Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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barty567 I made a mistake on NYE and am now being 'iced out' by my girlfriend
  • replies: 7

Hi all, first time poster. I'm currently in a stable, loving relationship with my girlfriend though we have had occasional rough patches like the one we are currently going through now. Last night my girlfriend came around after her work for NYE, and... View more

Hi all, first time poster. I'm currently in a stable, loving relationship with my girlfriend though we have had occasional rough patches like the one we are currently going through now. Last night my girlfriend came around after her work for NYE, and we had a pretty relaxed evening with no drama. We were originally planning to go out to see the midnight fireworks in person, but we were watching a movie and lost track of time. By the time the fireworks started we could only see then from my apartment window, and honestly the view was pretty bad and she was pretty dissapointed. I apologised for the mistake, but she immediately she became very cold, went to sleep, and has practically blanked me all of new years day. I've messaged her saying I'm there for her if she needs me for anything, but have just received unusually cold replies assuring me she is fine. Similar situations have occured in the past with smaller issues, and while I understand I am at fault, I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas how I can prevent these sorts of scenarios from occuring in the future. I also get very depressed and feel guilt in these scenarios, but am not sure how to talk to her about this in a way that in non-confrontational since I don't want to invalidate her own feelings. I just want both of us to be able to talk about these things so we can build a stronger relationship. I appreciate your time in reading and replying

Goanna02 Miserable
  • replies: 6

Hi, first time using this forum. Hope I’m posting this in the correct area. I’m feeling so miserable. My husband has his birthday today. I’m meant to go to a bbq with his friends and their partners who all know each other. I’m not feeling well at all... View more

Hi, first time using this forum. Hope I’m posting this in the correct area. I’m feeling so miserable. My husband has his birthday today. I’m meant to go to a bbq with his friends and their partners who all know each other. I’m not feeling well at all, I’m teary and feel like I should go along with him. I’m not great at socialising at the best of times, and am feeling really bad if I don’t go with him. He has already left and is waiting for me to turn up. I feel as though I don’t fit in with his group of friends as am not a big drinker (they all are). I’m just so sad and tired and have no energy. He suffers from back pain and is normally down and negative and snappy and says he doesn’t want to live every day. This brings me even more sadness and I feel guilty if I don’t go and try to enjoy this night with him. I am normally feeling down most days, but today I feel 10 times worse. Sorry for the big essay. Does anyone else feel like this with their partner/husband?

EightPaws Raising Teens After Separation - Threat of Leaving
  • replies: 2

I posted recently that my 13 year old son stopped seeing me. Nothing has changed with that sadly but I'm still hopeful. Reflecting on why my he doesn't want to see me, I've been thinking about what I will do differently when (if) he comes back. One t... View more

I posted recently that my 13 year old son stopped seeing me. Nothing has changed with that sadly but I'm still hopeful. Reflecting on why my he doesn't want to see me, I've been thinking about what I will do differently when (if) he comes back. One thing I'm really concerned with is how to 'parent' and not upset him again. The concern is that if I do or say anything which is out of line with his views and desires, he'll just disappear again to my former partners house. I feel I have to let him rule the roost (so to speak) in order to have him in my life. I know this all comes down to how I communicate but unfortunately, despite years of trying to become better at that, I am still blunt and direct. I don't think I can magically become the person he wants as much as I wish that is possible. I wonder if anyone else has experience with this kind of issue and can offer advice?

PHM Seasonal breakup & possible emotional affair
  • replies: 1

Hi all, A supportive friend of mine recommended the BB forums to help with an issue I've been dealing with this week, so Hi and thanks for listening. My wife recently decided she wanted to end the marriage. While the news was a heartbreaker, I felt t... View more

Hi all, A supportive friend of mine recommended the BB forums to help with an issue I've been dealing with this week, so Hi and thanks for listening. My wife recently decided she wanted to end the marriage. While the news was a heartbreaker, I felt the timing was also an extra twist. I admit this year has had its' stresses. Covid, juggling a family, different work schedules and work loads and not having much time for each other. The communication was short and time together less so. So tension and stress grew with both of us. I tried to understand this, tried to make the best of our situation and kept moving forward, but it now appears she started to take it personally. Any issues we had I, maybe naively, thought we could fix with some extra attention and TLC. Those who knew us thought so too. But it felt like only one was trying. In the fallout she's used my negative instances from being tired/stressed/frustrated to characterise me as a person. Which she's stated as the reason she can't be with me anymore. I mentioned often, especially in recent months that we need to connect more. She seemed to agree and we moved forward. Even in the weeks leading up to the announcement she seemed OK with me and the relationship. But in the week prior she went cold. My children noticed it and, in the wake, I noticed an unknown male name commenting on her Social pages in that time, with my wife being very friendly in return. I asked her who he was and he was a childhood friend. I later found they'd been DMing non stop during that week and she'd been calling him for hours on end. All during the time I was desperate to talk/connect with her, with no interest. It really hurts the way she prioritised things. I understand this is part of an emotional affair and it really hurts. Since the break, she hasn't let up on the other connection and, while we've agreed to counselling, I'm at a loss how to handle it. I do love her and know any issues we had were workable, but I feel trust will be a big obstacle, especially while she's still wrapped up in this happier connection. Sorry for the length and thanks for hearing me out. If anybody has been in a similar spot, or if there's something there somebody could comment on (good or bad) I'd appreciate it.

MayMusic Separation Regret
  • replies: 5

I am separating from my husband of 23 years, but I feel guilty and unsure of whether I’m really doing the right thing. I was widowed very young and he took on me and my children, providing a home, paying for schooling, holidays, etc. He’s always been... View more

I am separating from my husband of 23 years, but I feel guilty and unsure of whether I’m really doing the right thing. I was widowed very young and he took on me and my children, providing a home, paying for schooling, holidays, etc. He’s always been moody and bad-tempered, but also is very loving and generous with money and gifts. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and so I’ve forgiven a lot of moody stuff because of that. A few years ago, I found texts, emails, chats with other women online. We had counselling and I stayed. Regretfully, I told my adult children all about this and so they all hate him and were disappointed that I initially stayed (but they supported my decision regardless). I feel so bad about sharing that information as I have burdened them with the knowledge, and I’ve effectively destroyed any relationship he had with all of them. Now that am actually leaving, they are all happy about this. He is completely heartbroken and angry. He says I am his best friend and he’s always done everything for me (like renovating the house, buying nice cars etc), and this is true, but it was the moods, and then his dishonesty which brought me to this point. If I’m honest, I have let my children influence my decision too. I feel unsure, weak (unable to make my own decision and stick to it) and so conflicted. If I go, our future with a lovely home, security, companionship (despite the moods) is gone and we are both sad. If I stay, I’m pretty sure that my kids will disown me, so I lose my family and that kills me, plus I’ll still be putting up with his bad temper and moods. I feel stuck in a circle of indecision and regret and I feel wretched. I’d appreciate advice on how to make a decision and feel at peace with it.

Tevilo My friend is dating a sexual abuser, how do I tell her?
  • replies: 3

My friend and soon to be roommate is dating someone whom I know personally has sexually abused other friends of mine multiple times. I found out earlier in the year of this from friends themselves, and one of my roommates who was good friends with hi... View more

My friend and soon to be roommate is dating someone whom I know personally has sexually abused other friends of mine multiple times. I found out earlier in the year of this from friends themselves, and one of my roommates who was good friends with him confronted him, to which he very clearly bullshitted and went straight on defensive at it being brought up (it was pretty clear he was guilty, and duh these girls had no reason to lie, one of them ended up moving out because of him and he was nearly kicked out by management when the girl brought it up, but she just wanted to be done with it so they let him stay). My friend has been dating this person a large portion of the year and they are at the love stage and everything. This guy is a big member of our friend group and due to me having a lot of personal fears of abandonment by the group if I stir trouble as has happened previously, as well and more importantly, these friends told me this about him in confidence and I don’t know how they would feel if I outed him, I feel almost like it’s not my place. I hate his guts and avoid him where ever possible but I’m really worried about the new year because he’ll be at the apartment constantly with my friend. I really want to tell my friend, I didn’t really know her when they first started dating and I was only just finding out about him and it’s so far into the relationship I don’t know how she will react. I’m so confused and have been for months on what to do, I’m really worried for her and feel like she deserves to know the truth, but again I don’t know whether it’s my place and how she will feel about finding out. What do I do? He doesn’t deserve to be in the friend group but again, he is popular, there are nearly 15 of us who hang out regularly most of them guys who are close to him, and I’m scared it will get brushed under the rug and I’ll make an enemy of myself with the people who I’m living with since we’re all in student accommodation. Someone please help me, I don’t know what to do I feel awful for not telling her but I’m so conflicted. Desperately in need of advice.

Saddays I have hurt the love of my life
  • replies: 4

Hi all, this is my first time posting but I need some advice. Over eight years ago I was in a toxic relationship and also had kids with this person. The relationship has ended and I have gone through the most rough break up whilst being a mother to m... View more

Hi all, this is my first time posting but I need some advice. Over eight years ago I was in a toxic relationship and also had kids with this person. The relationship has ended and I have gone through the most rough break up whilst being a mother to my children. To cut a long story short it has ended up being in family court for many years and was settle for 50/50 custody as time went on the kids father has manipulated for my children to dislike me as there mother and was taking them all of time which has now resulted in the kids wanting to live there father. I could of taken it back to court but when is enough is enough. Since than I have tried moving on my life to the best of my ability I have suffered grief, separation aniexty from not seeing my kids and some days are better than others. Which I have only not had the kids in care for two years now. Moving forward in the last 12 months I have been a relationship that is loving and the complete opposite to what I have experience. He loves me, compliments me, supports me everything you ever want in relationship. This guy is my soul mate and I thought he was the one. Every time I struggle with my emotions I don’t open up about it with dealing with my past I bottle it up to the point I have outbursts of anger and aggression and hurt the person that loves and supports me. i hate my self for it after I am remorseful and which I could take it all back but i have taken it too far but when it is happening I am out of control and unable to stop myself having these anger outbursts and being so hurtful towards my partner which he has not caused. The problem I believe that I do not deserve to have partner that treats me so well, I lack a lot self confidence because of my past and always seek validation because of how I have been treated in the past. I need help to able to stop destroying the person I love and to stop destroying our relationship and be able to control my emotions and move forward in my life and being the person I am 80% of time not the evil person with anger outbursts. Our relationship is happy when I don’t do this and we are both happy but when my emotions get to me I always feel that there is no end to these feelings and I am not happy about anything. some advice or help to help me move forward and enjoy life will be very much appreciated.

Asics Family Christmas and the past
  • replies: 3

I am totally fed up with family sheit. I have a family history going back generations of violence in the home. I am the eldest of our three kids...and every time I get to have what I think is quality time with my sister she tells me yet another story... View more

I am totally fed up with family sheit. I have a family history going back generations of violence in the home. I am the eldest of our three kids...and every time I get to have what I think is quality time with my sister she tells me yet another story from our childhood where I was violent to her. I have no such memories. I have a mother who is cold and unemotive..except about how brilliant other people are. I have just got home...alone..and the conversations are overwhelming. I feel like the worst sister ever... I feel like a fraud of a mother and feel that I have totally wasted my professional life. I feel really very shit. I don't want to revisit the conversation with my sister...but I don't want to again be blindsided.. I feel unworthy of my kids... I feel worthless and that I ruined my sister's life... And it all started with me asking whether we had a fun childhood... I hate it.. I hate feeling this terrible... I have sat outside and bawled my eyes out.. I am 56 ...and want to be a better grandmother than what I am as a mother...but with this constant negative closet...that is not even mine...how can I get better... I am angry I am alone I am very unhappy...

white knight Family gatherings- continuous toxicity
  • replies: 3

What is a toxic family member? My interpretation is- a family member that regularly applies direct or indirect hurt verbally with the intention to gain an adverse reaction for their own benefit be it revenge, to gain popularity or monetary gain or ex... View more

What is a toxic family member? My interpretation is- a family member that regularly applies direct or indirect hurt verbally with the intention to gain an adverse reaction for their own benefit be it revenge, to gain popularity or monetary gain or expression of jealousy. We have all just had our xmas so there would be many members here that have not had a xmas they want to remember. Family gatherings I often say - is like Russian Roulette, taking a chance it will all go well without conflict. If you have a 50/50 chance of conflict at your xmas gathering based on past episodes, then why would you gamble again and again meeting up with toxic relatives? It isnt logical, are you living on hope? I have a friend that divides his xmas. My friend and wife visit his younger sister, BIL and kids on xmas eve, his elderly parents for xmas lunch and his adult daughter and husband on xmas dinner. All are estranged except for him and his wife. So, his wife and him are close to all of them. A couple of years ago he calmly told each group that they loved them all and wanted to be close and neutral with all of them and so talking about others wont be tolerated. On Boxing day he holds a gathering of all his friends. Carefully chosen friends that have no social issues with his family. He often suggests to me that that gathering is his best xmas of all as they are chosen whereas his family isnt, more like obligation. He has a point. We usually attend family xmas's because we are obligated. My family 40 years ago was similar in that I was often with service personnel on a mission so my "family" for xmas were other troops. There was never controversy but when my defence time ended there was always an argument at a family get together usually xmas. It seemed xmas wasnt complete for my mother unless it included a big uproar. I had the choice after many years and I ended up choosing to experience xmas without her on the basis of - that my xmas is under my control, I can risk it or guarantee to enjoy it. Every xmas since has been amazing including this one just gone. They say "you cant choose your family" I've proved otherwise. So think about it. Your stability of mental health and general happiness is paramount and is not worth the gamble Russian roulette gives. The odds aren't good enough. TonyWK

_Sky_ Feeling lost
  • replies: 5

My husband of 15 years told me Christmas day he wants to go overseas to work for 3 years with or without the kids and i. The kids and i dont speak the language only he does. Boxing day he told me he loves me but isnt in love with me and hasnt been fo... View more

My husband of 15 years told me Christmas day he wants to go overseas to work for 3 years with or without the kids and i. The kids and i dont speak the language only he does. Boxing day he told me he loves me but isnt in love with me and hasnt been for years. He says he wants to sew someone to be better and wants us to see someone. I didnt see this coming. He had been seemingly happy only complaining the normal amount about mundane things. Im hurt, angry, sad and lost. I don't know how to help him