take it with her. 

I decided to leave it out for them over night on the top of the stairs. It sat there for the whole day unopened. It has been moved, but the envelope was still sealed. 
This made me really annoyed, and I told my partner that was the final straw for me. I am no longer going to make effort for them. They clearly don’t want to resolve the mess they have caused. 

Here I am making all of the effort , despite being the one attacked / the one who never had an issue in the first place.