Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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JR1401 Marriage breakdown - wisdom needed
  • replies: 8

Hi BB community, I’m a bit lost and hoping for some wisdom. I have been together with my wife for over a decade, married for half and have 2 kids together. Up until recently I was unaware how unhappy my wife was in the marriage, and it wasn’t until s... View more

Hi BB community, I’m a bit lost and hoping for some wisdom. I have been together with my wife for over a decade, married for half and have 2 kids together. Up until recently I was unaware how unhappy my wife was in the marriage, and it wasn’t until she requested counselling that it all came out. I was slow to grasp the seriousness of the situation and had some adverse emotional reactions - I was blindsided when she opened up which didn’t help the situation. On reflection I understand how we got here, my wife was feeling under appreciated in the relationship, wasn’t getting the attention she needed or deserved, and the spark between us was lost. We both have very demanding and stressful jobs and with 2 young kids we didn’t prioritise our relationship. That being said we have always spent a lot of time with each other and as a family and up until recently barely had any arguments. Since understanding the seriousness of our situation I have been doing everything I can to save the relationship, have bared my soul, tried to reestablish communication, agreed to counselling and was under the impression we were both on the same page with getting through this. Fast forward 3 months and I discovered she has been having an emotional affair with a male friend which started around the same time she flagged relationship issues. This was something I confronted her about as I had noticed a change in her behaviours, not something that she came to me with. We also had our first counselling session recently and agreed with the counsellor we wanted to work through it, but the very next day she said she wants to separate and we have now started that process. We both have very different coping mechanisms, I’m trying to talk through my feelings while she is shutting down which hasn’t helped. I’m absolutely floored. Within 3 months our lives have been turned upside down and I’m struggling to comprehend and keep up with the speed of this. I still have feelings for my wife and would like to work through, we are being amicable as we discuss next steps but I’m concerned we’re about to make some pretty big decisions that will impact the rest of our lives without having had time to fully work this through. She has agreed to continue counselling short term before we make some of the bigger decisions, but I feel this is heading one way. I would be interested to hear if anyone has been through something similar and if any sound advice or reference materials you would recommend. Thanks!

cam003 Relationships after abuse: how to deal with love and loss??
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am new here and this is my first post. I spent 2 years in an abusive relationship, and then 3 years single and recovering before I met my partner (we are both in early 30s). I did have some difficulties learning to let someone into my life agai... View more

Hi, I am new here and this is my first post. I spent 2 years in an abusive relationship, and then 3 years single and recovering before I met my partner (we are both in early 30s). I did have some difficulties learning to let someone into my life again, and he wasn't really looking for a relationship ship at the time. We have been together almost 3 years now, seeing each other on weekends. We live 1 hour apart and this has always put a strain on things as we have very busy lives. Arguments have been escalating since we bought a bus and renovation plans got underway. The bus is at his parents house for logistical reasons and I am struggling to contribute to it with equal time and money. He feels like the longer the project takes, the more of his life wastes away and now he sees me as holding the project back. We were struggling to find a compromise that keeps everyone happy and yesterday we had a disagreement that will likely end our relationship for good. I was really looking forward to this future with him so I am mourning the loss of him in my life as well as this dream of bus life. I don't see this being resolved and I am not sure I want to if we can't find a way to communicate better as arguments are still triggering for me and when he is hurt his nervous response is 'attack or be attacked'. I have suggested couples therapy but he is not keen/doesn't think it will help. I have been through terrible break ups before (leaving an abuse relationship was very difficult) but somehow, I feel even more betrayed that I have let this man into my life and have been hurt again. I've been crying non stop, feel nauseous, and completely irrational. I thought after what I've been through previously, I would be better at coping. I know time will help as it is obviously very fresh... to be honest I am not even really sure what I am asking with this post. I am so exhausted of trying so hard and of being hurt. Why is this so hard and how is it ever possible to love again when loss is so incredibly painful?

Scorpio89 How can I help my partner who has anger issues?
  • replies: 2

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 2.5 year old daughter. He brought us a house in December 2019 from an insurance pay out he received from a work related car accident where he broke his back and was financially compensated. He has... View more

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 2.5 year old daughter. He brought us a house in December 2019 from an insurance pay out he received from a work related car accident where he broke his back and was financially compensated. He has become a very angry man since COVID has hit. We live in rural QLD and his family are in NSW and it has been difficult for him as we have been unable to see them due to the recurring border restrictions. Prior to these restrictions, we were travelling the 7 hours each way to visit his family once a month. Now the borders are open, his parents have said they will be coming to visit us in the next week as they’ve not seen the home he purchased. My partner is dreading this and I believe it is because he has punched holes in most of the walls of our home due to his anger issues. He is a smoker of marijuana, and has a number of “sessions” daily. I am unsure of the price of his addiction, but I know he “gets on” every day, or every second day depending on his supplier. He is not a very hands in father, returning home from work at 3pm, going straight to his stash to have a session, barely acknowledging myself or our daughter - who is very excited to see him. I am a stay at home mother through the day, and I am a very hands on parent keeping our daughter active with swimming lessons, dance classes, park play dates with other children her age and daily activities such as library visits, painting and various sensory activities. I then go to my night job at 4pm and return home at about 8:30pm I am unsure what exactly takes place while I am at work, but I know his temper is very short and I have noticed of late our daughter appears to be scared of him, particularly when he raises his voice. She gets a terrified look on her face, runs to me crying and will not calm down for several minutes. I have never witnessed him physically harm her and she has no evidence of physical abuse, but I have witnessed her go out to him with books or toys while he is “unwinding” or “having a session” and he yells at her to leave him alone etc. I have booked him a number of GP appointments to have a mental health care plan done and as he is indigenous he has an annual health check, but he has stormed out of the GP clinic on more than one occasion as they are not on time and he refuses to wait. He said his time is important and it is rude to keep people waiting, especially those who are experiencing mental health issues. What now?

white knight The dilemma thread. Things you cant work out
  • replies: 1

This thread is designed for members to obtain different answers to their dilemmas. So by getting several opinions we might just sort it out easier. I'll kick off my dilemma now- A good friend I have gets distracted easily when anyone talks to her. Ob... View more

This thread is designed for members to obtain different answers to their dilemmas. So by getting several opinions we might just sort it out easier. I'll kick off my dilemma now- A good friend I have gets distracted easily when anyone talks to her. Obviously I feel her distraction is at alarming levels to a point that it effects our communication. Up front I'll say that if I'm distracted while talking I lose track of my point of conversation and if she doesnt remember (due to being distracted) then the chat has gone for good. That's a risk that I'm aware of so I try to keep my talking short for that reason. Recently my wife joined this friend and her husband outside a cafe. This cafe had a house about 100 metres away where her husband had walked passed a few days earlier and his dog (and him) were chased by the dog from that house. Council attended and action followed. I was chatting to our friend about vacuum cleaners of all topics and a lady walking a small dog walked past that house and my friend's attention focussed on that fact to the point whereby I knew she wasnt absorbing my words. This continued for about 15 seconds when I abandoned talking and waited. She remained focussed and no alarmed I stopped talking. About 45 seconds later she stopped focussing on the lady and the dog and turned her attention to my wife and her own husband eg didnt return her focus to me so I could continue about vacuums. This irritated me and as usual I was tempted to let it go. Frankly I'm tired of it. It's as if her interest was zero. So I asked her, if she wanted to listen to my chat about the vacuums and she replied "were we talking about vacuums"?. I told her not to worry about it. She then remembered and said she "was worried about the safety of the little dog as that attacking dog as it might come out and attack it". My reply was- that, "unless you are going to warn the owner of the dog, worrying about it isnt going to resolve anything and it might be better to continue our conversation rather than remove all focus from what I was talking about." She went on that it was normal to be concerned and normal to be distracted. My side was that it is ok to be distracted but not to the point whereby your attention is so removed that the other person is left dangling ...talking to no one. I dont have this situation with anyone else. It's not a serious issue but is annoying and a dilemma I'm irritated about. What do you think? TonyWK

MoanaMarie Parental alienation
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, I am hoping to make contact with other parents who have or are experiencing parental alienation. It is so very hard to deal with this, and especially when everyone you know has at least some sort of relationship with their child. In my c... View more

Hi everyone, I am hoping to make contact with other parents who have or are experiencing parental alienation. It is so very hard to deal with this, and especially when everyone you know has at least some sort of relationship with their child. In my case, I am unable to have a relationship with my 40 year old son. There have been difficulties for many years, and over the years he has become increasingly erratic and abusive. He has a long standing issue with drug use and he lives on the streets. He no longer works and has had criminal issues as well. The rest of the family have written him off years ago but I have continued to try to maintain a connection, but it has become too abusive with threats of harm and violence towards me. So I have to stop now. My family are supporting me, and I also have a counsellor I see each week. But even with all that support I still feel terribly sad and worried about him. I worry he will end his life or somehow harm himself. He has no friends, is very much a loner. He is delusional and very grandiose and a lot of the time is clearly not seeing things for what they are. He will not agree to any form of mental health support or care. I have tried on several occasions to get him mental health assessment and support but he will not participate in it at all. He has no wish to have a relationship with any of the family. It is so hard to accept that a child you love does not have the same feelings for you as a parent, and hard to accept that he does not want me or any family in his life and he is not interested in help of any sort, other than financial. I would like to hear from any other parents with similar experiences. I feel I am caught in endless grief and worry even though I cannot do anything. I feel powerless and helpless and alone. This situation has gone on for more than 20 years but worse than ever now. Thank you for reading this.

Elle_gross Separation anxiety?
  • replies: 3

Recently I got into this weird “more than friends” thing and it’s giving me such anxiety. We both want to focus on our studies since it’s our senior year so we decided to agree to start the real relationship by the end of senior year. Because of that... View more

Recently I got into this weird “more than friends” thing and it’s giving me such anxiety. We both want to focus on our studies since it’s our senior year so we decided to agree to start the real relationship by the end of senior year. Because of that decision he talks to me around 2-3 hours a day. I’m just in constant anxiety even though I know it’s because he wants to focus on himself and study for the moment:(( Like the negative thoughts in my head keep telling me that if he was really interested in me enough he would talk to me more. I’m honestly considering if I have some sort of abandonment issues or separation anxiety If he doesn’t talk to me often I just assume it’s because he doesn’t want to. I know it’s not a healthy behaviour for me because I even get jealous of his friends that get to spend time with him even though I know I shouldn’t be! Like 2-3 hours isn’t enough for me. But it doesn’t seem like it bothers him so much which hurts me a bit too:(( These strong emotions keep me from my hobbies and studying. I’ve talked to him about this issue before and he told me I need to be productive too and that caring for me is making sure I am the best I can be. He says he doesn’t want to hold me back. I was productive today but I just ended up feeling worse in the end from all the suppressing and distracting my true emotions. Please help me on how to cope or if this even is the right path for me!

Bookworm_01 Lost
  • replies: 7

So a few months ago i separated from my boyfriend i was living with, it felt mutual but also not. I brought up issues one night that i was having about not connecting and wanting to spend more time together and he kind of blamed it on not liking the ... View more

So a few months ago i separated from my boyfriend i was living with, it felt mutual but also not. I brought up issues one night that i was having about not connecting and wanting to spend more time together and he kind of blamed it on not liking the same things and said i wasn't social enough... anyway i moved back home an hour away from where i lived with him. But the friends i had are back there and were his friends girlfriend etc. I feel isolated and alone. I've attempted to reconnect with old friends but have been finding it hard to communicate or plan events with them. I've also reached out to the friends that i kept while i moved away but feel as though they have no time for me. I'm sick of putting myself out there to plan events and getting nothing in return. I will message people and they will have plans but they never reach out back to me. I continuously put myself put there and get rejected and it makes me not want to put myself out there anymore. I go days without talking to anyone. I'm tired of feeling so alone.

Lazlo New to this amazingly supportive forum
  • replies: 18

Hi. I've been reading this forum for a few days now and am really touched by the support everyone has for each other. It's great to think there are people in the world who genuinely care about complete strangers. It's inspired me to post about my sit... View more

Hi. I've been reading this forum for a few days now and am really touched by the support everyone has for each other. It's great to think there are people in the world who genuinely care about complete strangers. It's inspired me to post about my situation. I'm 41 and my 15 year relationship with the love of my life has just ended. I was certain that we would be together forever, so I'm completely shell-shocked right now. It's been a couple of months now but I've only really begun to accept it in the last week or two. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for about 10 years (that's when it was diagnosed), on and off medication during that time. It is the biggest factor in my partners feeling that she can't be with me any longer. So, I'm faced with the prospect of starting from scratch. I don't have a job and haven't really worked for almost 8 years. It's hard to picture a situation where an employer would bother considering me for a position. I lost contact with my friends years ago and don't put myself out there, so making new ones seems impossible. I just feel like things are hopeless. I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to make the changes in myself necessary to get back on track. I really want to be the person I know I can be. I've been him before so it's in me somewhere. I've started seeing a new psychologist, but it's a challenge opening up to her. It's hard not to see her as a stranger I've only known for 4 hours. And now the appointments are on the phone which makes it harder. I feel that the anonymity of this forum will help me be more open and I can get a bit of the support I need. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Adrian

Herefortheforums 2 nights in a row I’ve dreamt about my crush, what do these mean?
  • replies: 3

Hi The last 2 nights in a row I’ve dreamt about my crush and really trying to make sense of what the dreams mean the first night I was in a car park running from something (not sure what) and had to get away, but the only way I could see getting away... View more

Hi The last 2 nights in a row I’ve dreamt about my crush and really trying to make sense of what the dreams mean the first night I was in a car park running from something (not sure what) and had to get away, but the only way I could see getting away was in her car. In reality, she drives a white car but in the dream it was black. Where it gets weird is that I was in the passenger seat and the car then was moving but no one in the drivers seat? Last night; I dreamt I was lucky enough to go over her house, as the dream progressed it became more about meeting her parents and quite randomly, mine were also there. Seems they offered me dinner and my parents joined in also, she was there but again..the dream was more focused on her parents and my interactions with them. any thoughts for people who know about this kind of stuff? This girl I think is pretty special and not hard to see why she’s in my dreams to begin with. She’s always been a guarded girl so I guess it’s not always as easy as ‘ask her out’

C_Del Boyfriend has separated with me, can i get him back
  • replies: 8

4 days ago i got txt from my BF saying he wanted to break up. His reasons were that he doesnt feel an emotional or sexual connection with me. This has happened before but we have always got back together. During our relationship he has told me that h... View more

4 days ago i got txt from my BF saying he wanted to break up. His reasons were that he doesnt feel an emotional or sexual connection with me. This has happened before but we have always got back together. During our relationship he has told me that he is falling for me and we have been intimate at times but he has told me that his sex drive is very low and its not something he feels like doing often. He has said its not my fault and that i turn him on and he wanted to get help and fix the situation. He never did seek help however and now i feel he is pushing me away again because he feels i deserve someone who can offer me more. The other times he has pushed me away there have been issues that he was facing and didnt want to be a burden on me but he uses the excuse of sexual connection. After reading the signs of depression i wonder if he is depressed and doesnt know any other way than to push me away. He has low libido, doesnt sleep very well, constantly tired and wants to just sit at his flat on his bed watching tv or on his phone and has said before that he has anxiety at times. Im lost with what to do!! I love this guy immensely and want to be with him but feel like he will keep pushing me away. His upbringing wasnt the greatest and i believe his relationships with women have been a little unsteady. We really do have the best connection and he even says im his best friend. We will txt each other at the same time and even about the same thing all the time. Please if anyone can give any insight into how i can reach out to him and help him and get our relationship back i would be very grateful. What we have is way to special to give up on so easily.....