Dont all working mums have Emotional Meltdowns?

[Elizabeth Louise]

My husband says he wants to sperate mainly because I have meltdowns.

It's happened more recently with additional stressors going on. Maybe once every 2nd month. 

The trigger is usually because I'm really tired or stressed from work. After the last blow up I decided I had to manage my stress better. I started running again and trained for 8 weeks and felt great! But damage is done. My husband says he can't risk me doing that again because I'm scaring the kids. All that happens is I start crying and have a bit of an emotional breakdown. Also he doesn't help but actually makes it worse. He looks at me angrily and says I'll take the kids away if you don't stop. That just makes me more angry. 

Usually im triggered by my husband. It's normally from an argument and because I'm already tired and stressed it escalates because he's just not understanding me. I calm down but it could take me a good 15-20 mins for logic to set in and calm down. I know I need to just stop and walk away but I just struggle when it's too late.

I don't see this as an absolute deal breaker to ruin our whole marriage because I'm aware that this is a real concern for him and I'm working on it. I read self help books and I have just stared to see a therapist. 

But what's causing the meltdowns now is the fact that he's talking of seperation and I had to stop running. I stopped running because I was exhausted from stress so much so that I feel like was going to collapse. Doctors have told me it's not my low iron and its just stress.

We both work full time. My job can be stressful and demanding and we have 2 young children and I have quite a large house to clean. We both split the chores for cooking dinner and cleaning the kitchen. I take my kids to their extra curricular activities twice per week.

I have had additional streasors lately also like supporting my sister through her court case. I know that's additional stress and my husband can't understand that I have just had too much going on lately. 

Please tell me that I'm not the only one? 

And is it common for mums to have an emotional meltdown and I'm just carrying too much? 

[smallwolf]

Hey 🙂

You asked a question:

Please tell me that I'm not the only one? 

You are most certainly not. I am also also speaking as the husband and our kids are now 22 and 20. There were issues at wife's work place (change of owner) and wife found this to be very stressful. I won't go into more detail than that. My wife also use gym and training as time-out.

It appears to me your husband could be a little more supportive. Please tell me if I am wrong. Rather than threatening separation, perhaps showing support and empathy would be more helpful. 

On the question of carrying too much... only you know the answer to that question. And if you think you are, then how can your husband be more helpful? Is that possible? From my side, I see an mum, wife, worker, support for sister, cleaner, kid carrier, etc. That is a lot of roles to fulfil. That you are finding it difficult to cope at is normal (hate that word, but you know what I mean).

Do you have any tools to help stop the arguments from happening in the first place? Stepping away before it gets too heated?

What tools and/or mechanisms do you have to the deal with the stresses you are facing?

You are doing well... I think. If you want to chat... Listening to you.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth Louise~

The short answer is YES! It is only human with a life full of work, children, housework, a fraught relationship with one's partner and fatigue for many people to blow their stack. I may be biased but I think it can actually do a person good.

What is not good of course is your husband's reaction. Telling you he will take the kids if you don't stop seems to me to be absurd. Then there has been a series of unhappy events where it looks like your husband is being the opposite of supportive.

Support is not just doing the cooking/dishes in turn (I notice you clean the house - how about laundry?) it is about cherishing one's partner when they are upset - and trying to stop the circumstances that brings this upset on. Sadly you have not mentioned anything like this.

Quite the reverse, distancing himself from your family (and thus making things more difficult for you), talking of separation as he has done in the past and not letting go of matters all add up to a situation where you feel not only unloved but also powerless and afraid the relationship will end.

This is no way to live.

I don't know your husband's motivation or character of course - though your mention of his father's influence may be a factor. I also do not know what problems in life he faces. In fact that could be hard thing for some men to talk about.

In order to try to get some harmony I'd add my suggestion to others and get couples counseling and see how you go from there. I'd suggest a reasonable one (they do charge on a sliding scale) might be Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277

One thing I don't think you've mentioned before is if you have any support of you own? Someone you can unburden to. They do not have to fix anything, just listen and care. Your sister sounds as if she went out of her way to help - even if her offers did not please your husband.

I would like you to feel you can talk here

Croix

[Elizabeth Louise]

Hello Croix,

Thank you for your post. This is what I have been telling my husband, that I am trying my best to keep it all together and I am only human! 

Yes I do all the laundry, occasionally he doss help, but I clean the bathrooms, do the mopping, vacuming. I do try to look after myself but since the talks of seperation have resurfaced after I asked why he started sleeping in the spare bedroom again my health has deteriorated. Too much crying, affecting my sleep it's a cycle or a pattern which has been happening for 2 years. 

I try to tell myself he's just threatening me again but it just sounds so believable.

Yes I am constantly on edge again afraid the relationship will end, we will sell our home and uproot our whole lives and our children's lives. I really don't want that for our kids.

I still love my husband even after all this pain.

I have started talking to 2 of my friends. But I feel like om burdening them. Instead of going out with my friends and having a good time and getting away for the day, I'm unloading on them and I feel bad. They have been great listeners. My fanily on the other hand just make me more angry when I speak to them about my issues. 

I have suggested marriage counselling but he doesn't want to do that again. He says he's not working on the marriage. So I feel like I'm trying to save our marriage on my own.

Things did get better at times over the past 2 years, but he forgets the good times and when talking about separation he points out that things to show me that he hasn't been trying for 2 years. I know i should probably should have really question him when things were good, but was always afraid to cause conflict if I did ask so didn't want to ruin happy times.

EL

[Elizabeth Louise]

Hello Smallwolf,

Thank you so much. This is reassuring. My husband has made me feel like I'm an "abuser" because I have had a couple of meltdowns in front of the children. Of course I'd love to be perfect and never get tipped over the edge, but I really don't know how thats possible with my lifestyle.

I have tried to look after myself to manage stress to prevent this from happening which was working well. I have tried a couple of things to help me on the weekends. For me getting away from home helps me distress. I have gone to get a massage or went out with a friend to a Spa I have noticed this has helped.  I love going out in nature, a walk at the local park or a run helps. 

In terms of tools to stop the arguments I still need to learn this. I know I need to walk away but struggle with that when I'm emotional. 

I know that I'm only doing too much lately and struggling lately since helping my sister and also once the word separation started being said again. My husband does help alot with the children and cooking dinner and cleaning the kitchen and sometimes he feels like it's too much also. 

I cope well when I'm excercising and I'm sleeping on time, but havnt been lately due to all the conversations around seperation. It's been traumatic and exhausting! I'm so tired of it. I really need a break! 

Thanks so much for talking.

EL

[Croix]

Dear EL~

I think getting an outside sense of proportion might help, people often take things as 'normal when in fact they are not. I'd suggest if you can't get him to go to counseling you have a word wiht 1800RESPECT

They deal in all forms of domestic abuse - not necessarily physical, but emotional too, like threatening consistently to break up, take the kids, cut off your family and so on.

Look, I'm not suggesting necessarily you take action on what they say, just get yourself informed.

It takes more than one person to make a marriage and parenthood work, and by the sounds of it you are doing most of the heavy lifting, particularly emotionally, so it is a matter of seeing if he can be persuaded to try. Do you have any ideas?

I'm pleased you have couple of friends, and found while I'd unload at mine and knew they cared, I tried to put in some lighter stuff too that they enjoyed. It was a balance that seemed ot work.

Croix