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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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splodge Adoption is a curse
  • replies: 41

I have always been depressed. I think of myself as a normal person but then I get a sickening jolt and realise that I am not. I blame this on being adopted. I was adopted as a baby in 1971 in London. Times were harsh I think for young women in that p... View more

I have always been depressed. I think of myself as a normal person but then I get a sickening jolt and realise that I am not. I blame this on being adopted. I was adopted as a baby in 1971 in London. Times were harsh I think for young women in that period. The sexual liberation of the 60s had come in but contraception was newfangled and abortion still illegal. It was also unacceptable for women to have children outside of wedlock. The result was a boom in illegitimate babies. Nowadays the norm is for open adoptions. This means that although the adoptive parents are the legal parents of the baby, that baby has full rights to know about it's biological parents. When I was adopted things were a lot more restricted and biological mothers and babies were estranged from each other. This seems completely twisted today but that was the reality. Not only that but the adoptive parents were never educated in any way to provide the support that an adopted child should have. The result for me was that I have had a really unhappy life. That is despite having prosperous, well educated and conscientious adoptive parents. Despite that seemingly advantageous beginning my life has always been wrong somehow. I have always been emotionally disturbed from a young age. I was obsessed as a child with "dreaming" . This dominated my young life and involved galloping up and down the room and living in a fantasy world. I also used to make little "spots" with cushions - places I tried to feel calm and safe. I was angry and destructive as a child and would throw away my birthday and Christmas presents. I loathed my birthdays. I tore up and threw away any photos with me in them. Adolescence was absolute hell. I had functioned well socially until then but then I realised something was wrong. I was unable to form relationships. My friends developed normally. They progressed into adulthood to sex, girlfriends, wives, careers and so on. I have never progressed past this point. I forced myself in my mid 20s to form relationships but it didn't work out well. I backed off in my late 20s to my lasting regret. I have now lived without any sex, love or intimacy for over 15 years. I have a postgraduate degree but unlike all my friends who have professional middle class jobs I have always lived on the margins. Now in middle age I realise that I am a really sick person.

Ashii Setting boundaries with family who have mental illness
  • replies: 3

I’ve posted here before about my experience being a carer to a sibling with mental illness.I’ve been having a lot of trouble with setting boundaries. My boundaries are often disregarded, forcefully entered (in the sense of my bedroom and personal spa... View more

I’ve posted here before about my experience being a carer to a sibling with mental illness.I’ve been having a lot of trouble with setting boundaries. My boundaries are often disregarded, forcefully entered (in the sense of my bedroom and personal space) and setting boundaries usually results in self harm, manipulation and/or anger.my sibling has also spoken about feeling possessive of me, jealous when I’m hanging out with friends and has previously said they enjoy causing other people pain when angry and feeling little to no remorse. They’re in contact regularly with mental health services and are looking into a BPD diagnosis.I have been thinking about potentially moving in with just the two of us, particularly because their support needs, but I’m unsure if that will make my current problem worse. Any advice around this would be appreciated.I’m wondering if I should contact their psychologist about what I’ve mentioned here and I’m also wondering how I can set boundaries in a way that has less impact than it does currently. Thanks for reading.

Velour Work situation, am I reading the flirting right?
  • replies: 3

So, I know this guy through a work situation. I can’t really go into details because it’s a bit complicated. But suffice it to say, he shouldn’t be flirting with me. I have two problems. 1. I’m not exactly sure how to read the situation and 2. I am n... View more

So, I know this guy through a work situation. I can’t really go into details because it’s a bit complicated. But suffice it to say, he shouldn’t be flirting with me. I have two problems. 1. I’m not exactly sure how to read the situation and 2. I am not very good at flirting. But, at different times, he has given me the following compliments: You are beautiful (he said this at least 2 or 3 times), I enjoy your company, you are a nice person, you always look nice, etc. He has caressed the top of my hand very gently, started giving me hugs when we would say goodbye, and one time he cupped the side of my cheek in his hand very gently. Sometimes he would also sit so close to me that our feet would touch, and one time he gently touched my knee. One time we were having a casual conversation and he mentioned a beach location and said “that’s where people go for a quick getaway” (I couldn’t tell if that was a flirty hint or not.) It all feels very close and intimate and flirty, but any one thing, or even all of them, are plausibly deniable.Please tell me I’m not crazy…he is putting out some major signals here, right?! Would someone do and say all of this with ZERO intentions?? What sign do you think he looking for from me? Please give me advice for how I can put signals out back to him. I have flirted a little back but I’m afraid my interest doesn’t come across clear enough. The worst part is that I like him a lot and this makes me feel more shy around him! He knows that I care about him, I think we feel really close to each other for some reason, but it just hasn't moved forward beyond mutual attraction and flirting.

alina_01 I’m having a really hard time-
  • replies: 4

I bet half of you couldn’t care less, but my parents are really strict on studying. I’m still in year 7, but the moment I come back from school, I spend the time up until dinner studying, trying to get better. My parents say that they won’t scold me ... View more

I bet half of you couldn’t care less, but my parents are really strict on studying. I’m still in year 7, but the moment I come back from school, I spend the time up until dinner studying, trying to get better. My parents say that they won’t scold me for trying my hardest, but deep inside I think they want me to be more like my sister, smart, pretty and amazing. I started off in a low math class at the start of this year, and aimed to move up. There’s this boy in my class who is really popular, he used to be in my math class. I’d admit I had the tiniest crush on him, but I dumped the idea the moment he started picking on me. “You suck at math,” “Bruh, your handwriting is so bad, how do you even write stories?,” “You’ll never move up” and I lost so much hope, that I actually gave up. In the end, I failed my semester test, and ended up with a score of 81% and I couldn’t get a better score than him, so he was moved up instead of me. My parents didn’t show their disappointment, but I knew that they were. My sister started off as a smart kid, and I just started off dumb. I doubt I would ever move up, but I still kept trying. Every time I make a mistake I feel so dead. I don’t think I should even work this hard to get nothing. but if I don’t, my parents will be even more disappointed. They always look at my sister as an amazing person, and I’m just no one. They don’t treat me the way she gets treated. Not only am I not allowed social media and games, they think that every time I get a bad score is because I’m going behind their back and going on social media and playing games. They think that something is going on at school and keep asking me if any boys are embarrassing me. I just say it’s ok, but it never is. I can’t tell my parents this because if I do they would make me transfer schools, and I don’t want to. I just wanted a normal life, no drama. But because of that kid, I have to suck it all up and pretend he doesn’t exist. But he’s going to be in my class for a while, and with my friend crushing on him and asking me to observe him for her, and me trying to avoid him…. I don’t know how this is gonna turn out.

sparrowhawk Accepting a lost friendship
  • replies: 3

Almost four months ago I left a community where I'd been living for seven years and returned home to live with my family. I'd been really unwell for some time and realised the lifestyle was not helping me to recover. Since that time I've made progres... View more

Almost four months ago I left a community where I'd been living for seven years and returned home to live with my family. I'd been really unwell for some time and realised the lifestyle was not helping me to recover. Since that time I've made progress, found some work, reconnected with friends, and rebuilt relationships with my family - I'd had limited contact with them in that time. I was very close to one member of the community, she was like a mother, support, and friend all rolled into one. In hindsight, I was probably too close to her. One of the hardest things about leaving was realising that I wouldn't have the same relationship with her going forward, and that did make me sad -- yet I (perhaps foolishly) hoped we would continue to stay in touch. She took my leaving very hard. She hurt me quite deeply in the leadup towards my leaving, saying that it was harder for everyone else than for me, and that she was angry with me that I'd made the decision to go. She really made the last few days of my time there miserable, which was all very surprising as it seemed to me to be very out of character. Even my mum noticed a difference in her when she came to pick me up on the final day. When I've had brief (written) contact with her since I left, it's always been very superficial and she's made barbed comments about the consequences of my decisions having impacted others (again reinforcing for me that "harder for me than for you" thinking), before closing off with "I wish you all the best". I connected recently with a friend who happened to work under this person and since left her job. She shared a very similar experience of passive-aggressiveness, hurtful language and petulance when she left her role, which made me feel that perhaps it wasn't just me. It's just now hitting me that I might well never see her again, and while a big part of me really doesn't want to open old wounds, I am sad at the loss of a friendship that meant so much to me, and of a relationship in which I felt safe, respected and valued. Part of me wants to hold on to a connection with her, which is probably why I've reached out to her at times -- but I'm realising more and more I'll probably need to accept she doesn't want anything to do with me. It's probably for the best, but it's seriously heartbreaking.

Vvp im having a really hard time
  • replies: 2

This is my first time on this forum and I don’t really like to share but I feel so lonely and helpless. I am a single mum and I'm blessed to have children but I'm living in a toxic household because my choice to continue living on my own was ripped a... View more

This is my first time on this forum and I don’t really like to share but I feel so lonely and helpless. I am a single mum and I'm blessed to have children but I'm living in a toxic household because my choice to continue living on my own was ripped away from me from my mother as soon as she found out I was pregnant she canceled my lease without my knowledge to force me to move in with her so here I am and I have been living here for 10mths now and the way she treats me mentally its unbearable and I feel my pain is overwhelming my strength, we are always colliding and arguing and she is so controlling to the point that everyone around me is believing her and her story and they are not listening to my side of the story because they think that I’m the bad guy I have no support so I’m constantly defending myself and my children.I was hoping to start a family and live a happy life with the farther of my children we were together for 6years but as soon as he found out I was pregnant he bailed. I have been applying for rentals but I constantly receive rejection mail. I don’t have friends so I can’t crash at their house for a night or 2 just so my children and I can have a break from all the negativity that surrounds us. Every possible detour that I hope is a solution for my children and I we ends up at a dead end.

jenijenjen This Forum helps
  • replies: 5

I joined this forum because I've been feeling so depressed and lonely. And after a couple of days I feel so much better. Not just from reaching out and getting wonderful advice, but also being able to use my experiences to help others. So thank you e... View more

I joined this forum because I've been feeling so depressed and lonely. And after a couple of days I feel so much better. Not just from reaching out and getting wonderful advice, but also being able to use my experiences to help others. So thank you everyone

CloudNine Coercive controlling partner. Wanting out
  • replies: 10

I have been deliberating for a number of months about writing a post on here and I’ve gotten to the stage in my relationship that I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Cutting a long-story short, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years now and I’ve been w... View more

I have been deliberating for a number of months about writing a post on here and I’ve gotten to the stage in my relationship that I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Cutting a long-story short, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years now and I’ve been wanting to leave for 3. The problem is, I constantly feel trapped and fearful of my partner because she is emotionally abusive. I know she is and I know what she is doing, yet I just can’t seem to get out. I’m naturally a very passive ‘go with the flow’ type of guy whereas she is very assertive, and I think it has created an unhealthy balance of power within the relationship that’s just festered for years. I don’t deal well with conflict, going silent in arguments and giving unhelpful “I don’t know what to say” responses. I know that’s a big issue and I want to and need to work on that, but it’s difficult when my partner sits on a hair trigger to go from 0 to 100 aggression, which is further exacerbated by her poorly managed anxiety. There’s a lot of other things that come in such as her codependence, not having any friends or social supports and because of that I’m her only friend and have to do everything with her.. and even then I get made to feel guilty if I want to do something that doesn’t involve her. It’s gotten to the stage where she manipulates me through my fear of her anger and all the guilt she piles up on me for how she feels, for her mood swings, her body image, her self-esteem, her lack of friends.. the list goes on. It’s always my fault and I’m constantly apologizing for everything to try smooth things over- did I mention I don’t like conflict? I don’t even bother arguing any more because I’m never right and she twists my words and makes me admit I’m wrong and I’m sorry for what I’ve done to her. It’s gotten to the stage where she’s pushing me to buy a house and I’m terrified of being stuck with that commitment over my head. I know there’s going to be a big argument later this week / this weekend. I guess I just need some advice on how I can end this.. I've tried relationship counselling twice- failed. I’ve tried writing letters, I’ve tried literally packing a bag and leaving but her phone calls and messages manipulate me into always coming back… I’ve tried turning off my phone but the guilt always gets the better of me. I’m just trapped in a never ending cycle of control, guilt, fear and absolute misery. Any suggestions or would be much appreciated.

AS101979 My life partner has been cheating on me by visiting brothels and private sex workers
  • replies: 11

Hi I have been with my husband for 23 years, all of my adult life. We've been married for 13 of those years. We have always been a great couple, we love all the same things, and we had built a great life with each other and our young sons, age 5 and ... View more

Hi I have been with my husband for 23 years, all of my adult life. We've been married for 13 of those years. We have always been a great couple, we love all the same things, and we had built a great life with each other and our young sons, age 5 and 9. My entire world turned inside out and upside down 3 days ago. I found out that on the day he had off from work he visited a sex worker in the city. He told me he was getting a hair cut and was looking around for a bit before picking our car up at the service centre. While he was arranging to meet her, at her apartment, collecting the keys to go in, he was texting me at the same time with just general chit chat. I am floored, gutted, unable to understand why and how he could go through with it. Its not his first time. He has admitted to doing it 5/6 times, over the last 18 months. He understands now that it was wrong, but when he was first caught out, in all of the discussions following, he didnt actually say sorry and he just kept telling me he didnt actually have sex with any of them, just other stuff. As though that made all the difference. Hes a great dad, Ive loved him for as long as i can remember and i cannot cope with the thought of a life without him, but I beleive this is the end for us. He has left the family home, and I am still talking to him to try and piece all of this together. This month it was twice, one week after the other. It was starting to become more frequent when Ive discovered it. The last time, a few days ago, he was very relaxed and happy at home that night, with us, and the kids. More happy than usual, talkative, having fun with the kids. Its all hard, some things more than others. The betrayal and the lies, and the fact it went on for so long is hard for me to accept. He wants to try counseling, but i dont know if it is worth my time. I don't think this is someone that will change and that deserves his family now. But it is very hard after 23 years to give up on the future, on my childrens future with their dad. Of course i would never stop their relationship with him, but they are already grieving the things they know will never be the same without him here like he used to be. Its very difficult to see them suffering. Any advice anyone has would be helpful.

Junoav How to carry on with a Narcissistic wife?
  • replies: 9

I didn't understand the term at first but i think she has always been a narcissistic. At every workplace, there's always another 'conspiracy' to force her out; every boss is bad and corrupted; therefore she's never been able to stay in any place for ... View more

I didn't understand the term at first but i think she has always been a narcissistic. At every workplace, there's always another 'conspiracy' to force her out; every boss is bad and corrupted; therefore she's never been able to stay in any place for more than 2 years or so. Around 3 to 4 years ago, in order to reduce such 'stress' for her, I've got her to work as a carer, as there's less interactions with adults, and she loves to care for kids. Since Covid-19 happened, work is drastically reduced. Probably that impacted her mentally somewhat, but these days she's reluctant to take on new work even when she's available. She will say that she's tired for rejecting those jobs. Since there's no work, and there's no one to penalise fault with, it sort of defaulted to me. I'm her new enemy now. Daily life felt like skirting around broken glasses to avoid altercation. Around this time, she starts to devolved. Anything related to our home-country, or people, is strictly a non-topic starter. She starts avoiding friends (we don't have many since they are already hard to come by with her attitude making such relations always awkward). So around 4 months ago or so, there aren't anymore bedroom activities (i also got mentally scarred when she rejected me by screaming and telling me "I'm not her husband") I have been sleeping in the garage since. We have been together 20 years in total - 16 yrs married - but now I don't know how to live with her anymore. I can't divorce her since she's not working, it will be tough for her, her family are in back in her home-country, there's no one really to care for her then. Out of the 4 members in our family, only 1 of my kid, and myself are Australians now. I cannot leave her uncared for, my young kids also don't want us to divorce, but here i am, a 40 yr old, crying every weekend for multiple weeks to months now. I felt so lonely inside, i want to tell my parents/friends, but I don't dare/want to burden them only when i am sad. I feel sick to the stomach at times. I gave up my life in my country and citizenship because of her need to get away from her home-country. I have no friends here because i can't maintain any relationship without her stomping all over it. I have no other family members here other than my kids and her. I really feel so sick and tired after another quarrel. Sorry I just need an place to vent my sorrows.